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Quagmire's Dad/Quotes

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Chris: Dad, can you help me with my French homework?
Peter: Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish?
Chris: Poisson.
Peter: Good. Dog?
Chris: Chien.
Peter: Seal?
Chris: Phoque.
Lois: Chris, watch your language!
Chris: No, that's how you say "seal" in French, "phoque".
Peter: He's right, Lois, look. [shows picture of seal and French term below] And here, I'll help you remember. What's this?
Chris: A lazy phoque.
Peter: Good. [turns page]
Chris: Dumb phoque.
Peter: Good. [turns page]
Chris: Sick phoque.
Peter: Good. [turns page]
Chris: Sick, twisted phoque.
Peter: Good. [turns page]
Chris: Cluster phoque. [Peter turns page, grabs, rips part of newspaper and sticks on book showing Ann Coulter] Ugly phoque and bitch.
Peter: Good job, Chris, I think you're ready. And remember, you can use that word as much as you want, even home in front of your parents because it's French, and French is classy.

[Joe and Peter discussing Dan Quagmire's possible homosexuality]
[censored airing]
[Joe pulls out his cellphone]
Joe: [text] How gay is this guy?
[Peter responds]
Peter: [text] So ducking gay.
Peter: Oh, sorry. That's my auto spell correct, but yeah he's super gay.
[Uncensored]
[Joe pulls out his cellphone]
Joe: [text] How gay is this guy?
[Peter pulls out a sketch pad and draws a gay seal, then shows it to Joe]
Joe: Big gay phoque.
Peter: Big gay phoque, yeah.

[Griffin living room, where Stewie is on the couch talking on the phone to Brian, who is in a seminar in New Haven]
Stewie: Brian, it's so boring here, when are you coming back?
Brian: [on the phone] I'll be back soon, Stewie. Y'know I gotta tell ya though... this seminar's great, I'm really learning a lot. I'll tell ya all about it when I get home, okay? I'll talk to ya later.
Stewie: A... wait...wait! Hang on, Brian there was, um, something else I wanted to tell you.
Brian: [on the phone] What?
Stewie: Um...[Attempting to prolong the conversation] the mail, came a little later then usual today.
Brian: [on the phone] Yeah... Stewie I gotta go.
Stewie: A... wait...wait... hang on... Hang on! Did I tell you about...[Points to something off-screen] that...over there?
Brian: [on the phone] Stewie I can't physically see what you're pointing at- I'm getting off now. Bye. [hangs up. Stewie puts down the phone]
Stewie: Well, your loss, Brian. That "thing over there" is pretty interesting. [Camera zooms out to reveal a four-eyed alien in a grass skirt, juggling flaming torches next to him. Stewie turns to the camera] Ahh? An alien in a grass skirt juggling torches. Yeah. [Pauses, then turns to the alien] Alright, you're all done. Go.

[Dr. Hartman commenting on the sex change surgery]
Dr Hartman: Wow... that thing was on there.

Quagmire: Dad... Are you gay?
Dan: What?
Quagmire: Are you gay, dad?
Dan: No, Glenn. Of course not.
Quagmire: Just tell me the truth!
Dan: I am telling you the truth. Now, calm down; you're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls.
Quagmire: Okay, that's not helping.
Dan: Glenn, you have my word. I'm not gay.
Quagmire: You promise?
Dan: I promise.
Quagmire: Alright... I believe you.
Dan: But I am a woman trapped in a man's body, and while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation.
Quagmire: [stunned] Oh, come on, just be gay.

Peter: Ida, do you miss your penis?
Lois: Peter!
Chris: Thank you...for asking it.

Meg: I like the outfit you have on.
Ida: Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure?
Meg: Wow. You just burned your last friend in this room, lady.

Stewie: Well, I've got a woman story for you that you're not going to believe. Quagmire's father, decorated war hero Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire, is now a woman.
Brian: [shocked] You're kidding!
Stewie: Nope! Total sex change!
Brian: [laughs] That is hysterical!
Stewie: I know, huh?
Brian: Suck on that, Quagmire! [both laugh]
Stewie: It's not settling with the Q-man all too well.
Brian: Oh my God! What does it look like?
Stewie: You know, not half bad. Not that he looks like that, but not bad.
Brian: Oh my God, you know, that is a tough road ahead. I mean what do those people do as far as relationships and sex and stuff?
Stewie: I don't know. I mean it could be a train wreck down there, right? It just-just an absolute casserole of nonsense.
Brian: Hey, is she over there right now? We should go take a look.
Stewie: No, they had a fight. She's staying at the Marriott.
Brian: Aw, damn! I was just there!
Stewie: Really?
Brian: Yeah. Maybe I saw him in the lobby and didn't even know.
Stewie: [laughs] You'd know.
Brian: Oh, man. W-What do we call him now? Do we still call him 'Dan'?
Stewie: No, and I'm not crazy about the name change.
Brian: What is it? Like 'Danielle' or 'Dana'?
Stewie: No, Ida.
[Brian's eyes widen in shock. He starts gagging and he prepares to throw up and he vomits profusely for 30 seconds. Stewie steps back a little. Brian finally stops and takes a breather]
Brian: AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Stewie: What? What the hell? What's wrong with you!?
Brian: I HAD SEX WITH HER!!!
Stewie: What!?
Brian: I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT!!!
Stewie: AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! WHY?!?
Brian: I DON'T KNOW!!! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HER!!!
Stewie: OH MY GOD!!!
Brian: AAAGGHHH!!!!
Stewie: AAAGGGHHH!!!!
Brian: AAAGGGHHH!!!!
Stewie: AAAGGGHHH!!!!
Brian: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!? WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD!!! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!!!
Stewie: HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY MOVE, HE'S JUST VISITING!!!

[Brian shudders after his "accident" in the shower and tensely scrubs his fur coat with a sponge. He turns off the shower and puts a towel around his waist. He steps out and then looks at the mirror. Then he hears a bang]
Quagmire: [offscreen] Where is he?! Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch?! [Brian quickly runs to master bedroom. He gets under the bed until...] Get out of there, you dirty little bastard, you're dead! [drags him out then punches and kicks Brian repeatedly through the house] If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! [Quagmire exits]
Brian: Hey. [Quagmire looks back] I fucked your dad.

Ida: Hey Lois, I made a crumble.
Lois: Oh... how thoughtful. [turns to Meg] Throw it away in the outside garbage.

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