[Peter looks very happy after Michael proposes to Meg, and she accepts]
Peter Griffin: Ah, see, that's an even more beautiful sight than 72 virgins waiting in Heaven for a suicide bomber!
[cut to the blissfully unaware suicide bomber]
Suicide Bomber: [gleefully] Here I am! [looks shocked to see a bunch of male happy sci-fi geeks in costumes playing on computers]
Nerd in Wizard Costume: [looks up, smiling] We're playing "Magic: The Gathering"! Wanna join?
Suicide Bomber: [angrily yells at sky] OSAMA!!!!

Peter Griffin: [furious] We don't know him! In fact, he could possibly not even be a real boy! He could be just two crafty dwarves in an overcoat, wanting to see what sex with a big person's like! Is that what you want, Lois?! Two crafty dwarves in an overcoat gettin' in bed with your only daughter... Wait, do dwarves grant wishes?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter. They're ordinary people, just like you and me.
Peter Griffin: Well, goodbye phone in the bathroom, but still, Lois, its the same point I'm trying to make!

Dr. Hartman: Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter. [bursts out laughing] I mean, I mean... I mean your daughter's in a coma! What-- oh my God, did, did you hear what I said?! [babbles] Brain freeze! [laughs] Oh, my God! Oh, that one is going in the Christmas letter!

Peter Griffin: I never realized how much I've taken her for granted. I mean, she's my only daughter, and I feel like I never treated her as well as I should have.
[cutaway to the Griffins' kitchen, during what appears to be lunch]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Meg, you got something on your shirt. [points to her shirt. She looks down, and he flicks her nose and laughs.
[cutaway to Meg walking down the hallway, while Peter stands in the bathroom doorway. He puts his leg out and trips her as she walks by, causing her to fall flat]
[cutaway to the living room, where Peter is watching tv when Meg enters]
Meg Griffin: Hi, Dad. [Peter quickly pulls out a gun and shoots her; she falls over, bleeding]
[in the hospital]
Lois Griffin: Oh, don't be too hard on yourself, Peter. We all do things that we're not proud of.
Peter Griffin: Well, I am gonna change! You hear me, Meg? If you come out of this, I am gonna treat you like a princess for the rest of your life. 'Cause I've been a worse father than Abraham.
[cutaway to Abraham and Isaac walking down a mountain, after almost sacrificing his son]
Isaac: You wanna tell me what the fuck THAT was!?

Stewie: Hey, Brian. Knock-knock.
Brian: Who's there?
Stewie: [whispering] Two friends building a house together.

[Peter is treating Meg better than ever before]
Meg Griffin: Yeah, and I can't believe how you stood up to Connie D'Amico for me.
[cutaway to Meg outside her school locker. Connie and her friends walk up to her]
Connie D'Amico: Hey, Meg.
Meg Griffin: Uh, hi, Connie.
Connie D'Amico: I can't fit all my books in my locker. Could I put the rest of them on your ginormous ass? [she and her friends laugh. Peter walks in]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Connie. Hi, Peter Griffin. Meg's father. Say, uh, can you do me a favor? Uh, you see that fire extinguisher there? [Peter starts smashing her head in it repeatedly]
Meg Griffin: Dad, that's enough! [tries to pull him away] Dad, that's enough! THAT'S ENOUGH, DAD!

Peter Griffin [about Meg's date] This guy may look harmless by the outside, but on the inside, he could be a complete bastard, like Fred Flintstone.
[cutaway to Fred and Wilma sitting in a lawyer's office]
Mr. Stoneberg: So, why exactly do you want this separation?
Fred Flintstone: Well, Mr. Stoneberg, in a nutshell, the cat put me outside. I was banging on the door for like, twenty minutes shouting, "Wilma!"
Wilma Flintstone: I didn't hear you.
Fred Flintstone: Oh, there's no way you didn't hear me.
Wilma Flintstone: I was in the shower.
Fred Flintstone: Oh, she was in the shower.
Wilma Flintstone: [overlapping with Fred] The elephant's trunk was on full blast; I couldn't hear you. And besides, you're always yelling about something! How the hell am I supposed to know when to pay attention?!
Fred Flintstone: [overlapping with Wilma] You could have been right on the other side of the door, and you wouldn't have done a damn thing! All you do is spend my money on expensive clothes and hair-dos! [wilma stops] But when I wanna get my rocks off, you're nowhere to be found, you passive-agressive bitch!

Peter: I just want to talk to him.
Meg: Why do you have a shotgun?
Peter: I just want to talk to him.
Meg: Dad, this is ridiculous!
Peter: I just want to talk to him.
Meg: Put that gun away!
Peter: I just want to talk to him.
Meg: What are you doing, it's not his fault.
Peter: I just want to shoot him.

Lois Griffin: Look, Why don't you just talk to him? You might find out he's not so bad.
Peter Griffin: Alright, Lois, but I know what my gut tells me. [turns and faces the camera] And right now, it's telling me I have... [the words "Indigestion" appear over his stomach, which swells]
Peter Griffin: But, I'll suck it up and talk to Michael. [turns his backside to the camera] Even though I've also got... [the word "Diarrhea" appear on his butt, which also swells]
Deep Voice: DIARRHEA!

[Meg and Michael are having dinner at the restaurant]
Michael: Uh, Meg, I'm not sure, but I think your dad is sitting at that table over there.
Meg Griffin: What? Where?
Michael: Well, I can't tell if it's him. I, I think he's wearing some kind of disguise. [camera pans to the right to reveal Peter sitting at another table, dressed in a stereotypical Asian man disguise]
Meg Griffin: Oh my God, Dad! [she and Michael walk up to him] What do you think you're doing?
Peter Griffin [in fake Asian accent]: Petah? Who Petah?
Meg Griffin: [annoyed] I didn't say "Peter". I said "Dad"!
Peter Griffin: [has a slow look of realization on his face; still in fake Asian accent] Ohhhhhhhhh...

[Stewie and Brian are renovating a broken-down house]
Stewie: All right, Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie; I'll call you when I get up there.
Brian: Okay. [Stewie leaves with the wire and a walkie-talkie]
Stewie: Brian, pick up. Over.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Brian, please say "over" when you finish talking. Over.
Brian: What? Over.
Stewie: Do you see the wire yet? Over.
Brian: No.
Stewie: No... what? Over.
Brian: No. Over.
Stewie: Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through. Over.
Brian: Wait, if you haven't started feeding it, why'd you ask me if I could see it?
Stewie: Didn't copy that. Over.
Brian: I said, why'd you ask me if I could see it if you haven't started feeding it? Over.
Stewie: Oh, that's better, I can hear you now. Over. You see it yet? Over.
Brian: You know, you're a jackass. For the record, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what, Brian? Over.
Brian: I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what? You gotta finish your sentence. Over.
Brian: That's it. My sentence is over.
Stewie: Your sentence is what, Brian? Over.
Brian: My sentence is... Wait a minute, I have to say "over" even if the sentence ends with the word "over"?
Stewie: Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. [the wire finally comes down from the wall]
Brian: Oh, I see the wire.
Stewie: You see the wire what, Brian? Over.
Brian: [grabs the wire and pulls hard] OVER!

[after renovating the house fails]
Stewie: So, listen. Uh, we're gonna wanna be leaving now.
Brian: Why?
Stewie: Because I just emptied a full tank of gasoline and lit a match; We've got about five seconds. [they run out of the house before it explodes]
Brian: Didn't we have an electrician in there today?
Stewie: Uh, he left. Uh, pretty sure he left.
Brian: Isn't that his truck? [camera pans to the electrician's truck]
Stewie: Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to Doggy Hell.

Lois: Meg, are you sure you wanna go through with this? [marrying Michael] You know, there are other options.
Meg: Mom, I'm not getting an abortion!
Lois: Well, I'm not saying an abortion, per se. Maybe you just drink and smoke a lot.
Meg: What?!
Lois: Just don't start doing it, and then chicken out halfway through the pregnancy because then you'll wind up with Chris.

[Chris is working as an usher]
Neil Goldman: Hello.
Chris Griffin: Hi. Name, please.
Neil Goldman: Neil Goldman.
Chris Griffin: [checks his list] Goldman, Goldman. Sorry, no Neil Goldman.
Neil Goldman: Oh, I beg your pardon. I meant to say Chris Griffin.
Chris Griffin: [checks his list] Griffin, Griffin. Oh, here it is. Says you're supposed to be an usher. [hands his list and pen to Neil] Well, you'll need this.
Neil Goldman: Name, please.
Chris Griffin: Chris Griffin.
Neil Goldman: [checks his list] Griffin, Griffin, hmm. I'm sorry, sir, Chris Griffin has already checked in.
Chris Griffin: Well, that's impossible!

[Brian and Stewie are at the old house]
Brian: This is disgusting! It smells, it's falling apart, and you can hear the mice humping in the walls.
[we can hear the sound of Mickey Mouse having sex]
Mickey: Oh, that was so awesome!

Lois: Wow, Peter, I got to say. You've really been true to your word about treating Meg better.
Peter: She's my only daughter, Lois. She needs to be protected, like a rare gemstone or the herniated scrotum of an older gentleman.

Peter: So, you are here to take out my daughter. What are your intentions?
Michael: I just think Meg is really cool, and I want to get to know her better.
Peter: You know, Michael, my daughter's womb is not a wild fire for you to douse with your adolescent seed.
Michael: I understand.
Peter: Do you, Michael? Do you? We'll see. Let me ask you a question. You ever sit on your arm till it falls asleep and then play with yourself and pretend like somebody else is doing it?
Michael: Honestly... yes.
Peter: Not anymore you don't 'cause you're going out with my daughter.

Meg: I'm pregnant!
Chris: Dad, I swear to God. I didn't know that when I set you up with her.

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