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Lottery Fever/Quotes

< Lottery Fever

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Peter: Lois, I need $28,000.
Lois: For what?
Peter: I decided I wanna open a sushi restaurant.
Lois: What do you know about sushi?
Peter: I don't care about the sushi. I just wanna yell at customers when they walk in the door.
[cutaway to Peter behind a sushi table yelling at people]
Peter: Inashamashe! Hajimimashtay!! Herecomesablackguuuy!!!

Tricia Takanawa: Mayor West, what do you plan to do if you win the lottery?
Mayor Adam West: Well, I'd finally splurge and buy myself one of those fancy four piece suits.
[cut to Mayor West at a country club wearing a four-piece suit, the fourth piece being a jacket, shirt and tie on his head]
Mayor West: I'd like to join your country club. I assume that won't be a problem.
[cut back to Tricia interviewing a Persian guy]
Tricia Takanawa: And how about you, Every Persian Guy in the World?
[zoom out to reveal that literally every Persian male has come to Rhode Island to say this]
Every Persian Guy in the World: White BMW.

[Peter is about to go buy a lottery ticket, but hesitates when he gets to the door]
Lois: Peter, what's wrong?
Peter: It's, uh, nothin', I'm just gonna wait a minute. [pause] There's teenagers in skinny jeans out there.

[Peter comes home with a box of lottery tickets]
Brian: Peter, this is idiotic! Your odds of winning are like a hundred million to one! Don't you know the lottery is just a tax on stupid people?!
Peter: Would you be saying that if the prize was a hundred and fifty bags of the neighbors' garbage?
Brian: But it's not!...I mean...I mean, Is it? It's...That's an unrealistic, unfair question!

Peter: Okay, this is it, you guys! They're gonna announce the winning lottery numbers! Time for the Griffin family to meet its destiny!
Lois: When we lose, I'm gettin' a divorce.
Peter: Understood.

Peter: Yes! We won the lottery! I'm gonna get me a penis butler!
Butler: [suddenly appearing] Sir...
Peter: Butle my penis! BUTLE IT!

Lois: Hello?
Carter: [on phone] Didja blow all your money yet?
Lois: No, Daddy.
Carter: [on phone] Alright, call me when ya blow all your money, love ya, bye.

[Peter seen sitting on his couch in his underwear with Lois arriving with the groceries]
Lois: Peter, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?
Peter: I quit my job, Lois.
Lois: You what?
Peter: Yeah, we're rich now. I don't need to be working. Ah, you should've been there, Lois. I told Angela what she could do with that job, just like I always fantasized.
[cutaway to Peter quitting his job at the brewery]
Peter: Angela I just want to thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation. Uh, certain unexpected developments have created a situation where I am no longer in need of employment. Uh, I would be remiss, however, if I did not extend my gratitude to you for your unwavering fairness and belief in me, and there is a giant poo on your desk.

[The Griffins, now completely broke, are seen in ragged clothes sitting on a curb]
Lois: I can't believe it. We lost everything.
Chris: What do we do now?
Peter: Well, seems like our only hope is the lottery.
[transition to one month later, and the Griffins are back in the same clothes in the same location, but looking more ragged than earlier]
Peter: Holy shit, we won twice and we're right back here again.
Lois: We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month.
Peter: Yeah, but on the bright side, if this hadn't happened, we never would've met Kyle.
[zoom out to show a random guy on the street]
Random Guy: Hey.
[the Griffins greet the guy]
Peter: And that's not even Kyle.

Peter: I just bought a giant room filled with gold coins, and I'm going to dive into it like Scrooge McDuck.
[cutaway to Peter walking down the board, then diving into the coins, then bloodily injuring himself]
Peter: AAAAGH! It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard, floor-like surface! AAAAGGHH!

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