Meg: Hey dad, check out my abstinence ring. It means, I made a pledge not to have sex.
Peter: That's crazy. You can't give up sex, you've got a responsibility. You see Meg, you're what they call a "practice girl."
Meg: Dad, look at the facts about sex.
Peter: [Reading a booklet Meg gave him] "If you have sex, your penis will fall off, and land in another dimension, populated entirely by dogs, who will eat it." Well that's something I'd like to avoid. Well this changes everything. From now on, I too will be "obstinent."
Meg: Abstinent.
Peter: Absinthe.
Meg: Abstinent.
Peter:You're grounded.

Peter: By the way, where did you get that tattoo on your lower back?
Lois: I don't know, Peter, meth is a hell of a drug.

Lois: [As Grimace] Come on Peter, got any hamburgers I can steal?
Peter: No Lois. Hamburglar steals hamburgers. Grimace is Ronald's retarded friend.

Lois: How do I say this? Vaginal intercourse... is... it''s just tops! It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when you rattle it around just right, oh my God!

Peter: I'm abstinent, Lois. It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. Everyone goes down a notch.

Asian Driver: How much signal I need to cut across eight lane? None? I turn now. Good luck everybody else!

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