Peter: [to William Shatner] Yes, I have a question for Captain that episode where you drown your wife; Why are you so fat?

[Lois, Peter and Meg are at the Star Trek Convention]
Meg Griffin: Dad, this is stupid! I'm so bored!
Peter Griffin: How can you be bored? This convention has everything! You can even try on LeVar Burton's visor.
[Peter picks up the visor and wears it. People in his vision suddenly appear to look like Ku Klux Klan members holding torches and a shotgun]
Peter Griffin: [screams, then removes the visor] Why would he wear these?!...Who would invent these for him?!

[Stewie's bedroom, the entire cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" are standing on his transporter pad, with Stewie standing beside the transporter controls, exhausted]
Stewie Griffin: [To the cast] This...was...exhausting. This whole experience, was absolutely...exhausting. You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me, you are absolutely, the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with, I hope you all fucking die.
Patrick Stewart: I still have five prize tickets from the Carnival.
Stewie Griffin: There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this!
Patrick Stewart: Well, but, LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy troll pencil topper.
Stewie Griffin: Oh yeah? You gonna share that?
LeVar Burton: Yeah, we were gonna share it.
Stewie Griffin: Really? How's that gonna work?
Patrick Stewart: Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.
Stewie Griffin: For a pencil-topper?!
Michael Dorn: I have to pee again.
Stewie Griffin: That's it. Goodbye.
[Stewie pulls a lever on the control panel, and the cast are dematerialized. The drink that LeVar was holding however, was not, and it falls to the floor, spilling everywhere]
Stewie Griffin: Fuck!!

Brian: I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius.
Peter Griffin: Ha!

Brian: Ok, fine, the let me ask you this. If there were a God, would He have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass.
Meg Griffin: I'm made in His image.
Brian: Really? Would He give you a smoking hot Mom like Lois and have you grow-up looking like Peter?
Meg Griffin: Well...
Brian: And what kind of God would put you in a house where no one respects and cares about you, not even enough to give you a damn mumps shot?!

Cleveland: Hey, where the hell is my van?
[Stewie and the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" stop at the McDonald's drive thru]
Marina Sirtis: Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast food eater.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking "shut up and get a salad."
Brent Spiner: I want some McNuggets!
Stewie Griffin: We'll get to you, Brent.
Wil Wheaton: I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake...
[Patrick Stewart punches Wil Wheaton in the back of the head]
Patrick Stewart: You'll get nothing and like it!
Stewie Griffin: Uh, hello?
Employee: Yes, welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, hailing frequencies open, huh?
[Stewie laughs]
Stewie Griffin: Uh, yeah, uh, we're gonna get, uh, two McChicken sandwiches and a diet coke and...uh, uh, what do you want, Michael?
Michael Dorn: A McDLT.
Stewie Griffin: No, I already told you, they don't make those anymore.
Michael Dorn: You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.
Stewie Griffin: No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore.
Jonathan Frakes: I'd love a shamrock shake if they got any of those.
Stewie Griffin: It's September, Jonathan.
[LeVar Burton has a visor on]
LeVar Burton: Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off?
Stewie Griffin: No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see.
Michael Dorn: I'm just saying, they have all the ingredients for a McDL...
[Some behind the van honks their horn]
Stewie Griffin: Just hang on! Alright? There's a lot of us! There's a lot of-- it's a big order!
Patrick Stewart: What time do they stop serving breakfast?
Stewie Griffin: It's 3:00.
Patrick Stewart: Some of them serve breakfast all day.
Stewie Griffin: None of them serve breakfast all day!
Michael Dorn: Do they have beer?

Dr. Hartman: Well, Meg has the mumps alright. How is it she was never immunized?
Peter: Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't involved Dan Cortese. Besides, what's a big deal? I never got a mumps shot.
Dr. Hartman: Really? Well, I caution you, that getting the mumps as an adult could result a serious complications. In some cases the symptoms could spread to the testicular glands.
Peter: Big deal, so I wear socks.
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, your testicles are not on your feet.
Peter: Oh, where are they?
Dr. Hartman: Under your penis.
Peter: Are you kidding? I always thought those were two little sandbags to keep floodwaters from floating into my bum. No, no. I'm just poking at your funny bone. I am quite alarmed.

Peter: That's right folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one'd blame ya.

[When Stewie transports the cast of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” into his room]
Stewie: Greeting everyone, my name is Stewie Griffin. I've transported you all here against your will. I'm a huge fan. And you are going to answer all my questions.
Denise Crosby: But, you’re a baby.
Stewie: Yes, that’s right, Denise Crosby. [shoots her with a Klingon phaser] That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you are spoken to. Now, question #1: what's it like on the set?
Marina Sirtis: The show's been off the air for fifteen years.
Michael Dorn: Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun, you know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight.
Patrick Stewart: Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later, you've still got that attitude!
Stewie: Oh, my God! I'm already having a fantastic time. Let's spend a day together!
Wil Wheaton: Hey, that sounds like fun!
Patrick Stewart: [slaps Wil in the back of the head] Shut up, Wil.
Wil Wheaton: Stop it, Patrick!
Stewie: You know, I think you should all be nicer to Hwil Hwheaton.
Patrick Stewart: The way I treat my colleague... wait, what?
Stewie: I said, you should be nicer to Hwil Hwheaton. Hwil Hwheaton seems like a nice guy.
Patrick Stewart: Say "Wheat".
Stewie: Wheat.
Patrick Stewart: Now say "Wil Wheaton".
Stewie: Hwil Hwheaton.
Patrick Stewart: Wil Wheaton.
Stewie: Hwil Hwheaton.
Patrick Stewart: Wil Wheaton.
Stewie: Hwil Hwheaton.
Patrick Stewart: Wil Wheaton.
Stewie: Hey, did you hook up with Hwhoopi Goldberg on the show?
Patrick Stewart: All the time.

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