Peter Griffin: This is boring, I'd rather be at home, watching that video from The Ring.
[Cutaway to Peter, holding a videotape]
Girl: Peter don´t, they say that if you watch that video, you die!
Peter Griffin: Ah, that's a lot of baloney.
Glenn Quagmire: O my God, Lois, you single now?
Lois Griffin: No Glenn, I'm here with Thelma.
Glenn Quagmire: Who's Thelma?
Lois Griffin: This is Thelma.
Glenn Quagmire: Ieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuwwwwwwwwww
Peter Griffin: [Calling his mother] Hello. Yes. Hello? This is Tom Tucker's personal physician, Dr. T and the Woman. Um, could you tell Tom his contagious penis cancer medicine is ready?
[Peter, Tom and Thelma are at a Burger King]
Peter Griffin: How awesome is this, going out to dinner with my new family
Counter girl: Hi, can I help you?
Peter Griffin: I want that one
Tom Tucker: Hold one, we'll get you that one
Peter Griffin: I want straws
Tom Tucker: We'll get you A straw, you want a kids meal?
Peter Griffin: No
Tom Tucker: Do you mean yes?
Peter Griffin: Yes
Peter Griffin: I want some ice cream.
Tom Tucker:No, Peter, you finish your food.
[Peter gets up from the dinner table]
Tom Tucker: You... Hey. You... You get back here right now, mister.
[Peter gets up on the chair]
Tom Tucker: Don't... Don't You... Get down from that chair or you're in big trouble.
[Peter opens the freezer door, getting out the ice cream]
Tom Tucker: You... You put that ice cream back right now.
[Peter gets down from the chair, with the ice cream]
Tom Tucker: I mean it. I'm not kidding around.
[Peter sits back down]
Tom Tucker: I'm not gonna say it again.
[Peter opens the box of ice cream]
Tom Tucker: Uh...
[Peter is about to put the ice cream in his mouth]
Tom Tucker: If you put that ice cream in your mouth you are gonna be in big trouble, young man. Don't... You... uh... uh...
[Peter puts the ice cream in his mouth, and Tom gets up from his chair to spank him]
Peter Griffin: I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU I WANT MY MOMMY!
Tom Tucker: WELL, I'M THE BEST YOU'VE GOT!
Peter: I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad.
Chris: Hey, dad, do you want to play baseball?
Peter: Oh my God, could you leave me alone?! You are the neediest kid!
Peter: I can't believe you left Dad.
Thelma: I have needs that he didn't satisfy, and I'm still a young woman Peter. 82 is the new 74. I'm putting my fine ass back on the market.
Peter: Boy, this is really gonna upset my evil brother Thaddeus.
Thaddeus: Nya! This will surely affect my inheritance. Nya!
Chris: I wanna get a milkshake too.
Peter: Too bad. Go get your own father.
Thelma: I don't see what the problem is, Tom is a wonderful man.
Tom Tucker: I don't see the problem either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the In-Depth Anylasis. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Lady's old!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie, back to you, Peter.
Peter: [to Tom Tucker, about Thelma] I can't believe this! You were messing around in what was basically my first apartment!
TV Announcer: And now back to Round Table with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano, and Kermit the Frog.
Kermit the Frog: These zoning Laws are infringing on the rights of...
Harold Ramis: Uh, if I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out...
Al Michaels: You've had your time, let someone else speak.
Harold Ramis: I haven't said a word, it was that guy. [points to Ray Romano]
Ray Romano: Don't look at me! I can't get a word in edgewise.
Kermit the Frog: Well then who the hell's been talking this whole time?
Tom Tucker: Can I get you some punch?
Thelma: Oh no, see, if you're one of ten million americans like me...
[scene cuts to a man in a chair]
Man: Like me.
[scene cuts to a woman on a tennis court]
Woman: Like me.
[scene cuts back to the community center]
Thelma: ...with a bladder control problem, punch just goes right through you.
[Quagmire comes in]
Brian: [on the radio] Hi, I'm Brian Griffin and you're listening to The Lunch Hour, serving up food for the mind. Today's entree is politics. What's on your mind today? The governor's budget, stem cell research? Give us a hot spoonful of your opinion. Ok, we have a question from Quahog. Caller, you're on The Lunch Hour. Can I take your order?
Stewie: Yes, uh, I'll have a big helping of the pretentious crap.
Brian: Whoa, sometimes the, uh, crazy ones get through. Okay, we have Rose, from Cranston, on the phone. Welcome, Rose, can I take your order?
Stewie: [as “Rose”] Um, yes, that turkey, that.. that raw turkey that you ate off the counter last week that got Lois mad, when you pooped that out was the timer still in there?
Brian: And we're out of time. This has been The Lunch Hour. Join us next week, when our guest will be Gore Vidal. And remember, life is full of entrées, so don't fill up on bread.
Brian: [about Stewie being his radio co-host] Well, I guess he couldn't be any worse than Tim McCarver is at sportscasting.
[Scene shows Tim McCarver sportcasting a baseball game]
Tim McCarver: In my view, as good as the Yankees were in the first half of this game, that's how as bad they've been now.
Peter: Lois, you're too nosy. Like that waiter at that restaurant.
[flashback shows Peter and Lois at a restaurant]
Waiter: And who had the prime rib?
Peter: I hardly think that's any of your business.
Peter: Lois, don't crank call my mother. I'm gonna have to pinch you for that. [starts pinching Lois]
Lois: Ow, Peter, don't pinch me! [Peter continues to pinch her] Ow! Ow... stop it! Knock it off, damn it! Cut it out.
Peter: Maybe I'll tickle you, huh, how about that?! [starts tickling Lois]
Lois: No, don't.
Peter: Here you go, tickle, tickle.
Lois: Cut it out! Stop it! I mean it! I mean it! [hits Peter in the head with a frying pain and he winces in pain] Well, I told you to stop!
Peter: I tickle you, you hit me in the head with a frying pan?!
Lois: I told you to stop!
Peter: I taste blood!
Lois: Well, there's a lot of it.
[When Stewie presses the wrong button]
Denzel Washington: After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease. But no matter how you come to judge, Charles Wheeler and his partners' unethical, moral, and inhuman terms, the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law.
Brian: My God, what is wrong with you?
Stewie: I swear to God, that was supposed to be "Food Fight!"
Jake Tucker: What's your problem?
Peter: Papa Tom's being a jerk.
Jake Tucker: At least he talks to you. He's my dad and he hasn't paid attention to me in weeks!
Peter: Well, all in all, you should be thankful. I think the Kennedys had a kid like you and they had it put to sleep.
Tom Tucker: Hey, Champ. You Wanna watch Chicken Little?
Peter: He-He-He-He-He-He! Yeah!
Tom Tucker: And what does a chicken say?
Tom Tucker: Why Not?
Peter: Come On, Ma!
Tom Tucker: Hey, what gives with the suitcase?
Thelma: Tom, There's no easy way to say this, I'll just come right out with it. I'm leaving.
Tom Tucker: Leaving? Why?!
Thelma: Tommy, This has been great, but I wasn't looking for anything long term. I just needed someone to help clear all the bats out of my plumbing.
Tim the Bat: What do we do now, Bill?
Bill the Bat: We Write, Tim. we write our story [Fly away]
Thelma: Goodbye, Dear.
Peter: IT'S ALL MY FAAAUUUULLLLLTTTTT!!!!!
Thaddeus: HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! Nyah!
Tom Tucker: Hey Peter, I'm sorry about that business with the ice cream, I guess I'm just still a little torn up about your mom. But hey, I'll make it up to you, let's play catch.
Peter: OK! [looks at Jake] Wait a minute. You know what? I think you should play catch with Jake.
Tom Tucker: Really?
Peter: Yeah. I had a taste of what it was like to have a real father. I can't make him share his.