Peter Griffin: A week!? Aw, jeez. No, no, no, no. Please, God, kill me now. No, no, damn, damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a...
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.
[Flashback to a Courtroom, where a Bailiff stands facing Peter as he takes an oath]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Peter Griffin: I do... you bastard.
Peter Griffin: You gotta help me, Brian. Teach me how to be a gentleman.
Brian Griffin: Well Peter, it's really not that hard. Ah, let's start with polite conversation. For example, "It's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having." Now you try.
Peter Griffin: It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. [Proudly] How's that?
Brian Griffin: [Sarcastically] Oh, perfect. My work is done here. But just for the hell of it, let's try it again.
Stewie Griffin: You, fetch me the Wall Street Journal! You two! Fight to the death!
Chris: If I ever go back to Quahog, it'll be just so that I can poke poor people with a stick!
Meg: Mom, there is no way that I'm sleeping in Chris' room this weekend; it smells like old milk in there!
Chris: Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up!
Peter: Lois, it's time you start living like the piece-of-schmidt you are.
Lois: That's Pewterschmidt.
Peter: Your Aunt Margarite is probably laughing at me right now while she's burning in Hell, may she rest in peace.
Brian: [singing] Money, money. [in a high-pitched tone] Money!
The Grady Girls: Come play with us Stewie. forever and ever and ever.
Lois: Peter, we have to meet with Aunt Margarite's lawyer tomorrow. She left us something in her will.
Peter: Holy crap! Aw, ya sweet ol' broad, I love ya! [grabs Aunt Margarite from her coffin and begins to dance with her until he realizes what he has done and drops her] Oh, my God! She's dead!
Aunt Margarite: [On her video will] Lois, you were always my favorite niece; I just knew you would find a wonderful man who would make all your dreams come true. But I was wrong.
Peter: And now you're dead. Score one for Peter.
Coco: Jonathan and I just returned from sailing our yacht around the world.
Peter: Oh, oh. Funny sailing story. All right, this guy's on his boat, in the middle of the ocean, right, and he sees a little black dog. And let me tell you, this dog's been swimming for days, and he stinks like a dead otter, right?
Lois: Peter, maybe this isn't the place for...
Peter: Hang on, Lois, hang on. So the guy takes the dog into the vet. And the freakin' vet tells him, get this, "It's not a dog. It's a rat." A big, stinkin' Mexican rat. True story.
Meg: Dad, that's just an urban legend.
Peter: Hand to God. I'm telling you, it was a huge freakin' rat. Five times as big as that guy's steak.
Lois: Oh, Peter, that rat gets bigger every time you tell this story.
Stewie: Cut my egg!
Servant: Your eggs are cut, sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Servant: I can't, sir. It's liquid.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it! If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail. And I promise, I won't make it easy for you!
Lois: Oh, Meg, you're gonna love Newport High. It has a beautiful campus.
Meg: Yeah, filled with beautiful people. And I'm gonna bag me a rich one.
Lois: Meg, that's a terrible thing to say. You should marry someone you love. That's what I did.
Meg: Yeah, and he got us kicked out of the yacht club.
Coco: Peter, you're simply enchanting. You must join us tomorrow for a game of baccarat.
Peter: Right, baccarat at you.
Lois: I'm sorry. But I've made my decision. We're moving back to Quahog just as soon as we can get packed.
Meg: Ugh, Quahog, that one-horse town?
[Scene cuts to a horse all by himself]
Horse: Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You shut up. You're the one talking. Well, there's no one else here. Look, everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind!
Peter: [shows pictures of Cherrywood Mansion] Our mansion is historical, all right. Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse! See, there's Lincoln, Grant, Robert E. Lee.
Lord Brandywine: Those are fake!
Peter: Oh, they're real. And, FYI, Lincoln had the jungle fever.
[The Cosby Show on TV]
Dr. Huxtable: So you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street, you see. Chubby Franklin would always make a face like this. [makes funny face]
Theo: Dad, you're not listening. I have a serious problem. I got a girl pregnant. What do I do?
Dr. Huxtable: And when we saw Chubby Franklin make his face, we would all make this face. [Makes another funny face; Audience laughs; Dr. Huxtable's head spins around, making a rubbery sound and then falls off]
Theo: Oh, God! Oh, my God!
Peter: I learned a valuable lesson. It doesn't matter if your family doesn't think I'm good enough for you.
Lois: That's right, because all that's important is that I love you.
Peter: No, because your ancestors were nothing but a bunch of pimps and whores.