King Stewart III: Ugh, I'm so bored. I wish to be entertained. Where's my troupe of actors?
Servant: Presenting, the cast of How I Met Your Mother.
Marshall Eriksen: You told her I told you I kissed her?
Barney Stinson: Dude, you broke the Bro Code!
Ted Mosby: That's not against the Bro Code.
Barney Stinson: Yes it is. Article 15-B. That's the heart of the Bro Code.
Ted Mosby: You're right I guess I did break the Bro Code.
King Stewart III: Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa..whoa...whoa! What is this? Are these jokes?? Do people in other castles think this is funny??
Ted Mosby: Well, yeah we get a pretty sizable chunk of Princes 18 to 34.
King Stewart III: I think I'd like to delete this from my TiVo.
[Archers load arrows and pull back on bowstrings]
Archer #1: Are you sure you want to delete this program?
King Stewart III: Yes.
King Stewart III: Hi there. I want to hear some jokes, fool.
Brian the Jester: Well, ya know, I don't really tell jokes. I... I like to tell stories from my life and let the humor flow organically from everyday situations. A-hem. Yeah, my aunt Frieda was a real card. She always had the most wonderful spirit, even when her mind started to go. I remember once, she wrote a letter to my uncle Tom from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she'd misspelled his name T-O-M-M. And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong. You need to take out one of the M's." And she said, "Which one?"
King Stewart III: Ya know, you're gonna be fucking dead in 5 seconds if aunt Frieda doesn't throw a pie at somebody!
[King Stewart III is riding in a coach carried by two servants and accompanied by Brian the Jester]
King Stewart III: Hey Coachman, lets drive on the left side of the road and see if that catches on. [Noticing something out the window] Good Lord..who is that??
[cut to Lady Redbush walking down the street holding hands with Griffin Peterson])
Brian the Jester: That's Lady Redbush and her husband-to-be, Griffin Peterson.
King Stewart III: That piece of ass is marrying that tall glass of poop juice?! Well not if I have anything to say about it! A woman of that caliber should be married to a King!
Brian the Jester: Well what're you gonna do about him?
King Stewart III: I'm the King, Jester! I'm going to have him exiled to the farthest corner of the world! And then she'll be all mine!
[He closes the curtain on his window]
Servant #2: [Regarding King Stewart III] Why is he such a jerk to everybody?
Brian the Jester: Because, he has a very very small penis...I've seen it actually an-and its like, you don't even wanna make fun of it. Y'know its just...medically fascinating.
Servant #2: I kinda wanna see it.
Brian the Jester: Yeah its like that one grape in the bunch, that never got to be a grape.
[at the wedding altar where Lady Redbush and her father, Carter Redbush are standing by]
Lady Redbush: I wonder what's keeping Griffin?
Carter Redbush: Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, sweety. Remember, he's tubby. It takes him a while to move around.
Lady Redbush: I hope he didn't get diarrhea and die.
Carter Redbush: Can I feel those boobs?
Lady Redbush: No! Daddy! What are you, sick?!
Carter Redbush: Hey! Its a different time!
Lady Redbush: Maybe he changed his mind! Maybe he's not comin'!
Carter Redbush: Ohh, come on now. There, feel better after I just said that? Gimme one little touch... [Places his hands on Lady Redbush's breasts]
Lady Redbush: NO! [Smacks his hands away]
Carter Redbush: I HATE THIS!...I...I...I HATE MY LIFE!
Madame Claude: With Griffin Peterson exiled to the New World, and Lady Redbush believing he was dead, King Stewart was now free to marry her.
Minister: The bride and groom have written their own vows.
King Stewart: Our love is like two figs hanging from a fig tree, cradled by Cupid's own hand. You and I are like...
[A promo for "24" appears]
King Stewart: Oh, I'm sorry. Is my wedding interrupting your promotion? We're right in the middle of our show, okay? Right now. You have a time slot - go there. Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one.
[The promo goes away]
King Stewart: Well, at least it wasn't one of those promos where they got the whole cast shoving each other playfully like they're all good pals.
King Stewart: Oh, look, there we go. Oh, look at them jostling each other around. Oh, they give each other a hard time, but they're friends.
Lady Redbush: Is that a real show?
King Stewart: No, it's just... No, somebody's making a joke. Forget it.
[Madame Claude narrating the story]
Madame Claude: And so Lady Redbush sailed off to the New World to find her beloved. And the timing was good because his new wife was a pain in him ass.
Meg: And then I finished scrubbing the kettle, but then I saw that I'd missed a spot and, oh, I was so worried that the whole thing wasn't clean enough, so I went back and started washing it again and sure enough, I'd missed another spot. And there was a clump of cornmeal under the rim from when I made breakfast.
Griffin Peterson: Shut up, Meg! I prithee, shut up!
[Lady Redbush comes in the house]
Lady Redbush: Griffin!
Griffin Peterson: Lady Redbush.
[They embrace each other]
Madame Claude: And so, Griffin Peterson and Lady Redbush were happily reunited. Of course, Griffin had to go through the complex, expensive divorce procedure required by 18th century society.
[Griffin Peterson and Lady Redbush after being reunited]
Lady Redbush: Oh Griffin, this time together has been the happiest of my life!
Griffin Peterson: Me too Lady Redbush. All those months I was without you I never stopped seeing your face in the back of my wife's head.
Lady Redbush: And all those month I was sailing for the New World, I saw your face in every slave's stomach. Tell me we'll be together forever.
Griffin Peterson: We will.
[King Stewart and his soldiers are looking for Griffin Peterson and Lady Redbush]
King Stewart: They've got to be here somewhere. Where's my first lieutenant?
First Lieutenant: Here I am, sir. Yes, sir. Right, indeed. Here, indeed. Yes, I am, sir.
King Stewart: I want you to turn this settlement upside down until you find Lady Redbush and Griffin Peterson. That fat bastard thinks he can steal my bride and get away with it?
First Lieutenant: I wouldn't bet a corn farthing on him escaping. No, I wouldn't. Not a corn farthing would I bet. No, sir.
King Stewart: What's wrong with you?
First Lieutenant: Little wrong in the head, I am, from eating bad sausages. Yes, sir, bad sausages did I eat, indeed, sir. Yes, I did. Some bad sausages, ate I.
King Stewart III: Hi, there, everybody. You know, my aunt Frieda was a real card. She always had the most wonderful spirit, even when her mind started to go.
Brian the Jester: What the fuck?
King Stewart III: I remember once, she wrote a letter to my uncle Tom from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she'd misspelled his name T-O-M-M.
Brian the Jester: This .. this is my bit. These .. these are all my bits.
Audience Member: Ssshh. This is funny.
Brian the Jester: Unbelievable.
King Stewart III: And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong. You need to take out one of the M's." And she said, "Which one?"
Cleveland: Hey, y'all, I want you to meet my cousin from Jamaica, Madam Claude.
Madam Claude: Nice to meet you all.
Peter: You sound like the crab from the Little Mermaid.
Peter: [crying after a worm eats through him as a strawberry] He was my neighbor and he violated me. Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie!
Griffin Peterson: We're gonna build a new settlement. We'll have a happy new life, and we'll have equal rights for all. Except Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, gays, women, Muslims .. Um ... everybody who's not a white man.And I mean "white" white, so no Italians, no Polish. Just people from Ireland, England, and Scotland. But from only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full blooded whites. No, y'know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. Ahhhh ... America.
King Stewart III: So, listen. You and I need to have a conversation about you not bearing me a son.
Lady Redbush: Well, my Lord, we've discussed this. We have to have sex in order for me to bear you a son.
King Stewart III: Oh, I know. I've just been so tired, and I've had so much work, and I think .. I think I wanted to the other day, but I couldn't find you. So, y'know, it's like both of us on our schedules, y'know?
Lady Redbush: Well, why don't we do it tonight?
King Stewart III: Maybe. Tonight might work. Yeah...Oh, no! I got that thing in the morning. Oh .. how 'bout tomorrow at 4:00?
Lady Redbush: You know I'm with my mother tomorrow at 4:00.
King Stewart III: Oh, darn it! I'm going to be so horny tomorrow at 4:00. Y'know, I gotta say, I'm a little mad at you for not bein' more available.
Lady Redbush: We can have sex right now on the table.
King Stewart III: Hey! hey, hey, hey ... hey. We eat here.
[When King Stewart III discovers that Lady Redbush is gone]
King Stewart III: Gone! What do you mean she's gone?
Servant: Sire, Lady Redbush has been gone these 6 months.
King Stewart III: 6 months?
Servant: Yes. Forgive me, Sire, but how could you not be aware of this? Don't you share a bed chamber with her?
King Stewart III: Well, I mean, sometimes we .. we.. we sleep .. we.. we go to different .. er, we go to bed at.. at different times. We've both been so busy ... it's been .. ridiculous! I .. I thought she was takin' a class or something. Oh, man, that sucks! Because I'm so horny. Damn it! Oh, I wanted to do sex to her tonight.
Servant: Well then, I guess we've gotta go get her.
King Stewart III: Yeah .. alright.
[When King Stewart III has Lady Redbush at knifepoint and Griffin Peterson has the First Lieutenant at swordpoint]
King Stewart III: Go ahead and kill him, Griffin. You kill him, and I'll kill her.
Griffin Peterson: Go ahead. You kill her, I'll kill him.
King Stewart III: Go ahead. You kill him, I'll kill her.