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One if by Clam, Two if by Sea/Quotes

< One if by Clam, Two if by Sea

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Diane: Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound Quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for a look at how local are dealing with the imminent disaster. Tricia?
Tricia: Diane, I'm hearing... [a flying brown car crashes her]
Diane: Thank you, Tricia. Stay tuned for further...
Greg the Weather Mime: [flying into Tom and Diane] AAAGGGHHH!

Stewie: Well, dog if you have extra sensitive hearing, hear this. [mouthing] Fuck you.
Brian: I'm telling.
Stewie: No, wait! I said vacuum.

Peter: [Finding the Clam has changed] Holy crap! It's a gay bar!

Peter: Anybody get that?
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette."
Peter: Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.

Peter: Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-sucking British bastards!
Lois: Peter!
Nigel: Hello, Nigel Pinchley here. I was just introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet. [He and Lois start laughing; looks over Lois]
Peter: Holy crap! You're one of them!
Lois: Peter, Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors.
Nigel: Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the "limey bastard" who has purchased your bar.

Eliza: [to Stewie in a Cockney accent] Aw, look at the little baby!
Stewie: Ahh! What the devil is that ghastly noise?
Eliza: It's me! Eliza Pinchley. You want a flower, little baby? [offers a flower to Stewie]
Stewie: Excuse me. What I think you mean to say is, "Would I like a flower?" Heavens! You don't so much speak the language as chew on it and spit it out!

Peter: [to Nigel] Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex, I called Lois "Frank." Your move, Sherlock.

Lois: Why are you acting like this? Nigel's charming. All British men are.
Peter: Yeah, right. That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli.
[Cutaway to Benjamin Disraeli sitting at a desk, writing]
Benjamin Disraeli: [looks up to the camera] You don't even know who I am.

Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well. And if I win?
Brian: Well, I...I wasn't betting. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: You're on!

Nigel: Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!
Cleveland: Don't tread on me!
Peter: Yeah, back off! We kicked your ass in World War II, and we can do it again!
Nigel: Very well, then. If you refuse to go peaceably, I'm afraid we'll have to use our superior linguistic skills to convince you to leave.
Peter: Oh, yeah? Just try it!
[Scene cuts to Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland leaving the pub]
Peter, Joe, Quagmire, & Cleveland: Bye, now.
Cleveland: Thanks.
Joe: Sorry to bother you.
Quagmire: I never saw it that way before. Wait, how the hell did they do that?

Cleveland: I do feel a little guilty about pollutin'.
Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.

Judge: You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail! Ha! Now you got burned! No bail!

Stewie: It's an "H" sound, you moron! H! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Eliza: Eww, your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie: I was curious!

Lois: Demond Wilson from Sanford and Son? What are you doing here?
Demond Wilson: I know. I'm surprised I'm alive, too.

Insurance Agent: Mr. Pinchley, I heard everything! What you've done is a textbook example of insurance "fraud"!
Nigel: Oh, bloody hell! What the devil were you doing in the closet anyway?
Insurance Agent: I came with Demond.

Trica Takanawa: One thing is certain, the pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase: "Hey. Check out that flaming queen."

Peter: [Finding the bar is intact after the hurricane] Thank you, God!
God: Don't mention it.

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