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Jerome Is the New Black/Quotes

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< Jerome Is the New Black

Peter: Wow, you're cooler than a York peppermint patty.
[Cut to a man in his house, holding a York peppermint patty]
Man: When I bite into a York peppermint patty, I get the sensation...
[He bites into the patty. Cut to him standing on a mountain]
Man: OF BEING ON A FROZEN MOUNTAINTOP!
[Cut to the man, still on the mountain, writing in a diary]
Man: It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York peppermint patty, and still I have made no progress in finding my way out of the mountains. The only food I have is the rest of this York peppermint patty, which, unfortunately, keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain. If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them.
[Another man appears, holding a York peppermint patty]
Man #2: OF BEING ON A FROZEN MOUNTAINTOP!

Quagmire: Look, Peter, Jerome's the coolest guy we've met since Cleveland left.
Joe: Yeah, don't do anything to ruin this, Peter. You know, the way you ruined my parrot.
[Cut to Joe's house]
Joe: I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful?
Peter: [leaning toward the parrot] Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple!
Joe's Parrot: Cripple!
Joe: Damn it!

Peter: Well, you dating that guy? It's just a lot to take in.
Lois: [laughs] Oh, you're telling me.
Peter: Oh, come on! Those kinds of jokes aren't helping!
Lois: Well what do you want me to say? Your being silly. I mean, me and Jerome dated 12 inches ago.
Lois: [laughs] I said inches!
Peter: [angrily] What did I say??

Lois: Peter, is everything all right?
Peter: Yeah. Yeah, Lois, everything's fine. You guys, uh, having a little breakfast?
Lois: Yes. And Jerome made scones. Oh, they're delicious.
[Lois picks up a scone and takes a bite out of it]
Lois: [muffled] I thought, maybe later today, we could all...
[Lois starts choking on the scone]
Meg: Oh my God, Mom's choking!
[Jerome runs behind Lois]
Jerome: Outta the way. I'm an E.M.T.
[Jerome starts thrusting Lois's stomach towards him, making it look like he's humping her, doggy-style]
Jerome: Her air wave's jammed. Come on, now. Just like that.
[Jerome starts thrusting Lois again, this time, while pushing her head down]
Jerome: I need some gravitational help.
[Jerome turns Lois upside down, continuing to thrust her]
Jerome: Oh no. Her clothes are restricting. As are mine.
[Jerome puts Lois down and takes her shirt off and takes his shirt off. Jerome then thrusts Lois, making it look like a standing sex position. Lois spits out the scone]
Lois: Ugh... Thank you, Jerome. You saved my life.
Stewie: Um, I'll have what she's having. Says the funniest person in the room.

Brian: I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?
Quagmire: Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. [sighs] Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak.

[After Peter apologizes to Jerome]:
Jerome: We cool, Peter. We cool.
[They shake hands]
Jerome: But listen. There is something I gotta fess up to. While I was living with y'all, I had a lot of nasty-ass sex with Meg.
Peter: I don't care about that.

[after Brian told Stewie about dinner with Quagmire]
Stewie: You know something? That's okay. You don't need Quagmire to like you. You only need one person to like you. And that person is you. And I'll tell you something else: I like you.
Brian: Thanks.
Stewie: You wanna sleep in my room?
Brian: Yeah. That'd be nice.
[Brian closes the door and rests on the floor]
Stewie: Good night, Brian.
Brian: Good night, Stewie.
[Stewie turns off the lights in his room. A few seconds later, Brian farts]
Stewie: Oh, come on, man.

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