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[On Lois being hired at the grocery store]
Stewie: You know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss.

Lois: Well Peter since you've been having such a tough time, I was thinking. Maybe I should look for a job.
Peter: Lois, I'll be damned if I let my wife be a prostitute.
Lois: What? No, I'll get a regular job.
Peter: [laughing] What, like a lawyer?
Lois: Peter, there are jobs for women between prostitute and lawyer.
Peter: War time nurse?

Manager: Now Mrs. Griffin, where did you go to college?
Lois: Groceries.
Manager: Are you available to work weekends?
Lois: Groceries.
Manager: Very impressive. This next one is a trick question. Groceries?
Lois: I'm hired.

Peter: My hog cannot partake in the slop this evening.

Lois: Oh, Peter, you're up.
Stewie: That's not what I heard.

[Peter is reluctant to see Dr. Hartman about his impotency, stating he is embarrassed]
Lois: This shouldn't embarrass you, the size should embarrass you.

Peter: How's this one?
Salesman: Oh, Bach is very good. I recommend.
Peter: And this one?
Salesman: Oh, Mozart, the boy genius. The best.
Peter: Ok, how about this?
Salesman: Oh, Debussy, I love Debussy! Sometimes all I can think about is Debussy. Oh, look at the pianist! The pianist is so good with Debussy.
Peter: So you like his early work?
Salesman: Oh, yes. When Debussy was young, that's when you want Debussy.
Peter: Ok, I'll take these two.
Salesman: Very good, sir. Just make sure you finish on the Bach. Never finish on Debussy.

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