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< Love, Blactually

Cleveland: [talking to the Griffins at the dinner table] I don't know what to do. Carolyn and I are supposed to elope tomorrow, but here comes Loretta all apologetic and wanting to get our family back together and whatnot.
Peter: I wouldn't forgive her so fast, Cleveland. Remember, she slept with Quagmire.
Lois: Yeah, she really acted crazy.

Cleveland: We met at the Starbucks, she started going on about her new Brazillian wax and not wearing any underpants. I'd have to be a homosexual to ignore a signal like that.

Brian: [pause] I'm in love...

Cleveland: Wait... Wait... Wait... Oohhhh! And boom goes the dynamite.

[Griffin house, a costume party, Peter is dressed as Laura Bush]
Peter: [calling out towards upstairs] C'mon kids, people are gonna start showing up for the costume party any minute! [Brian enters, dressed as Snoopy] Hey nice Snoopy costume, Brian.
Brian: Thanks. [Peter punches Brian in the gut, causing him to fall down, clutching his stomach in pain]
Peter: Ohh, I guess its not true what they say, you can punch Snoopy in the stomach as hard as you can and he won't feel it.
Brian: That's Houdini!
Peter: [stern] No, Brian. Now get up and do the dance.
Brian: [getting up] Oh no, I'm not gonna do the dance.
Peter: [angrily] Do the dance!

[Stewie comes in and finds that Brian, like him, is dressed as Snoopy.]
Stewie: Oh, you know, this is why... Brian, you remember the last couple of weeks I kept saying, "Can I have a couple minutes of your time to talk to you about something?" This is what is was about! This evening is ru-eened!
Brian: Look-- Wait, what?
Stewie: This evening is ru-eened! The whole evening is ru-eened!
Brian: Why are you saying it like that?
Stewie: Saying what? I'm just pointing out the party's ru-eened.
Brian: You know what? I'm not gonna get sucked into this. [exits stage right, then after a beat, re-enters] Okay, just so I'm sure, really? A-a-are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say that?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm talking about this ru-eened evening.
Brian: That's not how you say "ruined".
Stewie: What? "Ru-eened"?
Brian: What do you call the remains of ancient Greek structures?
Stewie: Ruins.
Brian: And how would you describe this evening?
Stewie: Ru-eened, of course. This evening is ru-eened.
Brian: Say "ruined".
Stewie: Ru-eened.
Brian: Ruined.
Stewie: Ru-eened.
Brian: Ruined.
Stewie: Ru-eened.
Brian: Dumbass.
Stewie: Oh, Brian, don't be cru-el.

[Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe are standing by. Joe is dressed as Mark Spitz]
Cleveland: That's a great costume, Joe. Are you FDR?
Joe: No, I'm Olympic swimmer, Mark Spitz.
Glenn: Oh you mean like if he dove into the shallow end?
Joe: No. Regular Mark Spitz.
Peter: Wait! Are you Stephen Hawking at the beach?
Joe: No, I'm Mark Spitz! He won 7 gold medals!
Cleveland: Oh I get it, you're crippled Magnum P.I.
Joe: I'm... [defeated] Fine, I'm crippled Magnum P.I.

[Griffin house, at the dinner table, Brian, sullen at the loss of Carolyn, pours himself a glass of alcohol when Stewie walks in]
Stewie: So...Carolyn. [Shakes head] Tsk-tsk. Guess you shoulda hit that when you had the chance, huh Brian?
Brian: [angrily] What?! You're the one who told me to wait!
Stewie: Oh you're crazy, bitch, I didn't say that, bitch.
Brian: Yeah, well, thanks to you, I lost her to Cleveland.

[doorbell rings. Brian opens the door]
Cleveland: Brian, may I speak with you?
Brian: Oh, Cleveland. I didn't recognize you without my girlfriend wrapped around your waist.
Cleveland: She and I are both to a point of great soreness. So we took a break. Listen, I just want to clear any bad feelings you may have about me and Carolyn.
Brian: [sighs] I guess it's okay. These are passing flings. Nothing to be upset about.
Cleveland: Good. Because we're gonna elope in Hawaii tomorrow night!
Brian: What?!
Cleveland: You got a problem with that, you could go fuck yourself.

[Peter, Lois, Brian, Stewie and Cleveland are talking about Loretta]
Peter: Oh you just want Cleveland outta the picture so you can get back with Carolyn. Y'know, Brian... sometimes... I don't believe I know you.

Quagmire: Room service.
Loretta: I didn't order no room service.
Quagmire: It's complimentary. We have a club sandwich, a fruit plate, and a side of [take off clothes, naked] hot beef steak! Giggity-giggity goo!
Loretta: Glenn Quagmire, you get out of here!
Quagmire: Come on, baby. Time for round two!
Loretta: [getting chased by Quagmire] Agghh! Agghhh! You're the devil! You ruined my marriage!
Quagmire: Ah, you can't resist the Q-man and my super-powered genitalia. Apache penis. De ay chuk!
Loretta: [hits him with an iron] You go on and beat it, little neck. I'm a changed woman. I don't mess with your kind anymore.
Quagmire: You're a meanie! Waggh!
[Quagmire runs away, naked and sees Cleveland]
Cleveland: Hey, Quagmire.
Quagmire: Uh. Hi, Cleveland.
Cleveland: Why are you staying in a hotel?
Quagmire: Uh, my... house burned down.
Cleveland: Oh. Why are you naked?
Quagmire: Naked? Wha... What? everybody's been telling me I'm wearing magnificent robes made from the finest silk. Ohh!

Cleveland: I'm no meteorologist, but I'm sure it's rainin' bitches!

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