Tom Tucker: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with Channel 5 news. We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: STEWIE KILLED LOIS!
Tom Tucker: Then what?
Ollie Williams: PETER GOT BLAMED!
Tom Tucker: Then what?
Ollie Williams: PETER WENT TO COURT!
Tom Tucker: Then what?
Ollie Williams: LOIS CAME BACK!
Tom Tucker: How?
Ollie Williams: WASN'T REALLY DEAD!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie. And now Part two...
Cleveland: Why the hell do I need to give a credit card?
Guy with beard: It's a new policy
Cleveland: I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me
Guy with beard: It's sort of brand new. Now do you have a credit card?
Cleveland: I got a Sears gift card
Guy with beard: Sears... They're doing well, huh?
Cleveland: Yep. One by my house; they got a Mac-Donalds right in the sto-wuh.
Meg: Mom, Stewie's just a baby!
Lois: No he's not, Meg, he's evil! He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship! [the scene changes to the night where Stewie is shown firing his gun at her. She falls overboard and sinks, leaving a cloud of blood on the way down] I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman... [a fish-like object grabs her and swims to an island] ...who treated my wounds and carried me to safety. It sounds romantic, I know, but unfortunately, he was kind of the reverse of what you'd expect a merman to be. [Lois wakes up to a man with his upper body as a fish head, and his lower body with human legs]
Merman: I wish to make love to you.
Lois: Oh, uh... [chuckles] no, thank you.
Merman: What are you talking about? I thought this was a woman's fantasy?
Lois: Yeah, but, this is sort of the opposite. Like, if you had a man's body and fish legs, then it'd be different.
Merman: Yeah, but then I wouldn't have a penis.
Lois: Well, but I...
Merman: See? there you go. I just poked a huge hole in your logic.
Lois: I'm sorry, I...I'm just gonna have to say no.
Merman: Maybe I feel like you owe me a little. [makes an advance towards her, but Lois shoves him to the ground, where he flops around like a real fish, then she walks away] Dammit!
[at the Fortress of Solitude, Joe and 2 other officers knock on the door. Consuela answers]
Consuela: Meeser Superman no here.
Joe Swanson: Oh, well, we're looking for a missing...
Consuela: I, I...no. M-Meeser Superman, he...he-he no is here.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, okay. Can you just give him this flyer?
Consuela: I, no, no, I have no money.
Joe Swanson: Just take this flyer, and if you see this baby...
Consuela: Noooo, no.
[Stewie is holding the family at gunpoint]
Stewie: All right, Lois, I'm hungry! Take those breasts out! [she undos her shirt, and he puts his mouth to them, but stops] Wait a minute, you could have drugged this. Well, I'm no fool. Brian, taste this!
Stewie: [points his gun at Brian] Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig!
Brian: [awkward pause] Lois, he's got a gun.
Lois: Look, I'll do it myself. How about that?
Brian: Uh, I...I don't know, he kinda asked me. I mean, I-I think we should do what he says.
Lois: Well, yeah, but Brian...
Brian: I mean, I'm...I'm totally willing to do this for the family.
Lois: I'm not sure...
Chris: I'll do it!
[after Stewie shoots Cleveland]
Stewie: Won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that.
Stewie: I'll be as big as I should have been on American Idol.
[cutaway to Stewie trying to sing a song in front of the American Idol judges]
Stewie: I don't mind not knowing What I'm heading for
You can take me to the skies
It's like being lost in He-a-van
When I'm lost in your eyes
Simon Cowell: Stewie, what the hell was that?
Stewie: [nervously] That was, uh "Lost in Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson.
Simon Cowell: One of the worst I've ever heard.
Simon Cowell: Stewie, you shouldn't even actually be alive, you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face.
Stewie: All right.
Paula Abdul: Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition.
Randy Jackson: Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you for me, man. That was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What're you doin', Stewie?
[Stewie exits the room in tears]
Stewie: I don't even care! They don't know what they's talkin' 'bout! Next time they hear about me, they...they...they's gonna be like, "We was wrong 'bout Stewie". 'Cause, 'cause I's gonna be huge! I...I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls!
[the family is going through Stewie's hidden armory]
Peter: [picks up a ball-like object] Man, what do you think these things do? [the ball activates and zaps both Peter and Lois]
Peter: [in Lois' body] Huh. Guess it doesn't do anything.
Lois: [In Peter's body] Well, that seems odd. [both scream] Oh, my God, Peter! You're me!
Peter: [in Lois' body] Holy crap! [opens Lois' shirt to check out his new breasts] Aw, sweet! [giggles and jiggles each one to the tune of "Green Acres"] He-he he-he-he, he he. He-he he-he-he, he he, He-he he-he-he. He-he he-he-he. He-he he-he-he, squeeze squeeze.
Brian: You're banning straight-to-video Disney films?
Stewie: Absolutely. I mean look at this! "Aladdin IV: Jafar May Need Glasses".
Doctor: [adjusting view] Number one, number two.
Doctor: Number one, number two.
Jafar: Um, about the same, number one may be a tiny bit better.
Doctor: Number three, number four.
Jafar: Number three.
Doctor: Five, and six.
Doctor: Five, and six.
Doctor: About the same?
Jafar: Yeah, they're pretty much, I'd say five. One more time?
Doctor: Five, and six.
Jafar: Yeah, they're about the same.
[Stewie and Brian think they've entered the power grid at the CIA]
Stewie: Well, this isn't quite right, is it?
[We pull back to reveal that they're in the restroom as a toilet flushes and Stan Smith comes out of the stall]
Stan: Hello, gentlemen. Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say?
Stewie: Uh, yeah. U.S. of freakin' A. We're number one. Space shuttle and all that.
Stan: [laughs] Terrific.
[Avery Bullock enters and as he converses with Stan, Stewie and Brian sneak out of the restroom]
Bullock: Hello, Smith. How are you today?
Stan: Fine, sir. What's new?
Bullock: Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot...
Stan: And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower, yeah, he's been doing that for years.
Bullock: Sick bastard.
[Stewie and Brian have snuck into the CIA headquarters in Langley Falls, VA, and are being held at gunpoint by Stan Smith and Avery Bullock from American Dad]
Stewie: I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.
Stan Smith: What? It's Stan.
Stewie: Oh, sorry. You look sorta like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid. And unless you want me to send you all back to the Dark Ages, You'll do exactly as I say! [Stan and Bullock lower their guns]
Avery Bullock: What are your demands?
[Lois enters the living room, armed from head to toe with various weapons and dressed Rambo-style]
Lois: Alright, Peter, I'm going to kill Stewie. Dinner's in the oven, all you have to do is to turn it to 350 at about 5:15.
Peter: Yeah, okay Lois.
Lois: Are you listening?
Lois: What did I just say?
Peter: Turn the oven to 350 at 5:15! I heard it!
[Peter has just killed Stewie]
Peter: It's just been revoked.
Brian: Uh, Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It doesn't really work here.
Peter: Oh. [thinks of another one] I'll have what she's having.
[Stewie is sitting in a chair, where he is running a simulation of how it would be if he actually tried to kill Lois, eventually leading to his death]
Brian: Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise. [Stewie gets out of the simulation chair] What are you doing?
Stewie: Oh, hello, Brian. Well, you recall my complaining about Lois and the Fatman not taking me with them?
Stewie: Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me.
Brian: Yeah? How'd that go?
Stewie: Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world... yet.
Brian: So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen, or even matter?
Stewie: Yes, that's correct.
Brian: So, it was sorta like a dream?
Stewie: No, it was a simulation.
Brian: Yes, but, theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened, I mean... you don't think, that would, j-- be just like a giant middle finger to them?
Stewie: Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride.
Brian: I don't know, man. I think you'd piss a lot of people off that way.
Stewie: Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid-sen...