Brian Griffin: Don't you understand? I don't want a committed relationship with Jillian!
Lois Griffin: Well, it sounds like she does. And if you're never gonna get serious, then you're not being fair to her.
Lois Griffin: I mean, what are you, Brian? One of those creepy guys who just uses a woman for sex? [as Lois is talking, an ad for "The Simpsons - Sundays on FOX" appears on the screen with a small Marge waving to the camera. Then a small Quagmire runs onto the screen, knocks Marge over, and tries to have sex with her. Marge resists and then kicks Quagmire off her and runs away while Quagmire, with his pants down, chases her] Because Jillian deserves better! She has feelings, you know? And she's devoted a lot of time and energy to this relationship with some expectation that it could grow into something much more significant and, if you're just stringing her along, well, then, I've got to say I've lost a lot of respect for you, Brian.
Brian Griffin: You don't really think I'm like that, do you?
Lois Griffin: Prove me wrong.
Brian Griffin: All right, I will, Lois. I will ask her to move in with me and you'll see, I've got what it takes.
[Stewie has taken over Chris' newspaper route and is delivering papers with his Big Wheel]
Herbert: Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh, it's a brand new paperboy! That's a mighty full sack you're carrying.
Stewie Griffin: Piss off, you perverted old freak! [goes away]
Herbert: Oh-ho, we got a fighter.
Brian: Listen, I hope you don't mind Stewie staying with us for a little while. He, uh, he just gets really lonely without me at home.
Jillian: You're so fatherly. That really turns me on. [they start making out]
Stewie: [whining off-screen] Brian, there's no more graham crackers!
Brian: They're in the cabinet! [continues with Jillian]
Stewie: I don't see them!
Brian: They're right in front of you. Which cabinet are you looking in?
Stewie: Can't you just come in here?!
Brian: No, I'm busy! [continues with Jillian. We hear a loud crash and glass breaking]
Stewie: Oh, nooo! Oh, no, Brian! Oh, no...OH NOOO! OH, BRIAN, WE NEED PAPER TOWELS! OH, OHH, IT'S GOING UNDER THE FRIDGE! OHH!
Brian: Just use a dish towel!
Stewie: THERE AREN'T ANY, BRIAN. YOU NEED TO COME IN HERE...OHH, WE ARE GONNA HAVE ANTS!
[Brian and Jillian are in bed making out. Brian turns on the light to see that Stewie has entered the room]
Stewie Griffin: Brian, are you guys up?
Brian Griffin: Stewie, what the hell are you doing? Go back to bed!
Stewie Griffin: But I'm not tired. And I'm lonely.
Jillian: Oh, come get in bed with us!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, all right, "Dear Penthouse Forum..."
[a short time later, Jillian finds out that Stewie is paying the rent]
Stewie Griffin: That's right, I'm paying Mr. Lickety-Self's half of the rent.
Jillian: Is that true?
Brian Griffin: All right, yes, fine, it's true.
Jillian: Why didn't you say anything?
Brian Griffin: Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to...
Jillian: Wait, you didn't wanna move in with me?
Brian Griffin: Well...honestly, no.
Jillian: Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid!
Brian and Stewie: Really?!
Jillian: Well, I don't wanna be your guilty burden, Brian. We're through! [she grabs her clothes and leaves]
Brian Griffin: Jillian, wait! Damn it!
Stewie Griffin: I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. [Stewie covers himself, then Brian turns the light out to go to sleep] Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Ju...just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't-don't even think about it. The next person you see, the very next person you see.
Lois Griffin: So, Meg, any luck finding another job?
Meg Griffin: No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it.
[cutaway to Meg on the couch, on the phone]
Meg Griffin: What am I wearing? Um... a hat, and... glasses? [pause] What kind of underwear? Um... I don't know... big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what?! Oh. What would I do to you? Well, um... I guess, maybe we could get pizza, and... we could watch House?
[cut to Peter in the bedroom, on the phone]
Peter Griffin: All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am. I appreciate your time.
[after Brian moves back in with the Griffins]
Lois Griffin: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your [bursts out laughing] book! [the rest of the family joins in]
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on!
Chris Griffin: Welcome home, asshole!
Stewie: Meg, lend me $0.25 so I can ride the toy airplane outside and make the immigrant kids jealous.