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Long John Peter/Quotes

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[the Griffins wait for Brian at the vet]
Peter: God I hate comin' to the vet. They charge me $90 an day to keep Brian here. For $60 I could put him up at the Holiday Inn. Eh, who's with me? [cricket sound]
Mayor West: My apologies, my pet cricket has restless leg syndrome.

Peter: Ugh, look at that Lois, that's why cats freak me out. He's doin' that weird stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves.
Cat: Look at that, huh. Look at that shit.
Peter: Ewwww!

Peter: Ah-ha! There's me wench!
Lois: Peter, what the hell are you doing?!
Peter: That's Long John Peter to you, porthole! [laughs, and his crew laughs with him] Fetch me five tankets of ale and a leg of mutton for me mateies! [slaps Lois on the rear]
Lois: Agh!
Peter/Mates: Ah-ha-ha-ha!
Brian: Who the hell are these guys?
Peter: Just some seadogs from my fishin' boat days.
Lois: I don't care who they are, they stink! Get 'em outta here!
Peter: They stink of good cheer Lois! Ah-ha! [laughs] After we've had our fill of bread and wine, we shall tell tales of other times we've had our fill of bread and wine.

Joe: Chris, guess what we just did. Bonnie, tell him.
Bonnie: We had sex.
Joe: We had sex!
Bonnie: We had what Joe calls sex.

[after Chris slammed a chair into Brian's face for an excuse to go to the vet and see Anna]
Chris: Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well.
Brian: Fuck you.

[after Brian collapses due to his injuries]
Anna: Wow, he doesn't look good.
Chris: I know. But you do.

[Peter walks in the Drunken Clam with Adrien Beaky]
Peter: Hey, guys. What is going on?
Joe: No way!
Quagmire: Cool!
Cleveland: That thing don't bite, do it?
Peter: Guys, say hello to Adrien Beaky.
Adrien Beaky: Pick a lane, bitch.
Peter: [laughs] Ain't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over to the car.
Adrien Beaky: I gotta pee. Where's that Snapple bottle? [Peter laughs] I had a gay experience at camp.
Peter: Oh, oh. [laughs] We, we, we had the radio on and we were talking about some goofy stuff. So what are you guys drinking?
Joe: Hey, Peter, you kinda look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder.
Peter: A pirate? Aw, cool!
Cleveland: You should get a pirate name.
Joe: And a peg leg.
Cleveland: And a hook hand.
Quagmire: And you should have sex with that crossing guard, even though she looked young and then I found out she was 12. I mean, you should get an eye patch.
Joe: Eye patch would be cool.

Peter: Oh, God! This is my fault! I did this! I've screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake.
[cutaway to Mexican villa]
Man: Who was that masked man who saved us?
Man #2: I don't know, but he left his insignia.

Anna: Chris, I like you. [kiss Chris] You don't have to try so hard.
Chris: I'm sorry. When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up like a kid watching a toy commercial.
[cutaway to commercial]
Announcer: Kids, kids, kids! Shiny, gooey, stretchy, fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky, yummy, bouncy, fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it!
Kids: Yeah!
Announcer: Toss it!
Kids: Awesome!
Announcer: Swim it!
Kids: Ahh!
Announcer: Eat it!
Kids: Whoa!
Announcer: Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids! Kids! Arrggghhh!!! It's so awesome!
Stewie: I want it!

Peter: Chris, you don't want to miss out on experiences of your teenage years. If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet.
[cutaway to Peter running down the stairs and behind the couch, then peeping his head out]
Lois: [off screen] Peter Griffin!

[Chris is depressed because Anna left him]
Lois: Chris, honey, what's wrong?
Chris: Anna took a dump on me.
Lois: What?!
Chris: Yeah, she broke up with me.
Lois: Oh-ho, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.
Chris: What's the difference?
Lois: Well, when two people love each other very much, sometimes they show it by... y... never mind.

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