Commentator 1: The administration's plan for peace in the Middle East is shallow and pedantic.
Commentator 2: I agree. Shallow and pedantic.
Peter: I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic.
[at the dinner table]
Lois: Everything all right. Peter?
Peter: Well, Lois, since you asked, I find this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic.
Brian: What is this? You're gonna talk down to everyone just because you won a game of Trivial Pursuit?
Brian: Do you ever stop and think, "Wow I'm married to that guy?"
Lois: No I usually just repress it.
Brian: Is that healthy?
Lois: Ah, whats the worst that could happen?
Tumor in Lois's head: [Peter's voice] I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor. I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor. I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor. Oh oh I'm tumor.
Peter: Coming through special needs!! I'll have a...oh is this on?! [Grabs microphone] Attention all restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.
Lois: Gimme that!!! [Grabs microphone and talks in it] Sorry ladies and gentlemen!! Oh my God, is that my voice? God, it's all whiny and nasally and... egh.
Cleveland: This is a shakedown.
Agent Jessup: Mr. Griffin, this isn't going to work.
Cleveland: Yeah, Peter, you and five of those prostitutes, get out of my house.
Lois: Okay here we go, "What color is a firetruck?"
Peter: Aww, oh God I always get these. Umm..okay..uhh..all right..firetruck..firetruck firetruck firetruck firetruck. What color are those red firetrucks? Uhh..Oh god I can picture them now...all red and everything.
Peter: My whole world has been turned upside down, black is east, up is white.
Brian: Uh, Peter I don't want to say "I told you so" for not being a genius, but... YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, FUCKWAD!!!... I'm...I'm sorry...
Meg I can't believe this is happening to me. I can never go back to school again.
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces... or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.
Peter: [On the phone] Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffin. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a while...so listen, um, I just found out that I'm retarded and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested. ...Hello?
Joe: So, what can I do for you Peter?
Peter: Well Joe, I need to talk to you about something kind of personal.
Peter: Well, you know, I took this test and, uh, it sorta turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. And, um, i just wanted to ask, ya know, how do you deal with it?
Joe: Deal with what?
Peter: You know, with being retarded.
Joe: Peter, I'm not retarded, I'm handicapped.
Peter: Oh, well now your just splitting hairs.
Chris: Yea, we can live with you again even though you are a dangerous retard!
Peter: Chris, don't say retard. We prefer to be called 'little people' because there is nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, I've learned we are superior, above all you dumb brainy smarties , and one day you will beg us for mercy...and we will consider it.
Peter: [reading a gamecard] For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Aww, man doesn't anyone ever win at this game!?
Cleveland: You don't win. You just do a little better each time.
Peter: BIBLE FIGHT!!!!!!!
Peter: I feel terrible Brian, I put Lois in a hospital and I lost the kids. This is turning out worse than Stewie's iPod commercial.
Lois: Peter, this is for the win, say the word "what".
Peter: Wow. Okay. This really separates the men from the boys.
Lois: Peter, just say "What"!!
Peter: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now, Lois. This is not a race. Okay, I wanna say "who." Oh, boy. Fantastic Four. Fantastic Four, steak, steak, steak, steak, a small amount of peas. Is it "what?"
Lois: That's right. You win, Peter. You did it.
Chris: My dad's smarter than your dad.
Meg: We have the same dad, idiot.
Chris: Yeah, but mine's smarter!
Dan Rather: Good evening. I'm Dan Rather. And tonight on CBS News... seven Saudi soldiers sodomize... several of Saddam 's southern settlement squatters. [whistles until a producer puts him on a different seat; whistling then stops] I'm Dan Rather.