Indiana Jones: Snakes...why did it have to be snakes?
Snake: Elderly potheads...why did it have to be elderly potheads.

[Brian vomits on the carpet]
Peter: Oh Lois, your dog threw up.

Neil Goldman: Hey Chris, I noticed you were sitting alone. Mind if I join you.
Chris: Sure, we both have hats, makes sense.

Peter: Alright Brian, it's time for you to take one of these pills from the vet.
Brian: Uh yeah, right. Can we do what we normally where we roll it up in a piece of cheese like you're fooling me?
Peter: Yeah, I guess. But then you're going to have cheese in your ass.

Brian: Peter, get away from my ass!

Meg: Look, I'd love to stay and talk Neil, but I have homework and there was no toilet paper in the girls bathroom.

[As a child cranks his "Pete in the Box", "Pop Goes the Weasel" plays until Peter springs out and falls on the child]
Peter: [inhaling loudly] ...GOES THE WEASEL!

Principal Shepherd: [looking buff as he directs kids through the school hallway] Move along, gotta keep the hallway clear. This isn't because of my divorce.
Chris: Good for him, he actually followed through.

Meg: Thanks for doing my book report Neil. AND I didn't even have to change the handwriting because you write like a girl.
Neil: You should see me throw.

Chris: You know, If I didn't know better I'd think that FISH ARE GHOSTS and I'd also think that you're putting the moves on Meg.

[Brian refers to Stewie as "master"]
Stewie: Master? AND a surprisingly quick erection for Stewie.

[Brian finished tying Peter's bow tie]
Peter: Thanks, Brian. I love the new you. That obedience school really schooled you in obedience.

[Meg is at the theater with Neil]
Meg: You know, this is nice. It's actually the first time I've been on a date since I got the nickname "gutter ball."

[Dr. Hartman is at the theater with his dad and Seamus]
Dr. Hartman: [irritated] Ok dad, you got us in, now just go.

[Cleveland looks around at the Drunken Clam in a frightened manner]
Quagmire: Cleveland, what are you looking at?
Cleveland: I'm on edge. Saw Halloween II last night.
Peter: Brian, go outside. Keep guard for Michael Myers.
Cleveland: If he seem like he dead, he ain't dead.

Neil: [sadly] I'm sorry Meg, but my friendship with Chris, is more important.
Meg: You're a jerk, Neil!

[Peter heaves rocks at Cleveland's door]
Peter: This is b...'cause I'm drunk.
Cleveland: [from inside] Move out, Irish trash.

[Peter is concerned about Brian's docility]
Lois: I think that we just have to accept that this is how he is now. Don't forget he bit you, Peter. I mean, what if he bit Stewie?
Stewie: [calling from his bedroom] Why don't you bite me, bitch.

[Stewie later considers his words]
Stewie: [from his bedroom] I'm sorry, was that too harsh? It sounded more playful in my head.

[After bonding with Brian again]
Peter: And now I'm gonna go upstairs and pee in Meg's bed.
Brian: NO...We're going to go pee in Meg's bed.
Peter: Good boy.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Once Bitten's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes