Glenn Quagmire: Well it's your fault for getting her knocked up. That's why I always use a c...[laughing] cond..[laughing] I'm sorry I can't even say that with a straight face.

Joe Swanson: Wow, Peter! I gotta say, this lemonade stand was a really good idea! It's selling really well.
Peter Griffin: That's because it has my secret ingredient in it... Vodka!

Carter Pewterschmidt: [blends up a stack of $20,000 and drinks it] In about an hour, I'm going to piss away 20 grand.
Glenn Quagmire: What are ya, gonna bet on the Knicks? [laughter by himself] Is that, I'm sorry, I mean how often, I mean... oh man, nobody thinks that's funny?

Cleveland Brown: Uh-oh. It's a combination lock. Looks like I'm just gonna have to cut through it. Good thing I brought Reese Witherspoon's chin.

Peter: Okay, I'm going to turn on Two and a Half Men. If your baby isn't brain-dead, it'll come running out to change the channel.

Quagmire: [After the baby is born] It's hard to believe she's already 18.

Seamus: It's good to let the old midsection breathe.
Peter: What uh... How the hell are you alive?

Stewie: Brian, what do you think of this song? [sings and plays guitar] Susie, you're a baby. [stops singing] And that's all I got.
Brian: That was terrible. That was like Beethoven near the end.
[cutaway to Beethoven at a piano humming the Ninth Symphony in a deaf voice]
Beethoven: La la la la la la la la la la la la, la, lala. They're gonna love this.

[Brian and Stewie are in Stewie's room. Stewie is holding a guitar and talking about the song he wrote for Susie Swanson]
Stewie: Well I've still gotta do a little work on it.
Brian: What's it called?
Stewie: "Susie"
Brian : Wow a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
Stewie: Name twenty!
Brian: Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From the Block.
Stewie: ...Name six more!
Brian: Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
Stewie: ...Name five more!
Brian: Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary Ann, Eleanor Rigby.
Stewie: [Throws his guitar down on the ground, as he walks out] Go fuck yourself!

[Peter, Quagmire, and Cleaveland enter the vault]
Peter: Holy crap! It's another door.
Quagmire: Well, what do we do now?
Female Voice: Welcome to the vault. Voice identification please.
Peter: Uh oh.
Cleveland: [Imitating Carter] It's me, Carter. I want my money.
Female voice: Voice identification verified.
[Door opens]
Quagmire: How the hell did you do that!?!
Cleveland: [normal voice] I can do you guys too. [Peter's voice] Hey, everybody!
Peter: Oh, hey Peter.
Cleveland: [Normal voice] No, it's still me.
Peter: Oh.
[Guys arrive at different door]
Female Voice: Welcome to the inner vault. Penial Identification required.
Quagmire: Let me handle this. [Unzips his pants, puts his pelvis to the door and it opens. He then re-zips his pants]
Peter: That's amazing? How the hell did you match it?
Quagmire: Oh, I didn't match the shape. I just stuck it in there and broke it.

[Peter and his friends are planning to rob Carter Pewtershmidt]
Peter: Alright. On a normal night in the Pewtershmidt mansion, there might be as much as $6,000,000 in the vault alone, but this Saturday is the Pewtershmidt's annual "Bring-All-Your-Cash-And-Put-It-In-Our-Safe" party. Considering the guest list, there could be as much as $40,000,000.
Cleveland: But we only need $20,000.
Peter: [sigh] Alright, look, I'll be honest with you. My father-in-law has treated me like crap for almost 20 years, and it's time for a little payback. I tell you, he's treated me worse than that jerk Christian Bale did.
[cutaway to an audio tape machine playing]
Christian Bale: I want you off the fucking set, you prick!
Peter: Sorry.
Christian Bale: No, don't just be sorry. Think for one fucking second!
Peter: I dropped a peanut M&M and it rolled over here.
Christian Bale: Am I going to walk around and rip your fucking lights down, in the middle of a scene?!
Peter: Those are Christmas lights. I put them up to make everyone happy.
Christian Bale: Then why the fuck are you walking right through? Ah-da-da-da-dah, like this in the background. What the fuck is it with you?!
Peter: Boy, you are gonna owe a fortune to the swear jar.
Christian Bale: You got any fucking idea about, "Hey, it’s fucking distracting having somebody walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the fucking scene?" Give me a fucking answer!
Peter: I...I don't get it.
Christian Bale: What don’t you get about it?
Peter: I ju... I don't get why we need another Terminator. I just...I...I don't...I don't get it. Oh, and, uh, by the way, sorry, I...I, I ate that last piece of pie that you were saving for yourself.
Christian Bale: Ohhhhh, goooood for you! And how was it?
Peter: Uh, it was good.
Christian Bale: I hope it was fucking good, because it’s useless now, isn’t it?!
Peter: Well, it's nourishing me, so that's, that's useful.
Christian Bale: Fuck sake, man, you’re amateur.
Peter: I don't know that word.
Christian Bale: Stay off the fucking set, man. Alright, let’s go again.
Peter: Can we just take a minute?
Christian Bale: No, let’s not take a fucking minute, let’s go again!
Peter: I gotta go pee, and I wanna walk around some more, but I don't wanna do it while the scene's going.
Christian Bale: You're unbelievable, man.
Peter: You know, I...I just don't understand...
Christian Bale: Ahh, you don't fucking understand what it's like working with actors. That's what that is.
Peter: I don't... I don't think that's what that...
Christian Bale: That's what that is, man, I'm telling you!
Peter: Hey, my family's coming to town, do you mind pretending that I'm the director?
Christian Bale: I’m going to fucking kick your fucking ass if you don’t shut up for a second! All right?
Peter: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! P...Please don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me, Mr. Bale!
Christian Bale: I’m going to go... Do you want me to fucking go trash your lights?
Peter: No!
Peter: [in tears] No, I don't what you to trash 'em!
Christian Bale: You do it one more fucking time and I ain’t walking on this set if you’re still hired.
Peter: Sorry, it's my first day.
Christian Bale: I’m fucking serious. You’re a nice guy. You’re a nice guy...
Peter: I don't feel like a nice guy...
Christian Bale: ...but that don’t fucking cut it when you bullshit and you’re fucking around like this on set.
Peter: Jeez, you punch your mother with that mouth?
Christian Bale: Seriously, man, you and me, we're fucking done, professionally.
Peter: Wait, just professionally... [gasps] Are you asking me out on a date?
Christian Bale: Fuckin' ass.

[Joe and Lois are in the surveillance van and Lois convinces Joe to abort the plan to steal money from Mr. Pewtershmidt]
Joe: [To his headset microphone] Guys...put the money back and get outta there.
Peter: [Through the headset] What?? Are you outta your mind??
Joe: Tell 'em Megatron.
[He takes off his headset and holds it up to Megatron who is standing beside him]
Megatron: DO AS I COMMAND!
Peter: Okay, okay! Jeez.

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