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Quagmire's Mom/Quotes

< Quagmire's Mom

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Stewie: [whispering to Brian] Dairy Queen closes in ten minutes.

Judge: I have no choice but to sentence you to twenty years in prison!
[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]
Female Voice: Oh no you don't!
[Everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly woman at the door]
Quagmire: Mom?
All the men in the courtroom: Crystal?

[After everyone notices Crystal enter the courtroom]
Adam West: Ha! She's enjoyed many men!

[On Quagmire's jail sentence for statutory rape]
Peter: Don't think of it as twenty years, think of it as two ten-year-olds ya sick freak.

Quagmire: Why are you, of all people, defending a religious nut? Aren't you an Atheist?
Brian: [chuckling] Yeah, it's crazy. You can think about that while you're in jail.

Judge: Now, Mr. Griffin, I understand you're here to speak on Mr. Quagmire's behalf.
Peter: That's right, Your Honor. And as we know, according to Game of Thrones, if the girl has had her blood, she is good to go. Has the girl had her blood? Answer the question!
Judge: Mr. Griffin, she was underage.
Peter: Yes, however, Mr. Quagmire was born on February 29th. Ergo, he's only 12. Ergo, the girl raped him. Argo, Ben Affleck.

Chris: Where is your daughter? Show her to us!

Meg: Mom, I need a check for the school field trip.
Peter: Jeez, Meg, didn't I just take you on a field trip?
[Cutaway]
Peter: Ok, here's the field! Goodbye forever! [Drives off and crashes] Aaahh! Meg, I'm injured! Please help me! I smell gas! [The car explodes] Meg, I'm still alive but I'm badly burned! Come save my life and nurse me back to health! Oh, God, why do bad things happen to good people?

[After having sex with Quagmire, Keira reveals she's underage]
Quagmire: You said you were 23!
Keira: Yeah, and you said you love me.
Quagmire: Well, I guess you got me there.

[Quagmire's sentence is commuted]
Peter: Quagmire got away with it and learned nothing. That's great.

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