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Father: Next up, our fantasy weekend for two at Fenway Park.
Peter: Oh, man. This is it.
Father: And the winner is ... Peter Griffin!
Peter: Holy crap, I won!
Brian: Wow, good for you.
Meg: Congratulations.
Chris: I LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY YOUR NAME OUT LOUD!

Airport Security Guard: Sir, you're not allowed to be on the carousel.
Peter: Well then, maybe you shouldn't have named it such a fun word.

Joe: I've got that murdered jogger's Discman you wanted last week. Still bloody.

Meg: Mom, you're really going to Boston? I didn't even think you liked baseball.
Lois: Oh, I'm not going for baseball. I'm going for shopping, the hotel spa, and two days of away from you life sucking turds.

Meg: Okay, now you heard mom say I'm in charge. So, I just wanna lay a few ground rules.
Stewie: Yep.
Meg: I promise we're gonna have fun, but there will be a schedule.
Stewie: Uh-huh.
Meg: Just to keep everything running smoothly.
Stewie: Sure, gotta have boundaries.
Meg: And I may assign a chore or two.
Stewie: Sounds great, Meg.
Meg: Because, it's actually more fun, when everyone pitches in.
Stewie: Hey, by the way.
[Stewie sprays Meg with a gardening hose]
Meg: AAAAAAAAH!
Stewie: I'm gonna flush your retainer down the toilet.

Lois: Alright Peter, I'm gonna go. You wanna hand me some cash in front of the other men, so you feel powerful?
Peter: Instead, why don't you just take my Minions Discover card?

Stewie: Rupert, what do you think of this fanfiction I wrote? [reads from the fanfiction] Diego pressed Dora against the wall. Her bosom heaving. Her hot Latina breath on his face. For once, Diego was going to do the exploring. [fans himself] Phew, just reading it. Muy caliente.

[Peter's pants fall down]
Coach: It's always the fat one.
Peter: I heard that.
Coach: I said it right to you. You know what? Let's just get Lois up to bat. Where's Lois?
Lois: I'm right here, coach. Guess you don't have a lot of babes out here, except for Babe Ruth. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Baseball Player 1: Babe Ruth!
Baseball Player 2: Hah!
Baseball Player 3: That's funny, cuz she's hot.

[Brian sees Stewie crying]
Brian: Stewie, what the hell's going on?
Stewie: Meg's awful! She gave me a time out and she's making me sit in this chair!
Brian: My God, she put eyeshadow on you too.
Stewie: I might have gotten up from the chair. Brian, Meg's lost her mind. You've gotta talk to her!
Brian: Stewie, Lois put Meg in charge and...honestly, one I knew that...I ate a pot cookie, so um...yeah...so good luck with all that...uh...you got any cool DVDs?
Stewie: Brian, please! I need help!
Brian: Hah! Totally. Hey, where's Chris? I wonder if he'll play Wii Bowling with me?

Brian: The trick, Chris, is thinking of the wand as an extension of your arm.
Chris: Wow, I can't believe I'm pretend bowling with a dog on drugs!

Coach: Come on, Lois. We've got you sitting right next to Pedro Martínez and Ted Williams' severed head.
[Ted Williams' head is in a capsule]
Ted Williams: There's a special place in Hell for whoever's responsible for me ending up like this.

Coach: Who wants to play second?
Peter: I will!
Coach: Lois, why don't you take second?
Peter: How could he not see that? I even held up my arm with my other hand.
Baseball Player: That is the most noticeable way to raise your hand.

Peter: You think I'll be back in time for the game?
Coach: What? You're not playing in the game. It's supposed to be a fun day out here and you go nuts and break your wife's leg!
Peter: It's not my fault. I'm all hopped up on hard baseball card gum. [Peter crunches baseball card gum] Mmmm. It's like eating a Mastercard.

[Lois is walking with crutches, with her leg in a cast]
Lois: You know what I'm getting sick of saying? My husband did this to me, but it's not what you think.

[Meg gets a call from Lois]
Meg: Hello? Oh, hi mom.
Lois: Hi, honey. How you doing? How's Stewie?
Meg: Oh, he's great. Not lost or anything. How's fantasy camp going?
Lois: Uh, your father broke my leg out of jealousy, but that didn't ruin our honeymoon and it's not gonna ruin this. So listen, I want all you guys to drive up to Boston this afternoon, to see your father play in the big game.
Meg: Uh, wow, we'd love to, mom, but we promised Stewie, we'd perform a puppet show for him, later today.
Lois: Oh, you could perform it for all of us, up here in Boston. The game's in two hours. Drive safely.
[Meg hangs up]
Meg: Crap. Now we've gotta find Stewie and write a puppet show.
[The trio goes into the house, discussing the puppet show]
Brian: We could repurpose my one act farce.
Chris: Or we could write something fresh.
Brian: Hey, just because it's already been written, doesn't mean it's not fresh.
Meg: What did I just say? Shut up! We're in trouble! I'm in trouble.
[Stewie enters]
Stewie: Hey, what's this? A dickweed convention?
Chris: Stewie!
Meg: Oh, thank God, you're home!
Brian: Where the hell have you been?
Stewie: As far away from her as possible! I forgot her name, honestly.

[Peter hits a baseball]
Lois: Fair ball! Run, Peter! Run it out!
[Peter starts running and a cutaway shows a man working inside Peter's brain. He gets a call from a man in Peter's muscle]
Brain Guy: Peter's brain.
Muscle Guy: Yeah, uh. This is the muscle department. What the hell is he doing?
Brain Guy: Uh, apparently, he's trying to sprint.
Muscle Guy: Sprint? He got winded, walking to the plate and he's been out in the blazing sun for two days! Has he had any water?
Brain Guy: No, he told his wife, there's juices in the hot dogs.
Muscle Guy: Well, I'm sorry, I've got no choice, but to call for a complete muscle failure.

[Peter passes out on the ground]
Chris: Look! Dad's planking, from like eight years ago!
Stewie: Is there a Neiman Marcus is Boston?
Lois: Peter! Get up! Get up and run!
[Peter struggles to get up]
Brian: Run, Peter!
Chris: Come on, dad!
Meg: We love you!
Stewie: Copley Place. How far is that?

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