Peter: I dunno. D'She have her period or something? Is she getting married?
Lois: No, if she was getting married, we probably would have seen a guy around, right?
Peter: Sound reasoning.
Chris: You guys... its Meg's birthday next week.
Stewie: [falsetto] Hello, it's Mrs. Pennyapple again. Shall I put you down for two, Brendan?
Stewie: [falsetto] Ryan?
Stewie: [falsetto] Mitchell?
Stewie: [falsetto] Goodbye.
Lois: You're asking me?
Peter: Yeah, how old is Meg?
Lois: I don't know
Peter: Well, my god Lois, I thought you were the one keeping track of that.
Lois: Oh, no.. I have no idea. Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday? Should we... Should we just ask her how old she is?
Peter: That, eh... That would be kinda awkward, huh? Maybe we should just cut off her leg and count the rings. [laughs]
Lois: Yeah. Or maybe try carbon dating. [they laugh again]
Peter: I don't know what that is.
Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Quagmire: Eh-he-he. Sooo... which one of you wants to loose your virginity?
Asian Santa: What you want? What you want for Christmas?
Stewie: Um... I was thinking one of those old time-y...
Asian Santa: Too Late! Take too long! SAD CHRISTMAS! [he throws Stewie off his lap and an Asian kid is put on it] What you want?
Asian Kid: Fire Truck!
Asian Santa: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa: Next!
Asian Kid: [As he is thrown off Santa] AHHH!
Lois: How is he, doctor?
Dr. Hartman: Mrs. Griffin, his internal injuries were much too severe. I'd estimate he'll be dead within the hour.
Peter: Dad, I'm sorry that I broke all of your ribs, busted your spleen and punctured your lung. I don't know if you can hear me right now, but I...I hope you know. I love you, dad.
Francis: Peter, come closer, there's something I need to say to you.
Peter: I'm here dad, What is it?
Francis: Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk.
Peter: Oh my God, he's dead. He can't be dead. There's gotta be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery.
[cut to the pet cemetery. where Peter buries Francis, but he becomes a zombie and Peter bashes him with the shovel]
Peter: No, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery.
Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Brian: What the fuck?!
Peter: Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
Brian: Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute... Where'd you get crack?
Peter: From Blacks.
Peter: Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware Store. There's a white guy selling it.
Stewie: Come on discipline me, make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle. My God I really do have problems don't I?
Brian: Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you... OH MY GOD!
[Peter is obviously under the influence]
Peter: Guv'ment came and took my baby!
Bruce: You know, the anus has the second highest density of nerve endings in the body.
Peter: Oh My God! I could have had a V-8!
Peter: I don't know Lois. All I know is somewhere in the great land of Ireland, there's a big fat bastard who looks like me.
Meg: Come back soon, Daddy. I love you
Peter: That'll do, pig, that'll do.
Peter: You know, Ireland has more drunks per capital than people.
Irish man: Aye, It is McSwiggin Village, where the hills are green, the streams are clear, and the sweaters are soo thick, even the boniest fingered nun could poke you in the chest and it wouldn't bother you none.
Mickey McFinnigan: Top of the morning, laddies! Lemme cut 'ya an Irish Rose! [farts] I don't know exactly where the County Cork is... but I know where it should be!
Mickey McFinnigan: You can't be my son. Just ask my sheep, O'Brian.
O'Brian: Whose leg do you have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here?
[Brian and Peter are sitting on a bench in the park]
Brian: Boy, it's amazing, isn't it? You get two fathers, and neither one of them wants anything to do with you.
Peter: There's gotta be some way I can make him see that I'm worthy of being his son. About the only way I can ever impress him is if I was a fat stinkin' drunk.
Francis' Ghost: Peter! You are a fat stinking drunk!
Francis' Ghost: [alongside Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi] You're a fat, stinking drunk!
Obi-Wan Kenobi's Ghost: Yes, from what he told us, that's right on the money.