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No Chris Left Behind/Quotes

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Stewie: Well, we're not the first people to be dragged off against our will.
[Cutaway to a slave ship]
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: No.
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: No!
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: Dammit, I swear to God I will turn this ship around!
[Everyone below deck murmurs in agreement]
Captain: Alright, if that's what you...wait a minute!

[At a PTA Meeting]
Lois: They cut a school's funding if it's got low test scores?! This is not what the founding fathers had in mind!
Spokesman: Okay, we're here to sign this Declaration of our Independence. Let's take roll call first. Thomas Jefferson?
Thomas Jefferson: Here.
Spokesman: Benjamin Franklin?
Benjamin Franklin: Here.
Spokesman: John Footpenis?
John Footpenis: It's Hancock now!
Spokesman: Why?
John Hancock: Mind your business, that's why!

Lois: You know, I have to admit that I've always been a little worried about Chris, but, I just convinced myself things would work out for him. But with no education, what kind of future could he possibly have?
Peter: Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? It's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't...Oh, crap!!

Construction Worker #1: My son got into DeVry.
Construction Worker #2: Oh, good, what'd he have to do? Open the door?
Construction Worker #1: [sighs] Can't you let me have anything?

Peter: Wai-wai-wai-Wait, hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about?
Giant Chicken: You know, I've completely forgotten.
Peter: Me, too.
Giant Chicken: Something about a coupon...It's all...
Peter: I cannot for the life of me remember...
Giant Chicken: Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. You know what? I-I just...I hope I didn't hurt you.
Peter: No, no, no. I...I'm alright.
Giant Chicken: But listen, you know what? Let me make it up to you. Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner?
Peter: Well, that sounds lovely.
[later that night at a fancy restaurant]
Peter: Uh, that was delicious. You know, I drive by this place all the time and I've never been inside; isn't that funny?
Giant Chicken: Y...Yeah, you know, Nicole and I came here by accident. W-We had reservations at another place and they...right, right, honey?
Nicole: Yeah, they couldn't seat us for like an hour, so we ended up coming here and we just loved it.
Giant Chicken: Loved it.
Peter: I can see why. I mean, th-that halibut was...that, may have been the best halibut I've ever had.
Giant Chicken: Well, glad we talked you out of the pork chops, huh?
Peter: Yes! Thank you! [a waiter comes by with the check] Oh, oh, oh, lemme, lemme, let me...I...I'll get that.
Giant Chicken: [grabs the check] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I got it.
Peter: No, no, no, no, no, I'm takin' care of this.
Giant Chicken: No, no, no, no, your money's no good here.
Peter: My food was more expensive, I feel bad. If I...
Giant Chicken: We invited you. I've got this.
Peter: [getting angry] Look, just let go of the check, huh?
Giant Chicken: [getting even angrier] You let go of the check!
Peter: I'm not takin' my hand off this thing!
Giant Chicken: Well, neither am I!
Peter: [through clenched teeth] Let...go...of the check!
Nicole: Ernie, if he wants to...
Peter: Stay out of this!
Giant Chicken: Don't you talk to my wife like that!
Peter: Oh, yeah?! What are you gonna do about it?!

Peter: I guess I'll see if I can get my old gig back selling buttscratchers at the ballpark.
[cut to Peter as a vendor at a baseball game]
Peter: Buttscratcha! Buttscratcha?! Gitcha buttscratcha heyuh! Buttscratcha!
Guy #1: Buttscratcha?
Peter: Buttscratcha!
Guy #1: Buttscratcha!
Peter: [gives him one] Mmm, buttscratcha.
Guy #2: Buttscratcha?!
Peter: Buttscratcha!

[Peter, Chris and Lois are walking through the hallways of the Quahog School for the Deaf with the Principal]
Lois: So do you think your school would be right for Chris?
Principal: Oh, absolutely. Quahog's School for the Deaf has great programs, both academic and athletic. [Opening the door to the gymnasium] In fact, you're just in time for our homecoming pep rally.
[Camera pans to a deaf guy and a crowd of schoolkids]
Deaf Guy: What are we gonna do to Lincoln?!
Schoolkids: Kill them!
Deaf Guy: I can't hear you!
Schoolkids: Kill them!
Deaf Guy: I can't hear you!
Schoolkids: Kill them!
Deaf Guy: I can't hear you!
Schoolkids: Kill them!
Deaf Guy: I can't hear you!
Schoolkids: Kill them!
Chris: Let's just go.

[The Griffin family are driving through Morningwood Academy, gazing at the campus sights]
Stewie: Yes, I should attend this institution. Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday.
[Cutaway to a live-action Neighborhood of Make-Believe, where a King Friday XIII-esque Stewie puppet is talking]
King Stewie: I am the Supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe! All will kneel before my... [A trolley drives past Stewie]
King Stewie: Ugh, what kind of freaking King lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?

Lois: So Chris how's the new school?
Chris: It's awful! I hate it! Everybody's mean to me because I'm not rich.
Lois: Oh no Chris that's horrible. Alright look, I'll tell you what, I'll call daddy and see if there is anything he can do.
Chris: Good, 'cause I haven't been this miserable since I had to throw Rocky Balboa out of the Shamrock Meat Company.
[Cutaway to Chris speaking with Rocky in a walk in freezer]
Chris: Look I'm...I'm sorry, I can't have you in here punching the meat. I mean there's really not too many things you can't do in here but that is one of them.
Rocky: What about Paulie? He's having sex with the meat.
[Camera pans to Paulie in bed with a slab of meat]
Paulie: Hey, Rock! I'm porking it!
Rocky: Ha ha ha, that's a good one.

[At a Skull & Bones Society Meeting]
Carter: Chris! Come here, you'll love this.
[Chris takes a seat]
Carter: The first Thursday of every month, we go to a local orphanage, pick out a kid, fill out all the paperwork, and then don't take him home! It's hilarious!
Chris: That sounds kinda cruel.
Carter: Naw, naw you'll love it, it's great.
[Cutaway to a small orphan sitting on the steps of an orphanage, red suitcase in hand]
[Carter and Chris drive up to the front, and the orphan runs to the car]
Carter: [during this, the orphan tries to open the door to the car, unsuccessfully] Come on! Come on in! Your family's waiting in here! There are toys, and a puppy! And food that's not served from warming trays!
[The orphan desperately tries to open the door, and then bangs on the window of the door]
Carter: Come on, you gotta want it!
[Orphan throws the briefcase at the window, only for it to bounce off the glass]
Carter: Aw, you gotta do better than that! Okay I guess you don't want a new family, toys and a puppy.

Peter: Chris, I'd give you a hug, but I'm exhausted from working two jobs to pay your tuition. I've been selling buttscratchers. Buttscratcha!
Lois: No, Peter!
Peter: Buttscratcha?!
Lois: Peter, no.
Peter: Buttscratcha!
Lois: No!
Peter: [sadly] Buttscratcha.

Carter: Sorry, master Herbert.
Herbert: Sorry? You better get your ass in there closet, Pewterschmidt.
Carter: Yes, sir.
Herbert: I'm so tired of you.

Chris: Cool, I don't have to go to school. I can just pee in my bed all day.

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