Family Guy Wiki

One if by Clam, Two if by Sea/Quotes

< One if by Clam, Two if by Sea

5,848pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Talk0 Share
Diane: Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound Quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for a look at how local are dealing with the imminent disaster. Tricia?
Tricia: Diane, I'm hearing... [a flying brown car crashes her]
Diane: Thank you, Tricia. Stay tuned for further...
Greg the Weather Mime: [flying into Tom and Diane] AAAGGGHHH!

Stewie: Well, dog if you have extra sensitive hearing, hear this. [mouthing] Fuck you.
Brian: I'm telling.
Stewie: No, wait! I said vacuum.

Peter: [Finding the Clam has changed] Holy crap! It's a gay bar!

Peter: Anybody get that?
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette."
Peter: Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.

Peter: Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-sucking British bastards!
Lois: Peter!
Nigel: Hello, Nigel Pinchley here. I was just introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet. [He and Lois start laughing; looks over Lois]
Peter: Holy crap! You're one of them!
Lois: Peter, Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors.
Nigel: Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the "limey bastard" who has purchased your bar.

Eliza: [to Stewie in a Cockney accent] Aw, look at the little baby!
Stewie: Ahh! What the devil is that ghastly noise?
Eliza: It's me! Eliza Pinchley. You want a flower, little baby? [offers a flower to Stewie]
Stewie: Excuse me. What I think you mean to say is, "Would I like a flower?" Heavens! You don't so much speak the language as chew on it and spit it out!

Peter: [to Nigel] Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex, I called Lois "Frank." Your move, Sherlock.

Lois: Why are you acting like this? Nigel's charming. All British men are.
Peter: Yeah, right. That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli.
[Cutaway to Benjamin Disraeli sitting at a desk, writing]
Benjamin Disraeli: [looks up to the camera] You don't even know who I am.

Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well. And if I win?
Brian: Well, I...I wasn't betting. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: You're on!

Nigel: Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!
Cleveland: Don't tread on me!
Peter: Yeah, back off! We kicked your ass in World War II, and we can do it again!
Nigel: Very well, then. If you refuse to go peaceably, I'm afraid we'll have to use our superior linguistic skills to convince you to leave.
Peter: Oh, yeah? Just try it!
[Scene cuts to Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland leaving the pub]
Peter, Joe, Quagmire, & Cleveland: Bye, now.
Cleveland: Thanks.
Joe: Sorry to bother you.
Quagmire: I never saw it that way before. Wait, how the hell did they do that?

Cleveland: I do feel a little guilty about pollutin'.
Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.

Judge: You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail! Ha! Now you got burned! No bail!

Stewie: It's an "H" sound, you moron! H! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Eliza: Eww, your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie: I was curious!

Lois: Demond Wilson from Sanford and Son? What are you doing here?
Demond Wilson: I know. I'm surprised I'm alive, too.

Insurance Agent: Mr. Pinchley, I heard everything! What you've done is a textbook example of insurance "fraud"!
Nigel: Oh, bloody hell! What the devil were you doing in the closet anyway?
Insurance Agent: I came with Demond.

Trica Takanawa: One thing is certain, the pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase: "Hey. Check out that flaming queen."

Peter: [Finding the bar is intact after the hurricane] Thank you, God!
God: Don't mention it.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// One if by Clam, Two if by Sea's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes

Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.

Also on Fandom

Random Wiki