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[Meg walks into the room with a buzz cut]
Meg: I said damn, what a wild couple of days. Anyways, sup with you guys?
Chris: Sorry amigo, not interested.

Lois: I'm gonna go take a shower, so I can blow my nose into my hands.
[Lois crashes into a wall]
Lois: Ow! Dammit! I hate this house.
[Peter walks in as Lois leaves]
Peter: Morning, honey.
Lois: [offscreen] Go to Hell!

Peter: That was worse than an Italian guy, describing someone's sexuality.
[Cutaway to Peter at an Italian dinner]
Italian Guy: Anyway, my brother Louie, he's uh...he's a little off to the side, you know? Uh, foofy. Uh, up to the knuckle. He's uh...he's a backwards mechanic. He like to play in the dirt.
Peter: You mean gay?
Italian Mom: No! [starts crying]
Italian Guy: Ma ma! Come on, Peter! Ma ma, Louie's not gay, he's ... he's creative.

Stewie: Hey what are we gonna do tonight? Ooh, maybe we should watch that movie about Freud where Michael Fassbender repeatedly spanks Keira Knightley to orgasm.
Brian: You saw that movie?
Stewie: I saw that scene.

Stewie: You certainly can't be any worse than the last roommate I had.
[Cutaway to Peter sleeping in Stewie's crib with him]
Stewie: What the?
Peter: Please don't cry, she's already very angry at me.
Lois: [offscreen] Peter, where are you? You will wash your hands after you poop.
Peter: Shh. Shh. I won't.

[Joe is playing Golden Tee and is too short to see the screen]
Joe: How am I doing?
Peter: Good job, Joe. Hole in one. [to the others] He just keeps switching clubs.

[Peter is creating a song]
Peter: Hmm, still a trace of melody. I'll just add some power tools. [adds power tool sound effects] Yeah, yeah, I'd drink vodka and Gatorade to that.

Lois: Peter, since when are you a DJ?
Peter: Since some guy came in the clam and heard my awesome jams and beats.
Chris: Well, he's got the lingo down.
Peter: Thanks, Chris. NOW SCREAM!
Chris: AAAAAAAAAAH!

Stewie: Who's this turd?
Brian: Oh, this is Georgie.
Stewie: Brian, I never said you could have guests.
[Stewie tries to grab Georgie's backpack]
Georgie: HEY, DON'T TOUCH THAT! [quickly grabs his backpack]
Stewie: Okay, red flags flying.

Lois: Brian, there you are. I wanted to tell you, you could come back and sleep in our room?
Brian: What? I can?
Lois: Yeah, turns out it was Peter, who was causing my allergies. He stuffed all our pillows with hay because he thought it looked comfortable in cartoons.

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