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Adam West: Pardon me, I just bought a rottweiler and I need a sign to warn people how dangerous it is.
Saleswoman: [reaching for "Beware of Dog" sign] Well, we have exactly what...
Adam West: Ah, yes. Here it is..."One Way". So people will know if they step into my yard, there's only one way out. In a body bag. From dog injuries.

Priest: John, do you take Kelly to be your wife?
John Travolta: I totally do, I mean, yeah. Yes. Absolutely. And, I'm going to do stuff to her, too. Like, touch her?
[Kelly nods]
John Travolta: Yeah, touch her. And, kiss her?
[Kelly nods again]
John Travolta: And touch her penis. [Kelly gives him a look] I mean no, not that, not that.

[After tearing off his face and revealing Hank Hill]
Peter: [laughs] Propane.

Tom: A bit of breaking news, a local family is forced out of their home by ghosts! Who are they gonna call?
Diane: [sighs] Ghostbusters, Tom?
Tom: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

Home Supply Employee: Can I help you?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I hate my neighbor and I want to build something crazy out of spite.
Home Supply Employee: Well, I'll take you to our "one up-man-ship" aisle.

[When the family escapes their house from the poltergeist and gets in the car]
Lois: Wait a minute, where's Meg?
Brian: I don't know.
Stewie: I didn't see her.
Chris: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that.
Lois: Peter, you got to go back and get her!
Peter: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg.
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg.
Lois: I know, but...
Meg: [gets in the car; angrily] YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE?
Peter: Okay, see? It resolved itself.

Herbert: [to the tree about Chris] Hey there, skinny britches. That's my man!

Lois: Peter, are you peeing in that skull?
Peter: No, Lois, I'm getting up and walking all the way to the bathroom and doing it there...[to himself] Pain in the ass.

Stewie: I haven't seen anything suck this much since... I HEART HUCKABEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'S!

Brian: So what was it like on the other side?
Stewie: It was alright. I met Jesus.
Brian: Oh, what's he like?
Stewie: Believe it or not he's Chinese.
Brian: Oh, really.
Stewie: Yeah, and his last name is Hong, Jesus Hong. He said he doesn't know where everyone got Christ.

Brian: You know, we wouldn't be messing around with ghosts if you hadn't desecrated an Indian's remains.
Peter: Probably not a good time to mention I'm using the skull as an athletic cup.

Lois: Stewie! If you can hear me, head for Meg's butt!
Stewie: Have you lost your mind?!

Stewie: [through the TV] Mommy?
Lois: Stewie? Where are you?
Stewie: Look behind you, you stupid cow!

Peter: Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh. [Peter's head appears in Meg's butt] Woops, must've taken a wrong turn somewhere!

Quagmire: As you can see, my family is here and it's game night. We're playing...sex.

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