Peter: You'll have my stool in your eye and that's all you'll get!
Stewie: You're treating your vagina like a Red Roof Inn.
Meg: I can do it.
Lois: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie.
Lois: [laughs] I'm just jokin'.
Stewie: Oh, not cool.
[Upon seeing Meg topless]
The Count: One nipple hahaha. Two nipples, hahaha. Three nip... Oh hell no, I'm outta here.
Chris: Yeah, Mom. You get crazy when you're pregnant.
[cut to Peter and a pregnant Lois on the couch. Chris walks in]
Chris: Mom, I can't find my jacket. [Lois starts laughing and turns into crying]
Lois: Peter, take off that belt! The buckle smells like acid!
Brian: What if a woman is raped?
Peter: Well perhaps she should have thought of that before she asked me for directions.
Peter: Alright, we are running out of time, we're gonna get this orgy started or what?
Peter: We are running out of time. Are we going to get this orgy started, or what?
Meg: That was amazing! Sorry I farted in the middle of it.
Peter: If he tries anything I'm going to kick him right in the balllllll---gina?
Lois: Peter, this is Naomi.
Peter: Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths?
Lois: Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college.
Peter: No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God!
God: Don't mention it, Peter.
Chorus: [singing] God! He knows what turns you on!
God: Have fun!
Peter: I'm here to save the unborn, Brian. After they are born they can go fuck themselves.
Lois: Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.
Peter: [to the home audience] We had the abortion.