Stewie: Alright, alright. See you later. Don't forget! Nah, you're not gonna forget.
Brian: [coming out of shower, opens door] Stewie? Yh, hey.
Stewie: Hey there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours. Got my money?
Brian: Ah... You know what, just give me till next Friday, I'll have it for you.
Stewie: Oh. Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today.
Brian: Yeah, I don't have it, sorry.
Stewie: Oh, well, alright then. [drinks orange juice] Mmm, that's good O.J. [smashes glass on Brian's head]
Brian: Aaargh! Aaarghh!!
Stewie: Yeah, that hurt?
Stewie: That hurt?
Brian: What the hell?! [continues yelling]
Stewie: Yeah, that don't feel so good, does it? No, huh? [punches Brian] Yeah, that's what happens, man!
Brian: Oh, my God!
Stewie: Yeah, that's what happens. [punches Brian again] Where's my money?! You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?! [Brian coughs up blood, Stewie gets towel rack, continuously hits him with it] Where's the money, man?! Yeah, you like that?! That feel good?! [holds his head in toilet water, Brian starts screaming more and Stewie takes him out of the toilet] Where's the money, man?! Where's my money?! You got till five o'clock. You hear me?! You got till 5 o'clock!
Brian: You freakin' psychopath!
Stewie: Yeah, clean yourself up.
Brian: [incognito] Mornin'.
Stewie: Good day to you, sir. Wait a minute! What the hell?!
Brian: Oh-h-h-h-- [Stewie pushes down the stairs] Aaargh! Oh-ow-ow-ugh! Ohh... [Stewie hits his head with golf club] Argh!
Stewie: Getting real tired of you duckin' me, man!
Brian: Oh, my God!
Stewie: Yeah, gettin' really tired. Huh?
Brian: Ogh! Arg-argh!
Stewie: Where's my money?! Where's my money?! Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah, huh? How much did you pay for that fake moustache?
Brian: $2.99. [Stewie shoots his left knee] Aaargh!! Ow! Oh! Oh..! Listen, you just gotta give me more ti...[Stewie shoots his right knee] Aaargh!
Stewie: Don't make a fool out of me, man. Don't make a fool out of me. I want my money. I want my money, man!
Brian: Listen, Stewie, this is crazy, you're...Oh, my God! [Stewie shoots his flamethrower at him] Aaarrrgghhh! Aaagghh-aghh..! [the flames extinguish itself] All right, let's go the bank.
Tom Tucker: Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out?
Diane Simmons: [breaks down crying] Oh, God!
Tom Tucker: Coming up, America's new curse word: "clemin". We'll tell you what it means after this.
Peter: I want to thank God. I want to thank the Lord God, because it's really not up to me it's up to him. Umm and I want to thank the devil too, you know because that's why God's there. He's minding the fence making sure that guy never comes back. You know if it weren't for the devil God would probably go insane, blow his brains out from boredom, you know? Everybody likes to feel useful. Make a da world go 'round. Back to you, Tom.
Fred Flintstone: B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bet! Wait a minute, there's nothing funny about an addiction. Vote "no" on Indian gaming laws.
Carol Channing: Up yours, young people! You and your rock 'n roll 8-track tapes!
Stewie: How 'bout we let bygones be bygones, hmm?
Brian: You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off.
Peter: You know, Mike Tyson once beat up his wife. But there's nothing funny about that.
Chris: Mom, there's no water in the toilet.
Lois: First of all, Chris, it's called a loo. Second, there's no water in it because everyone here just uses Elizabeth Hurley.
Chris: Alright, well, where is she, 'cause I need her now!
Tom Brady: Listen, Leno! If you don't stop calling my home, I'm gonna notify the police!
Lois: Do you know he spent $30,000 on a wax sculpture of Harriet Tubman doing Gwyneth Paltrow?
[Peter is in the house looking at the sculpture]
Peter: Yeah. Yeah. That is happening for real! Yeah. I'll enjoy that more tomorrow.