Lois Kills Stewie/Quotes

[Lois enters the living room, armed from head to toe with various weapons and dressed Rambo-style]

Lois Griffin: Alright, Peter, I'm going to kill Stewie. Dinner's in the oven, all you have to do is to turn it to 3.50 in about 5:15.

Peter Griffin: Yeah, okay Lois.

Lois Griffin: Are you listening?

Peter Griffin: Yeah.

Lois Griffin: What did I just say?

Peter Griffin: Turn the oven to 3.50 in 5:15! I heard it!

Tom Tucker: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with Channel 5 news. We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie?

Ollie Williams: STEWIE KILLED LOIS!

Tom Tucker: Then what?

Ollie Williams: PETER GOT BLAMED!

Tom Tucker: Then what?

Ollie Williams: PETER WENT TO COURT!

Tom Tucker: Then what?

Ollie Williams: LOIS CAME BACK!

Tom Tucker: How?

Ollie Williams: WASN'T REALLY DEAD!

Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie. And now Part two...

[Lois is retelling the story of her survival]

Lois Griffin: He [Stewie] shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship! [the scene changes to the night where Stewie is shown firing his gun at her. She falls overboard and sinks, leaving a cloud of blood on the way down] I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman... [a fish-like object grabs her and swims to an island] ...who treated my wounds and carried me to safety. It sounds romantic, I know, but unfortunately, he was kind of the reverse of what you'd expect a merman to be. [Lois wakes up to a man with his upper body as a fish head, and his lower body with human legs]

Merman: I wish to make love to you.

Lois Griffin: Oh, uh... [chuckles] no, thank you.

Merman: What are you talking about? I thought this was a woman's fantasy?

Lois Griffin: Yeah, but, this is sort of the opposite. Like, if you had a man's body and fish legs, then it'd be different.

Merman: Yeah, but then I wouldn't have a penis.

Lois Griffin: Well, but I--

Merman: See? there you go. I just poked a huge hole in your logic.

Lois Griffin: I'm sorry, I-I'm just gonna have to say no.

Merman: Maybe I feel like you owe me a little. [makes an advance towards her, but Lois shoves him to the ground, where he flops around like a real fish, then she walks away] Dammit!

[at the Fortress of Solitude, Joe and 2 other officers knock on the door. The head of the Maid's union answers]

Maid [in a foreign accent]: Meeser Superman no here.

Joe Swanson: Oh, well, we're looking for a missing--

Maid: I, I--no. M-Meeser Superman, he-he-he no is here.

Joe Swanson: Yeah, okay. Can you just give him this flyer?

Maid: I, no, no, I have no money.

Joe Swanson: Just take this flyer, and if you see this baby--

Maid: Noooo, no. [closes door]

[Stewie is holding the family at gunpoint]

Stewie Griffin: All right, Lois, I'm hungry! Take those breasts out! [she undos her shirt, and he puts his mouth to them, but stops] Wait a minute, you could have drugged this. Well, I'm no fool. Brian, taste this!

Brian Griffin: What?

Stewie Griffin: [points his gun at Brian] Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig!

Brian Griffin: [awkward pause] Lois, he's got a gun.

Lois Griffin: Look, I'll do it myself. How about that?

Brian Griffin: Uh, I-I don't know, he kinda asked me. I mean, I-I think we should do what he says.

Lois Griffin: Well, yeah, but Brian...

Brian Griffin: I mean, I'm-I'm totally willing to do this for the family.

Lois Griffin: I'm not sure...

Chris Griffin: I'll do it!

Stewie Griffin: I'll be as big as I should have been on American Idol.

[cutaway to Stewie trying to sing a song in front of the American Idol judges]

Stewie Griffin: I don't mind not knowing
What I'm heading for
You can take me to the skies
It's like being lost in He-a-van
When I'm lost in your eyes.

Simon Cowell: Stewie, what the hell was that?

Stewie Griffin: [nervously] That was, uh Lost in Your Eyes by Debbie Gibson.

Simon Cowell: One of the worst I've ever heard.

Stewie Griffin: Okay.

Simon Cowell: Stewie, you shouldn't even actually be alive, you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face.

Stewie Griffin: All right.

Paula Abdul: Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition.

Randy Jackson: Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you for me, man. That was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What're you doin', Stewie?

[Stewie exits the room in tears]

Stewie Griffin [in a southern accent]: I don't even care! They don't know what they's talkin' 'bout! Next time they hear about me, they-they-they's gonna be like, "We was wrong 'bout Stewie". 'Cause, 'cause I's gonna be huge! I-I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls!

[the family is going through Stewie's hidden armory]

Peter Griffin: [picks up a ball-like object] Man, what do you think these things do? [the ball activates and zaps both Peter and Lois]

Peter Griffin [in Lois' body]: Huh. Guess it doesn't do anything.

Lois Griffin [In Peter's body]: Well, that seems odd. [both scream] Oh, my God, Peter! You're me!

Peter Griffin [in Lois' body]: Holy crap! [undos his [Lois'] shirt to check out his new breasts] Aw, sweet! [giggles] [He jiggles each one to the tune of Green Acres] He-he he-he-he, he he
He-he he-he-he, he he
He-he he-he-he
he-he he-he-he
He-he he-he-he, squeeze squeeze.

[Stewie and Brian have snuck into the CIA headquarters in Langley Falls, VA, and are being held at gunpoint by Stan Smith and Avery Bullock from American Dad]

Stewie Griffin: [to Stan] I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.

Stan Smith: What? It's Stan.

Stewie Griffin: Oh, sorry. You look sorta like someone from-- Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid. And unless you want me to send you all back to the Dark Ages, You'll do exactly as I say! [Stan and Bullock lower their guns]

Avery Bullock: What are your demands?

[Stewie is sitting in a chair, where he is running a simulation of how it would be if he actually tried to kill Lois, eventually leading to his death]

Brian Griffin: Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise. [Stewie gets out of the simulation chair] What are you doing?

Stewie Griffin: Oh, hello, Brian. Well, you recall my complaining about Lois and the Fatman not taking me with them?

Brian Griffin: Yeah?

Stewie Griffin: Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me.

Brian Griffin: Yeah? How'd that go?

Stewie Griffin: Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world... yet.

Brian Griffin: So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen, or even matter?

Stewie Griffin: Yes, that's correct.

Brian Griffin: So, it was sorta like a dream?

Stewie Griffin: No, it was a simulation.

Brian Griffin: Yes, but, theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened, I mean... you don't think, that would, j-- be just like a giant middle finger to them?

Stewie Griffin: Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride.

Brian Griffin: I don't know, man. I think you'd piss a lot of people off that way. [leaves]

Stewie Griffin: Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid-sen-- [the screen goes black like Stewie described]

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