[At Little Clam Pre-School where they are performing "Terri Schiavo: The Musical"]
Lois: Oh, I am so excited for Stewie's first play.
Brian: Don't you think it's a little soon for a musical about Terri Schiavo?
Chris: Or too late?
Peter: Shh, it's starting.
[backstage, Stewie is dressed as plug]
Stewie: Oh, my God, here comes Jared.
Pre-schooler: Wow, he's in kindergarten.
Jared: Hey, so you're the plug this year?
Stewie: Hey, Jared. Yeah, I'm the plug.
Jared: Yeah, I was the plug three years in a row.
Stewie: Like I don't know that? Everybody knows that, Jared.
Jared: Well, listen, don't you try to be a Jared plug, all right? You just go out there, you be the best Stewie plug you can.
Stewie: I sure will, Jared.
Jared: Hey, you got any Gummi Bears on you?
Jared: It'd be a lot cooler if you did.
[Jared laughs then leaves]
Stewie: You know, they say don't meet your heroes, but they can eat my ass, because that was awesome!
Pre-schooler: I don't know, don't you think it's kind of weird that he's in kindergarten and he's still hanging around kids our age?
Stewie: Hey, we are very lucky.
[a piano chord plays in the background, cueing Stewie's up next in the play]
Stewie: Oh, here I go.
[Stewie walks on stage to do his big number]
Lois: [gasp] There he is. Quick, Peter, grab the video camera.
Peter: All right, all right.
[Peter grabs the video camera and shoots Stewie. Stewie is about to starting his performance but froze when he looks at the audience and just stares at them]
Meg: What's wrong with Stewie?
Chris: I think he has stage fright.
Brian: [to Peter] I think he has stage fright, Peter.
Chris: That's what I just said, I said that.
[Peter still shooting Stewie with the video camera, through the camera's point-of-view, Stewie still stares at the audience, then starts sobbing, while peeing in his pants]
Peter: [laughs] Look at Stewie. What a baby. [Peter spots someone in the audience] Aw, no way. Hey, Chris, look, is that Richard Dreyfuss?
Richard Dreyfuss: [turning around and sees Peter is filming him] Oh, for crying out loud. [stands up and walks out the audience]
Peter: Hey, Dreyfuss, where you going? Get back here. Dreyfuss, what are you doing here in Quaghog?
Richard: [walking away] My nephew's in the play. God, can't you go anywhere these days without these damn paparazzi? [sighs]
Peter: Where you going?
[Richard Dreyfuss walks into the bathroom]
Peter: Oh, you going to the bathroom? You going to have a close encounter of the turd kind? [laughs] Hey, I think you're going to need a bigger boat. [laughs] These jokes are for you, Peter, when you watch this tape in the future. Hi, future Peter. I'm going to plant a tree for you when I get home. Look outside and you'll see a grown tree.
[cut to Peter in the future who he's old and has gray hair and watches the video in the living room]
Past Peter: [from the tape] I'm going to plant a tree for you when I get home. Look outside and you'll see a grown tree.
[Future Peter looks out and sees a grown tree]
Future Peter: [excitedly and pointing to the tree] Eeeeeee!
Past Peter: Now look at your hand. It's just a nub, 'cause I'm gonna cut off all the fingers.
[Future Peter looks at his right hand and realizes his fingers all gone and it's just a nub]
Future Peter: Oh, yeah, past Peter? Well, two can play that game. [Future Peter pulls out a machete and cuts his right arm off] Take that. [laughs] Uh, wait a minute.
[At night, the family is watching TV in the living room, Peter walks in]
Lois: How was your bowel movement, Peter?
Peter: Eh, I got some, but I didn't get the troublemaker. Wait, what time is it? I got to turn on TMZ.
[Peter changed it to TMZ]
Announcer: Today on TMZ, Rene Russo got a little hot under the collar when we caught up with her outside her home in the hills.
[Paparazzi at a log cabin waiting for Rene Russo to come out]
Cameraman #1: Rene, what was it like working with Douglas Fairbanks?
Cameraman #2: Is it true you were born in 1880?
[Rene Russo, looking like a hillbilly, comes out with a rifle and fires in the air, scaring away the paparazzi]
Rene Russo: This is my rassinfrackin' land, and I don't care what no man from no Tennessee Valley Authority says, consarnit!
Brian: Why are we watching TMZ? I hate this show.
Peter: Keep watching.
Host: So what do you got?
Man: I got Richard Dreyfuss coming out of the bathroom at his nephew's play in Rhode Island.
[They show the video Peter film of Richard Dreyfuss coming out of the bathroom and walks out of the building]
Peter: Richard, hey, Richard. Hey, can I get your autograph?
Richard: [sighs] Fine. Do you have a pen and paper?
Peter: What do I look like, a staples? I don't carry that stuff around.
Richard: Look, I'm sorry, I can't help you.
Peter: Oh, what, you too big and famous to walk over to that corner drugstore and pick up a pen and paper and possibly some other groceries I need and come back and sign several things for me? You're a jerk.
Peter: That was my tape, everybody. I sent that in and they put it on TV, which makes a famous journalist.
Brian: Journalist? You're badgering a celebrity and passing it off as news.
Peter: Yeah, journalist. And I got a hundred bucks for it, which I used to buy this $4,000 video camera. [pulls up the camera] Meet Peter Griffin, video paparazzi. From now on I'm gonna be right where the action is, like my Uncle "The Guy in the White Hat" Griffin.
[Peter goes in the kitchen and secretly films Stewie who is eating breakfast, through the camera's POV. Stewie looks at him and Peter moves away and then looks back at Stewie when isn't looking]
Peter: Stewie, Stewie, how's that oatmeal? Is it true you're having an affair with that oatmeal? What do you say about the rumors that you have a full diaper?
Stewie: I'm just trying to eat here.
Peter: What did you do to your mother's vagina?
Stewie: Leave me alone! [Stewie gets out of his seat and runs into the living room]
Peter: How come your feet are so small? Is it true you can't say "spaghetti"?
[Stewie runs outside into his toy car]
Peter: What about the rumors that you have cooties? Is it true you doubled your weight in the last six months?
[Stewie paddles away, shuddering, and looking at Peter and not paying attention where he's driving and crashes into the mailbox which the toy car flips forward]
Stewie: [screams, under the toy car] Daddy, help me, Daddy!
Peter: I can't get involved 'cause of journalism.
[Peter films Tom Tucker coming out a building, camera POV]
Peter: Tom, Tom Tucker, Tom! The news isn't funny.
Tom: It's not supposed to be funny.
Peter: Tom, who were you having dinner with in there? Was it a guy? Are you gay? Someone said you were gay. It was me. Are the rumors I'm making up true? Ignore me if you're gay.
[Peter films Mayor Adam West walking in the street, camera POV]
Peter: Mayor West, over here. What hot spot are you going to this Friday night?
Adam: Oh, I've got some pretty nifty plans, my camera-wielding friend.
Adam: That's right. Every Friday night, I'm a clearance sale area rug.
[Adam West walks in a store and gets under some rugs]
Adam: [under the rugs] Boy, I hope somebody buys me. I'd look swell in their den.
[a woman walks to the rugs and flips through the rugs, the woman flips to Adam West]
[the woman flips Adam over]
Adam: [disappointed] Aw.
Peter: Rubik the Amazing Cube! Rubik the Amazing Cube! Do you have a drinking problem? Why are your colors messed up?
Rubik: [drunk] Uh, I can fix this. Li...line up at two corners, red to next yellow...aw, fuck it!
[Peter films Ollie Williams walking out a building, camera POV]
Peter: Ollie Williams, why do you look so much like Will Smith? Hey, Will Smith, [Ollie glares at Peter] what was it like to punch that alien in the face? Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing with you and that transvestite hooker? Bernie Mac, how come you died?
[Ollie walks toward Peter, still glaring]
Peter: Oprah, why are you so fat? Don Cheadle...
[at the Griffin's house, Lois walks in her bedroom with the laundry, Peter is in the bathroom]
Lois: You almost done in there, Peter?
Peter: Hang on, Lois...stupid Ollie Williams broke my glasses. I got to put in my contacts.
Lois: By the way, the repair shop called. They said they can't fix your camera.
Peter: [walking out from the bathroom] Well, that's just great, Lois, that's great. And here I was going to use the money to take you to "Can-cun" this winter.
Lois: Cancún, Peter.
Peter: Whoa, whoa, I don't like Ollie any more than you do, but we are a 21st-century family, and I will not have that kind of talk here.
Angela: Griffin, did you call the distributor about the...? [looks at Peter with amazement]
Peter: What, what's the problem? [stammer] Okay, look, I know I was watching TV, but I'll, I'll stay late.
Angela: No, that's not it, Griffin. There's, there's something different about you. You're not wearing glasses.
Peter: Yeah, they got busted; I'm wearing contacts.
Angela: I can see your eyes and, and your eyelashes--they're beautiful.
Peter: Who cares? What gives?
Angela: Griffin, I never noticed you before. [walks behind Peter, looking at his butt] I like what I see.
Peter: Uh, okay.
[Angela grabs a pencil off Peter's deck and drops it in front of Peter]
Angela: Oh, no, I dropped my pencil.
Peter: Oh, I'll get it for you.
[Peter bends over to pick up the pencil, then Angela grabs Peter's butt]
Angela: Yeah, this is gonna work out just fine.
[somebody farts, Peter looks at Angela]
Angela: [chuckling] Excuse me.
[later that night, the family is having dinner. Peter walks in]
Peter: Family, we need to talk. Your father was sexually harassed at work today.
Peter: That's right. Angela grabbed my ass.
Lois: So what? Peter, a woman can't sexually harass a man.
Peter: Why not?
Lois: I don't know, it just doesn't make any sense. I mean, guys like being touched by women. It's not harrassment if you like it.
Peter: But I didn't like it.
Meg: I got sexually harassed at school. My chemistry teacher, Mr. Taylor, rubbed my shoulders for 35 minutes in class the one day I didn't wear a bra.
Lois: See, Peter, that's harassment. An older man, a weak, younger woman. He could have taken advantage of her, forced her to do things to him.
Meg: He did...awful things.
Lois: See? But you, it just can't happen.
Angela: [buzzing Peter to come in her office] Griffin, get in here, and make sure you have on your new uniform.
[Peter enters her office wearing a tanktop and denim shorts]
Peter: Why am I the only one who has to wear denim shorts?
Angela: Because you're the only one who looks this good in them. Damn, Griffin, you fill those out nicely.
Peter: Why is there a dusty gas station and a Diet Pepsi machine in your office?
[the camera moves to dusty gas station and a Diet Pepsi machine]
Angela: 'Cause your car broke down, and you need to wipe a cold soda on your neck to cool off.
Peter: Well, may...maybe I don't need to cool off.
Angela: Maybe you don't need to be employed.
[Peter stalls for a moment then sadly walks to the machine and gets a soda from it]
Angela: It's hot in here, isn't it?
Angela: You need to cool off, don't you?
Peter: [uncomfortably] I need to cool off.
Anglea: You need to wipe your neck with the soda can.
Peter: [uncomfortably] I need to wipe my neck with the soda can.
Angela: Do it!
[Peter rubs his neck with the soda can]
Angela: Now, get out of here, you slut.
Peter: Okay. Can I keep the soda?
Angela: Oh, all right.
[Peter heads into his office and sees a sign that said "Put your hand in this hole, Griffin" above a hole. Peter approaches the hole and slowly put his left hand in the hole]
Peter: Ohhh...Oh, God. I really hope there's a hungry horse back there.
[later that night at the Griffin's house, the phone rings]
Lois: [answering the phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Angela, hang on. [calling out to Peter] Peter, it's your boss.
Peter: I don't want to talk to her. She's gonna harass me.
Lois: Oh, don't be such a baby. [to Angela on the phone] I'm sorry, Angela. Peter can't talk. He's upstairs in the shower touching himself to your picture.
Peter: [snatching the phone from Lois] Gimme that.
Peter: Why are you calling me at home?
Angela: [on the phone] I want to hear you breathe. Breathe into the phone for me, Griffin.
Angela: Shh, shh, shh. Don't talk, just breathe. It turns me on.
[Peter goes into Chris's room where Chris is sleeping and breathing heavily. Peter places the phone near Chris's head and leaves]
Angela: That's it, Griffin. Keep breathing. God, I'm almost there. [moans] Your breathe is filling me up.
Chris: [mumbling while sleeping] I like kangaroos.
Angela: Oh, sure you do. Well, tomorrow, I'm getting you a kangaroo T-shirt.
[at The Drunken Clam, Peter is talking with Quagmire and Joe, while wearing a kangaroo T-shirt with "Hoppy Monday" on it]
Peter: And she wants me to come over to her house tonight to work on a "special project". I know she's gonna make me have sex with her. What the hell am I gonna do?
Quagmire: I don't know, Peter. If you have sex with her, you give her all the power. If you don't have sex with her, you're gay. You can't win.
Peter: I don't want to get fired and have to look for another job. What the hell do I do?
Quagmire: I might be able to help you, Peter.
[later that night outside of Angela's house]
Peter: All right, hurry up, let's get this over with.
Quagmire: All right, unbutton your shirt and your pants.
[Peter unbutton his clothes and Quagmire step into Peter's pant]
Quagmire: That oughta do it. Okay, close up.
[Peter button his clothe up again]
Quagmire: All right, let me get lined up right, so she'll think it's you she's having sex with.
Peter: Wow, that's really clever.
Quagmire: Thanks. And if you don't feel like doing Lois later, I can stick around.
Peter: [laughs] Let's...Let's just see how this goes.
[Peter rings the doorbell and Angela answers the door]
Angela: Hello, Griffin.
Peter: Hello, Angela. You know, Angela, I've been thinking about it, and I want to have sex with you now.
Quagmire: [inside Peter's clothe] Giggity.
Peter: Yeah, but...but I want to just do it through my zipper, all right? I...I...I don't want to have to take off all my clothes, 'cause I'm self-conscious about my Congressman Barney Frank body.
Angela: Well, I suppose I can work with that.
Quagmire: [peeking through Peter's shirt and sees Angela for the first time] Oh, yuck.
Angela: What do you say we go into the bedroom?
[Angela grabs Peter's hand]
Peter: Uh, yeah, sure.
[Anglea leads Peter to hear bedroom]
Quagmire: [from inside Peter's clothes] Aw, she's so ugly. I don't want to get in that. [to Peter] Peter, I'm...I'm not gonna do it. Deal's off. Deal's off.
Peter: No, it isn't!
Quagmire: Yes, it is. I'm gonna spread my legs, and it'll be you doing it, not me.
Peter: You better not.
Quagmire: I am. I'm re-jiggering my position right now.
Peter: Oh, no, you don't!
[Peter tries to stop Quagmire from changing position]
Angela: What the hell is going on here?
[Angela unbutton Peter's shirt revealing Quagmire in his clothe]
Quagmire: Oh. [getting out of Peter's clothes] Hi, Angela, I'm Peter's friend, Glenn Quagmire. Uh, thank you so much for having me in your home. And, um, I would have had sex with you, but Peter neglected to tell me that you are a complete dumpster fire. [chuckles] Some friend, huh? Okay, all right, take it easy. [Quagmire leaves Angela's house]
Angela: I am tired of playing games, Griffin. I mean, let's go. I have waited long enough. I'm having sex with you right now.
Peter :[backing away as Angela approaches him] No! I don't wanna!
Angela: Griffin, you have sex with me, or you're fired.
Peter: Fine! Fire me! I'm through bein' harassed by you!
[Peter leaves Angela's house and Quagmire returns]
Quagmire: You know, this is awful timing, but I...I remembered part of the reason I came over was 'cause my cousin is lookin' for a job at the brewery.
[Angela slams the door on Quagmire and leaves]
Quagmire: I'll...I'll just put his resume under the door.
[at the Drunken Clam]
Peter: [handing his mug to Horace] Gimme another one, Horace.
Horace: [taking the mug] All right, but slow down, Peter. Or else I'm gonna have to get that lady boss of yours to come in here and give you a good shoe to the gift bag. You know, keep you in line.
[all the men in the bar laughs at Peter]
Horace: I'm just kiddin' ya, Peter. You'll find yourself a new job.
TV Announcer: We now return to Robert Mitchum in A Bachhand For Sally.
[A Backhand For Sally]
Robert Mitchum: You're getting on that train with me.
Sally: I can't go with you. I just can't. [Robert threaten to hit her with his backhand, sally gasps] Okay, I'll go. [Robert still hit her] Ow! I said I'd go. Why'd you give me the back of your hand?
Robert: Because I love you.
[They both kiss as blood drips out of Sally's left ear]
Peter: Wow, I thought you had to be in the NBA to hit a girl in the face. But I guess anyone can.
[Robert pushes Sally away]
Robert: [to Peter through the TV] Of course you can hit a girl in the face. They have faces, don't they?
Peter: Are-Are you talkin' to me, Robert Mitchum?
Robert: You bet your ass I am. Look at you, you're pathetic. What kind of man gets fired by a broad?
Peter: A man with a female boss?
Robert: Don't crack wise. Listen, Peter, somewhere along the line, you got turned around. You're a man. And whaddaya think it means to be a man?
Peter: Um, it means not gettin' pushed around.
Peter: It means drinkin' not because I want to, but because I need to.
Peter: It means standing up to fart, not hidin' it in a pillow, or holdin' it in till your stomach goes...[Peter makes a growling sound]
Robert: Now you've got it!
Peter: Gimme my keys, Horace! I'm going to see my boss!
Horace: But, Peter, you're drunk!
Horace: You're right. [handing Peter his keys] This is more important.
[after Peter saves Angela from committing suicide by carbon monoxide]
Peter: Angela! Angela, wake up!
Angela: [regaining consciousness] What the...Griffin?
Peter: Angela, what the hell are you doin' tryin' to kill yourself?
Angela: Oh, why the hell did you pull me out of there? You shoulda just left me alone! That's how I'm gonna end up, anyway.
Peter: What are you talkin' about?
Angela: I'm talking about the fact that I have nothing to live for.
Peter: Sure you do. Someday, a white man's gonna be elected president again.
Angela: Griffin, I haven't been with anyone in ten years. And when you spurned my advances, it was a wake up call. No one's ever gonna love me again.
Peter: Wait a minute. So that's why you been actin' like such a wacky ass around around me?
Angela: It's been so long since I've been with a man, I don't even remember what it feels like.
Peter: I always imagined it felt very painful. You just sorta grit your teeth and let us do what we want.
Angela: I just wish one person was able to find me attractive. That's not too much to ask, is it?
Peter: No...Look, Angela, I came over here to punch you and maybe kick you in the boob. [stands up and turn around] But now I'm all turned around. [doesn't see Angela anymore] Angela? Angela?!
Angela: Right here.
Peter: [turns his head back around] Oh. [turns back around] But now all I want to do is help you out. I'll tell you what, you know that ritzy, upscale place over on Third?
Angela: The Stuffy Fella?
Peter: That's it. You be at the Stuffy Fella tonight around 9:00. I think I know someone who might be perfect for you.
[At the Stuffy Fella, Peter arrives in disguise as Reginald New York Knickerbocker]
Reginald: Mmm, well, hello.
Maitre d: Good evening, sir.
Reginald: I am Reginald New York Knickerbocker, millionaire. [Reginald sniff the air] Are you serving fish this evening?
Maitre d: No, sir.
Reginald: Then I believe my guest has arrived. There she is! [Reginald walks to the table Angela is sitting, to Angela] You must be Angela.
Angela: Hi, are you Peter's friend, Reginald?
Reginald: [taking a sit] Mmm, indeed I am. [Reginald kisses Angela's arm] Mmm, what a beautiful shade of lipstick on those teeth.
Angela: Oh, thank you, but that's just my gums bleed from aggressive gingivitis.
Reginald: Mmm, well, your mouth is too sweet for your teeth to want to stay in.
Angela: [giggling] Oh.
Angela: Well, I...I'm just gonna go to the powder room and freshen up. [Angela leaves]
Peter: [out of his disguise] She's eatin' it up. This is easier than an American finding his brother in China.
[cut to an American man in China surrounded by a group of Chinese people who are shorter than him]
Paul: Ron? Ron, where are you?
Ron: [from a distance] Over here, Paul!
Paul: Oh, good, there you are.
Ron: It's pretty here.
Paul: Yes, it is.
[Angela and Peter, still disguised as Reginald New York Knickerbocker, return to Angela's house]
Reginald: Mmm, what a wonderful dinner.
Angela: Would you like some dessert?
Reginald: Did you bake a pie?
Angela: Well, there is a pie. It's been baking since I met you.
Reginald: Mmm, gross.
Reginald: Nothing? You know, Angela, there's something I need to tell you. My doctor has given me 24 hours to live.
Angela: Oh, my God!
Reginald:: No, no, it's quite all right. Because I vowed to myself that I would spend the last night of my life in the company of the most beautiful woman in the world. And that's just what I have done.
Angela: Oh, Reginald. [Angela moves in to kiss Reginald]
Reginald: No, no, no. This is already a perfect end to a perfect evening. Good night, my dear.
Angela: [grabs Reginald's hand] Reginald...I want you to make love to me.
Reginald: Oh, if only I could, but I must to a Jew to put my affairs in order.
Angela: [sighs] I know what's going on here. You don't want to be with me. You're just like everybody else. So-So go, then. I'm just gonna stay here and kill myself.
Reginald: But you can't just kill your self every time somebody won't sleep with you.
Angela: I won't. Just sleep with me just this once, and it'll give me everything I need. Sleep with me tonight. Save me life.
[Reginald looks at Angela for a moment. Moments later after Reginald and Angela slept together]
Angela: Oh, that was fantastic! It was exactly what I needed.
Reginald: Mmm, well, hopefully there'll be no more talk of suicide.
Angela: Oh, no. I feel better than I've felt in years. I have my confidence again. I'm ready to go back out there and meet someone.
Reginald: [leaving the room] Well, I'm glad to be of service.
Angela: Oh, just one more thing before you go.
Reginald: [stops being leaving the room] What's that, my dear?
Angela: See you at work on Monday, Griffin.
Peter: Huh? Oh, I'm gonna have to have a word with Rite-Aid about this fake mustache.
[at the Drunken Clam]
Peter: [to Quagmire and Joe] Well, I got my job, Angela's happy again, and she's not gonna harass me anymore. Everything worked out perfect.
Quagmire: Not really, Peter.
Joe: Yeah, you cheated on your wife.
Peter: No, I didn't. I used Mort. Oh, my God, I forgot about Mort!
[Peter stands up and opens his shirt which Mort falls out of]