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Glenn Quagmire

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Glenn Quagmire
Image:Quagmire.PNG
Quagmire
Full Name: Glenn Quagmire
Voiced by: Seth MacFarlane
Age: 61
Jobs:

Pilot

Quotes:
  • "OH"
  • "Giggity." (possibly the most recognizable and most infamous catchphrase on the show; often followed by repeated "Giggitys" and then a "Goo.")
  • "All Right."
  • "Tuesdays in the 80's I was always in bed by 8:00... and home by 11:00."
  • (As Bill Clinton) "My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did gigoogity that girl. I geschmoigiddied her geflavaty with my googus, and I am sorry."
  • "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'U' and 'I' together."
  • "You must be the parking ticket, cos' you got fine written all over you."
  • "I don't want to get between you, or do I?"
  • "Fat chicks need love too... but they gotta pay!"
  • "What's all the noise, boys?, I was just jerk....ed out of a sound sleep."
  • "I felt guilty too once, but then she woke up halfway through."
  • "Well, hel-Lois! Forgive me for pointing."
  • "Does this look like a Q to you?" (while showing Peter his pubic hair)
  • "Dear diary--Jackpot!"
  • "I've never been with a Spanish chick before... Olé!" (This can also be translated as 'Oh-Lay!' Note that when he said this, Glenn was actually having sex with Tricia Takanawa, who is Japanese.)
  • "Heh, heh, awwwww right"
  • Auctioneer: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire:...Fifty bucks.
  • "Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in a window this time." (after getting his penis stuck in a window)
  • "What the hell is CPR?" (after reviving a woman by performing CPR)
  • "I got a question for you too - why are you still here?" (after a woman in Quagmire's bed had just asked him what he does for a living)
  • Peter: If you could be with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Quagmire: Oh God. Oh my God. I've got all these magazines. Oh God.
  • "Hello, and welcome to another edition of Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus. Norman Mailer's here to read an excerpt from his latest book. And we also have a girl from Omaha hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity giggity. Giggity goo. Stick around."
  • "Here's to the Drunken Clam, where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I!"
  • "Hey Peter, do you have a card for if you transfered V.D. to somebody.
Peter: Uhh let's see here...uhh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Quagmire: Huh, that's all you have is accidental huh? All right I'll take it.
  • Quagmire: Oh, Lois, I'd do everything to you.
Lois: What?
Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.
  • Peter:Hey, guys! Check it out. Quagmire's trying to get lucky.
Quagmire: Hey, gorgeous! You want to come home with me?
Lady: I'm with my husband.
Quagmire: Lose the zero, get with the hero!
(Husband punches Quagmire.)
Quagmire: Little violent for you, don't you think?
(Husband punches Quagmire again.)
Quagmire: I'll be right over there.
  • Chris: I don't think I like feet as much as you do.
Quagmire: Everybody likes feet.
  • Quagmire: (to a lesbian) "So you chicks ever been penetrated?" --- he gets kicked outside and lands outside of the club
  • (Peter, Joe, Quagmire and Cleveland are checking out the surveillance equipment in the new police van. Peter accidentally turns it up too high and Quagmires thoughts begin to come through their headsets.)
Quagmire (Thinking): Damn this itches. I wonder who gave it to me. Probably that skank who needed a ride to the gas station. Last time I do somebody a favor. (Eyes widen) Oh God, they must have heard me. OH GOD, I can hear me! (Begins frantically humming the Stars and Stripes Forever).
  • Random Woman: But you said we were going to get married!
Quagmire: Heh, I only said that so you would Gigoogity my Gishmoigen!
  • Brian (sniffing his crotch) "You just got back from Manila, you had Lumpia for dinner, then you had sex with two Fillipino women...(sniffs again)...and a man."
Quagmire: " Heh...you mean THREE Fillipino women..." followed by an awkward pause, "Ehhhhhhh!!!"
  • Peter: [sees Quagmire leaving a prison cell] "Quagmire, what are you doing here?"
Quagmire: Oh, it's conjugal visit day. You know I love doing a woman in the can. Oh! Giggity giggity giggity goo!
Announcer: Who else but Quagmire?
Singers: He's Quagmire, Quagmire
You never really know what he's gonna do next
He's Quagmire, Quagmire
Quagmire: Giggity giggity giggity giggity, let's have sex!
  • Quagmire: (Upon waking up to the sight of a giraffe with its head stuck into Quagmire's bedroom window.) "Hey, hey, wait a minute, wait, WHOA! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night!"
  • (Quagmire is in bed with some chick and a missile goes through his roof)
Quagmire: To answer your question something like that.
  • Quagmire: hey there, sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16
Quagmire: 18? You're first
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is going. Giggity, giggity, gi-ggi-ty!
  • Peter: Wait a second, you were born in 1948?!(after Quagmire hands him his license)

Quagmire:Uh,yes
Peter: You're 61 years old?!
Quagmire: Uh,yes,sir.
Cleveland: Whats your secret?
Quagmire: Uh, carrots... sometimes I grind them up into juice or just eat 'em raw... Or insert then anally. 'Long as I get 'em inside my body somehow.

  • (about why he hates Brian) Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much—he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. (sighs) Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak!
Episodes:

FG101 "Death Has a Shadow"

FG102 "I Never Met the Dead Man"

FG104 "Mind Over Murder"

FG203 "Da Boom"

FG204 "Brian in Love"

FG205 "Love Thy Trophy"

FG206 "Death is a Bitch"

FG207 "The King is Dead"

FG208 "I am Peter, Hear Me Roar"

FG210 "Running Mates"

FG211 "A Picture is Worth 1,000 Bucks"

FG218 "E. Peterbus Unum"

FG221 "Fore Father"

FG301 "The Thin White Line"

FG302 "Brian Does Hollywood"

FG304 "One if by Clam, Two if by Sea"

FG305 "And the Wiener is..."

FG306 "Death Lives"

FG307 "Lethal Weapons"

FG310 "A Fish out of Water"

FG311 "Emission Impossible"

FG312 "To Love and Die in Dixie"

FG316 "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas"

FG319 "Stuck Together, Torn Apart"

FG321 "Family Guy Viewer Mail #1"

FG322 "When You Wish upon a Weinstein"

FG402 "Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High"

FG403 "Blind Ambition"

FG404 "Don't Make Me Over"

FG405 "The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire"

FG406 "Petarded"

FG407 "Brian the Bachelor"

FG408 "8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter"

FG409 "Breaking Out is Hard to Do"

FG410 "Model Misbehavior"

FG411 "Peter's Got Woods"

FG412 "The Perfect Castaway"

FG413 "Jungle Love"

FG414 "PTV"

FG415 "Brian Goes Back to College"

FG416 "The Courtship of Stewie's Father"

FG417 "The Fat Guy Strangler"

FG418 "The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz"

FG419 "Brian Sings and Swings"

FG420 "Patriot Games"

FG421 "I Take Thee Quagmire"

FG422 "Sibling Rivalry"

FG423 "Deep Throats"

FG424 "Peterotica"

FG425 "You May Now Kiss the...uh...Guy Who Receives"

FG426 "Petergeist"

FG430 "Stu & Stewie's Excellent Adventure"

FG501 "Stewie Loves Lois"

FG502 "Mother Tucker"

FG503 "Hell Comes to Quahog"

FG505 "Whistle While Your Wife Works"

FG506 "Prick Up Your Ears"

FG507 "Chick Cancer"

FG508 "Barely Legal"

FG509 "Road to Rupert"

FG510 "Peter's Two Dads"

FG511 "The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou"

FG512 "Airport '07"

FG513 "Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey"

FG514 "No Meals on Wheels"

FG515 "Boys Do Cry"

FG516 "No Chris Left Behind"

FG517 "It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One"

FG518 "Meet the Quagmires"

FG601 "Blue Harvest"

FG603 "Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air"

FG604 "Stewie Kills Lois"

FG605 "Lois Kills Stewie"

FG606 "Padre De Familia"

FG612 "Long John Peter"

FG701 "Love Blactually"

FG703 "Road to Germany"

FG704 "Baby Not On Board"

FG705 "The Man With Two Brians"

FG706 "Tales of a Third Grade Nothing"

FG707 "Ocean's Three and a Half"

FG708 "Family Gay"

FG709 "The Juice Is Loose"

FG710 "FOX-y Lady"

FG711 "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven"

FG712 "420"

FG713 "Stew-Roids"

FG714 "We Love You Conrad"

FG715 "Three Kings"

FG716 "Peter's Progress"

FG801 "Road to the Multiverse"

FG802 "Family Goy"

FG803 "Spies Reminiscent of Us"

FG805 "Hannah Banana"

FG806 "Quagmire's Baby"

FG807 "Jerome Is the New Black"

FG808 "Dog Gone"

Contents

[edit] Story

Girl: Wow, that was great!

Quagmire: Yeah, it was! See ya.

Girl: But you said we'd get married!

Quagmire: Nah, I only said that so that you'd ga-googity my gaschmorgen. (a la Woody Woodpecker) Hahaha HA ha! Hahaha HA ha!

Glenn Quagmire is the sex-crazed pervert neighbor of the Griffins. Quagmire is a former ensign of the U.S. Navy, where he met Peter (although in Meet the Quagmires, they are both listed as the same age and attend the country club dance.). He currently works as an airline pilot. Years ago, Quagmire had Cheryl Tiegs as a girlfriend who he loved. Unfortunately, he lost her, and has tried to fill the hole she left by having sex with women. Quagmire is 5 feet, 8 inches tall, currently resides at 29 Spooner Street, Quahog, Rhode Island, and according to a recent episode "FOX-y Lady", he is 61 years old (he makes himself look younger by consuming carrots). He is lefthanded, since his left arm got very musculair after masturbating after he discovered internet porn in the episode "Family Goy"

He has pictures of Lois in his house, including on the inside of his closet door. He was once arrested for peeping on Lois in the girls' bathroom. He once said that if he could be with any woman in the world, he would choose Taylor Hanson, not realizing that Taylor Hanson is actually a guy. During a stint on The Bachelorette, Quagmire brought Brooke to his mother's, where he wanted a three-way with them. This hint at an incestous relationship with his mother could answer several questions about Quagmire's sexual obsessions (though raising many more). Quagmire is often seen saying 'all right' while rocking his head back and forwards in an amusing way. He was also briefly married to a maniac named Joan. She died after clutching onto Death's arm. Quagmire is currently a widower, although this is no problem for him, as he can now get it on with more girls, without having to worry about cheating. It is also shown that Quagmire also engages in necrophilia; this is shown in such situations as when Death killed Joan in "I Take Thee Quagmire", he asked if he could leave the body with him for 5 minutes, and he is shown jumping out of a coffin half-naked in a DVD-only scene in "Airport '07."



Quagmire and Loretta.

He has a foot fetish. According to the Las Vegas CD, Quagmire has had sex with at least 600 women. He also occasionally visits the local prison so he can have sex with the female prisoners. Aside from Stewie, Quagmire seems to be the fans second favorite character. Quagmire also seems to have an affinity with rape because in Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?, when Stewie pretends to be a cheerleader he encounters a gagged cheerleader in the male toilets and appears ready to have sex with her.

He has a sister who gets beaten by her boyfriend and a deaf brother. He also has a son in Madrid, Spain ("Peter's Got Woods") despite claiming never to have had sex with a Spanish woman (however, it is possible he does not know the difference since he was with Tricia Takanawa when he made the claim) who greatly resembles Quagmire, but with a snappy mustache and a ponytail; he also seems to have several illegitimate children in Quahog, some of whom go to Martin Mull Elementary school ("Tales of a Third Grade Nothing"). In "Emission Impossible", when Peter and Lois asked Quagmire to watch their kids, he agreed, but began to say, "In accordance with Megan's Law, I'm required to inform you that..." before cutting himself off and accepting the children anyway. This suggests that Quagmire is a registered sex offender.

In the episode "Baby Not On Board", Quagmire gets an erection from watching the DirecTV help video. When Cleveland asks if there is anything that does not turn Quagmire on, we find out that the answer is "people who say the word 'rubbish' when they mean 'garbage'."

Quagmire also has his own theme song, as seen in "Breaking Out is Hard to Do" and "Airport '07", although the theme song is only shown on the DVD version of the latter episode. It usually starts off with an announcer saying "Who else but Quagmire?", and then it goes into an opening sequence featuring his face against a background of changing colors, while studio singers sing the theme song, with Quagmire singing the last line;

He's Quagmire, Quagmire
You never really know what he's gonna do next
He's Quagmire, Quagmire
Giggity giggity giggity giggity, let's have sex!

The sequence then cuts to a setting that is supposed to be entirely serious. So far, a fancy dinner party and a funeral for a young woman who died a virgin have been shown. Quagmire will then perform an outrageous act, much to the surprise of the bystanders. During the dinner party sequence, where he was dressed as a waiter, he stripped down to his underwear and danced upon the table. During the funeral, he popped out of the coffin in his underwear and danced offscreen, implying that he had sex with the corpse.

The presumed "closing credits" sequence is almost identical to the opening sequence, except the theme song is performed thusly;

He's Quagmire, Quagmire
Giggity giggity goo!

Quagmire has been shown to be extremely affectionate with animals, specifically a cat he named James in "420." Quagmire came across as obsessive about his new pet, making his friends sign a birthday card for his cat. Tragically, when Quagmire went to Vermont to buy a present for James, Peter, Cleveland, and Joe, go over to Quagmire's to shave James as a prank, which backfired when Peter accidentally stabs James. Peter reveals this when Quagmire offers an award for knowing where James is simply to take the award.

Although Glenn gets along very well with most people, its revealed in "Jerome Is the New Black" that he greatly dislikes Brian Griffin due to Brian's at times, hyper-liberal agenda yet never doing anything to help, the fact he claims to want a true deep and spirital love, but ends up going for hot idiots, the fact he has been neglecting his son Dylan, the fact that he criticizes others' beliefs while being an atheist, the fact that that he believes himself a great writer despite being terrible, the fact that he acts pretentious despite failing college twice. Ironically, one of the biggest issues that Glenn has with Brian, is Brian's romantic feelings towards Lois, which Glenn himself has towards Peter's wife.

[edit] Relatives

[edit] Romantic Connections

  • Tricia Takanawa (ex-lover)
  • Asian Women (ex-lovers)
  • Some Guy (ex-lover(accidentally was in oral with other asian women))
  • Giraffe (ex-lover)
  • Loretta Brown (ex-lover)
  • Spanish Woman (ex-lover(proven because it is shown that she has a spanish version of Quagmire, his son))
  • Lois Griffin (romantic interest)
  • Japanese Woman (ex-lover)
  • Jessica Biel (former romantic interest, possibly ex-lover)
  • Other Women (all ex-lovers or former romantic interests)
  • Taylor Hanson (former romantic interest(mistook him for a woman))
  • Fillipino Man (ex-lover(mistook him as a woman))
  • 2 Fillipino Women (ex-lovers)

[edit] Other Connections

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