Stewie: [about Peter's mustache] Ugh, that's the ugliest thing the Fatman's grown since that horse leg.
[Cutaway to Peter looking in the refrigerator; one of his legs is that of a horse. Brian enters behind him]
Brian: Hey, Peter, have you seen my... [Peter violently kicks him in the face] AHH!
Peter: Oh, Brian, I'm sorry, but what do I keep saying? Do not stand behind me, because I will get scared.

Stewie: If you plopped me in the middle of a high school, I could be the most popular kid there in a week.
Brian: Really? Would you, care to place a wager on that?
Stewie: Absolutely. What are the stakes?
Brian: Okay, if I win, and you can't do it, you have to put your nose in Meg's hat and take an eight-second inhale.
Stewie: Okay, it's a bet.
Brian: Great.
Stewie: Kiss on it?
Brian: What?
Stewie: [sheepishly] Oop.

[Peter is sitting at the kitchen table, facing away from the camera, after losing his mustache]
Lois: Peter, have you seen Brian?
Peter: [muffled voice] No, Lois. I have not.
Lois: Well, I haven't seen him since this morning, and I... [she gets a good look at his face] What is that on your head? [Peter turns around to reveal Brian duct-taped to his face]
Peter: It's a mustache, Lois! What? You never seen a mustache before?
Brian: Lois, would you mind calling the police or something?
Peter: Quiet, mustache!
Lois: Oh my God, Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing, but get a grip on yourself. Let Brian down!
Peter: No! I'm not living my life without a mustache! Even if sometimes my mustache has Alpo-gas. [Brian farts] Mustache fart.

[Peter and Brian are in McBurgertown, with dozens of hamburger wrappers on the table as Peter is eating a burger]
Brian: Peter, you should really slow down. You've already had, like, thirty hamburgers.
Peter: [with his mouth full] Shut up, Brian, it relieves the pain of moustachelessness. [swallows] And it's working! I no longer feel the pain! Come to think of it, I...can't really feel anything on the left half of my body.
Brian: Really? That doesn't sound good. [Peter's left eye begins to twitch uncontrollably] Peter, are you winking at me? [Peter begins spasing out and screams before falling on the floor] Oh my God! Someone call an ambulance!
[Cut to the hospital, where the family has gathered]
Lois: Doctor, what happened? Is he gonna be okay?
Dr. Hartman: Mrs. Griffin, your husband has had a stroke. The left half of his body is completely paralyzed.
Lois: Oh my God! [Lois kneels down and embraces Peter in bed; his left eye and part of his mouth are grotesquely hanging over, and his left arm has become limp] Peter, sweetheart, how do you feel?
Peter: [slurred speech due to stroke] Uh... ad etter ays, Ois. ad etter days.

Stewie: So I'm shavin' last night at this make out party. I took a bunch of pictures. You can see 'em on my MySpace page, along with my favorite songs and movies and things that other people have created but that I use to express my individualism.

[Peter just crashed his car]
Man in a canoe: STROKE! STROKE! STROKE!
Peter: Stop mocking me!

[after Stewie becomes the most popular boy at school]
Stewie: Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Brian: Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now?
Stewie: Oh no, Brian, I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know that I've got a date with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night at Anal Point?
Brian: Ah, I've heard about that place.
Stewie: Really? What's it like? 'Cause I have no idea.
Brian: Well, uh... I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space, that you think, "Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there." But then you fold in the side-view mirrors and, sure enough, well, look at that.
Stewie: Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car.
Brian: Yeah, that's what I've always guessed.

Brian: How do you expect to do that?
Peter: Are you kiddin'? I've tackled tougher jobs before. Remember that time I was Robin Williams' jumping-off point?
[Cutaway to Peter sitting on a couch with Robin Williams]
Peter: Okay, religion.
Robin Williams: Oh, religion! "You kill me, I kill you, we both go to heaven, [ululates] 72 virgins, huh! You might have to help me out with the last ten or so [high voice] because Mr. Happy gets tired!" Religion.
Peter: [sighs] Uh...politics.
Robin Williams: Oh, politics! [in a southern voice] "Well, we're gonna come down there, and take all your oil!" [Arab voice] "But this is our oil!" [southern voice] "Yee-ha! Well, here's my missile!" [Arab voice] "Okay, take it! Take it!" Politics.
Peter: Ugh, you know what, I'm gonna take a five-minute break. [gets up and leaves]
Robin Williams: Oh, five-minute break! What are you, a construction worker? [wolf-whistles] "Hey, baby, I'm not gay." [gay voice] "Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?" Five-minute break.

[at Anal Point; Stewie and Connie D'Amico are together in the car]
Stewie: You enjoy the movie, baby?
Connie D'Amico: Yeah, but I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more. [takes her shirt off]
Stewie: [thinking that she's going to breastfeed him] Ugh, no thanks. I am stuffed.
Connie D'Amico: So are we just gonna sit here and talk, or are we gonna do it?
Stewie: All right, baby. Those are the magic words. Now check this out! [stands up, and pulls his pants down]
Connie D'Amico: [gasps] Oh, my God!
Stewie: Yeah, I am ready for sex. I drank eight gallons of water today; This baby's ready to explode.
Connie D'Amico: there more underneath, or is that it?
Stewie: I'm sorry?

[Peter and Brian entered a slaughterhouse]
Peter: My God, what is this?!
Brian: This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse.
Cow: Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it "DaCow."
Peter: "DaCow?"
Cow: "DaCow." Except we spell the "chau" part "C-O-W," like "cow." So it's kind of,, sort of a dark joke.
Brian: Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke. That's, that's really funny.

[at school, word of Stewie's penis has spread]
Stewie: What the hell is going on here?
Girl: Nothing, baby penis. [the others laugh]
Stewie: Well, yes, I have a baby- ohhhh. [childishly] Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis! I think they're messy!

Stewie: [after making out with Connie while naked] Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! [the school security guards come and place Connie in handcuffs]
Connie D'Amico: Ah! Hey! [the guards take her away]
Stewie: That's right! To Hell with you all! I am who I am.

[The Griffins and the Cow are at home watching TV]
Peter: Quiet, everybody, this is it!
Tom Tucker: [on TV] The McBurgertown franchise suffered a publicity setback today from which it may not recover thanks to testimony regarding its practices by a very brave cow.
Cow: [on TV in front of the town hall] I have revealed to you today these horrors in a hope that you will see the need for change. But always remember: what I have done here today is not a courageous act. The courage lies with a man who has the guts to say "No" to a fast food restaurant, and eat a salad instead. To say, "I will eat this salad pride! I don't care if I look like a gay person!" So to all of you salad-eating homosexuals, I say, "Thank you." [at the Griffins' house] And thank you, Peter, for all you've done to expose this grave injustice.
Lois: Where will you go now, Mr. Cow?
Cow: I cannot stay here? Peter said I could stay here.
Lois: Oh...gosh... [stuttering] Yeah, I...I don't... I don't really see how that's gonna work out.
Cow: I said, uh... Peter just promised that...
Peter: Yeah, I...I should stop you there, I didn't really promise anything. I just said, "Maybe if it was okay with Lois."
Lois: Boy, it, it just seems like a real burden to me.
Cow: Well... This is pretty awkward.

[Peter comes out of the stem cell clinic completely fine, he turns to the security guard]
Peter: Hey how long was I in there?
Guard: Five minutes.
Peter: Why are we not funding this?!

Peter: Then I guess we'll take our millions of dongs elsewhere...