Peter's Progress/Quotes

(Madame Claude narrating the story)

Madame Claude: And so Lady Redbush set out to find her beloved and at just the right time too, because Griffin Peterson's wife was a pain in him ass.

King Stewart III: Ugh, I'm so bored. I wish to be entertained. Where's my troupe of actors?

(Royal fanfare)

Servant: Presenting, the cast of How I Met Your Mother

Marshall Eriksen: You told her I told you I kissed her?

Barney Stinson: Dude, you broke the Bro Code!

Ted Mosby: That's not against the Bro Code.

Barney Stinson: Yes it is. Article 15-B. That's the heart of the Bro Code.

Ted Mosby: You're right I guess I did break the Bro Code.

King Stewart III: Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa..whoa...whoa! What is this? Are these jokes?? Do people in other castles think this is funny??

Ted Mosby: Well, yeah we get a pretty sizable chunk of Princes 18 to 34.

King Stewart III: I think I'd like to delete this from my TiVo.

(Archers load arrows and pull back on bowstrings)

Archer #1: Are you sure you want to delete this program?

King Stewart III: Yes.

(Archers shoot cast of How I Met Your Mother)

(King Stewart III is riding in a coach carried by two servants and accompanied by Brian the Jester)

King Stewart III: Hey Coachman, lets drive on the left side of the road and see if that catches on. (Noticing something out the window) Good Lord..who is that??

(Camera cuts to Lady Redbush walking down the street holding hands with Griffin Peterson)

Brian the Jester: That's Lady Redbush and her husband-to-be, Griffin Peterson.

King Stewart III: That piece of ass is marrying that tall glass of poop juice?! Well not if I have anything to say about it! A woman of that caliber should be married to a King!

Brian the Jester: Well what're you gonna do about him?

King Stewart III: I'm the King, Jester! I'm going to have him exiled to the farthest corner of the world! And then she'll be all mine!

(He closes the curtain on his window)

Servant #2: (Regarding King Stewart III) Why is he such a jerk to everybody?

Brian the Jester: Because, he has a very very small penis...I've seen it actually an-and its like, you don't even wanna make fun of it. Y'know its just...medically fascinating.

Servant #2: I kinda wanna see it.

Brian the Jester: Yeah its like that one grape in the bunch, that never got to be a grape.

(The day of Lady Redbush and Griffin Peterson's wedding, at the altar where Lady Redbush and her father, Carter Redbush are standing by)

Lady Redbush: I wonder what's keeping Griffin?

Carter Redbush: Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, sweety. Remember, he's tubby. It takes him a while to move around.

Lady Redbush: I hope he didn't get diarrhea and die.

Carter Redbush: Can I feel those boobs?

Lady Redbush: No! Daddy! What are you, sick?!

Carter Redbush: Hey! Its a different time!

(Later)

Lady Redbush: Maybe he changed his mind! Maybe he's not comin'!

Carter Redbush: Ohh, come on now. There, feel better after I just said that? Gimme one little touch-- (Places his hands on Lady Redbush's breasts)

Lady Redbush: NO! (Smacks his hands away)

Carter Redbush: I HATE THIS!...I...I...I HATE MY LIFE!

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