Chris: Dad, can you help me with my French homework?

Peter: Yeah, sure, why not? What's the word for fish?

Chris: Poisson.

Peter: Good. Dog?

Chris: Chien.

Peter: Seal?

Chris: Phoque.

Lois: Chris, watch your language!

Chris: No, that's how you say "seal" in French, "phoque".

Peter: He's right, Lois, look. [shows picture of seal and French term below] And here, I'll help you remember. What's this?

Chris: A lazy phoque.

Peter: Good. [turns page]

Chris: Dumb phoque.

Peter: Good. [turns page]

Chris: Sick phoque.

Peter: Good. [turns page]

Chris: Sick, twisted phoque.

Peter: Good. [turns page]

Chris: Cluster phoque. (Peter turns page, grabs, rips part of newspaper and sticks on book showing Ann Coulter) Ugly phoque and bitch.

Peter: Good job, Chris, I think you're ready. And remember, you can use that word as much as you want, even home in front of your parents because it's French, and French is classy.

[Joe and Peter discussing Dan Quagmire's possible homosexuality]

[FOX airing]

[Joe pulls out his cellphone]

Joe (text): How gay is this guy?

[Peter responds]

Peter (text): So ducking gay.

Peter (spoken): Oh, sorry. That's my auto spell correct, but yeah he's super gay.

[Uncensored]

[Joe pulls out his cellphone]

Joe (text): How gay is this guy?

[Peter pulls out a sketch pad and draws a gay seal, then shows it to Joe]

Joe (spoken): Big gay phoque.

Peter: Big gay phoque, yeah.

[Griffin living room, where Stewie is on the couch talking on the phone to Brian, who is in a seminar in New Haven]

Stewie: Brian, it's so boring here, when are you coming back?

Brian: [on the phone] I'll be back soon, Stewie. Y'know I gotta tell ya though- this seminar's great, I'm really learning a lot. I'll tell ya all about it when I get home, okay? I'll talk to ya later.

Stewie: A- wait-wait! Hang on, Brian there was, um, something else I wanted to tell you.

Brian: [Off-screen, on the phone] What?

Stewie: Um...[Attempting to prolong the conversation] the mail, came a little later then usual today.

Brian: [Off-screen, on the phone] Yeah- Stewie I gotta go.

Stewie: A- wait-wait- hang on- Hang on! Did I tell you about...[Points to something off-screen] that...over there?

Brian: [on the phone] Stewie I can't physically see what you're pointing at- I'm getting off now. Bye. [hangs up. Stewie puts down the phone]

Stewie: Well, your loss, Brian. That "thing over there" is pretty interesting. [Camera zooms out to reveal a four-eyed alien in a grass skirt, juggling flaming torches next to him. Stewie turns to the camera, amusing to audience] Ahh? An alien in a grass skirt juggling torches. Yeah. [Pauses, then turns to the alien] Alright, you're all done. Go.

[Dr. Hartman commenting on the sex change surgery]

Dr Hartman: Wow... that thing was on there.

Quagmire: Dad... Are you gay?

Dan: What?

Quagmire: Are you gay, dad?

Dan: No, Glenn. Of course not.

Quagmire: Just tell me the truth!

Dan: I am telling you the truth. Now, calm down; you're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls.

Quagmire: Okay, that's not helping.

Dan: Glenn, you have my word. I'm not gay.

Quagmire: You promise?

Dan: I promise.

Quagmire: Alright... I believe you.

Dan: But I am a woman trapped in a man's body, and while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation.

Quagmire: [stunned] Oh, come on, just be gay.

Peter: Ida, do you miss your penis?

Lois: Peter!

Chris: Thank you...for asking it.

Meg [to Ida]: I like the outfit you have on.

Ida: Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure?

Meg: Wow. You just burned your last friend in this room, lady.

Stewie: Well, I've got a woman story for you that you're not going to believe. Quagmire's father, decorated war hero Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire, is now a woman.

Brian: [shocked] You're kidding!

Stewie: Nope! Total sex change!

Brian: [laughs] That is hysterical!

Stewie: I know, huh?

Brian: Suck on that, Quagmire! [both laugh]

Stewie: It's not settling with the Q-man all too well.

Brian: Oh my God! What does it look like?

Stewie: You know, not half bad. Not that he looks like that, but not bad.

Brian: Oh my God, you know, that is a tough road ahead. I mean what do those people do as far as relationships and sex and stuff?

Stewie: I don't know. I mean it could be a train wreck down there, right? It just-just an absolute casserole of nonsense.

Brian: Hey, is she over there right now? We should go take a look.

Stewie: No, they had a fight. She's staying at the Marriott.

Brian: Aw, damn! I was just there!

Stewie: Really?

Brian: Yeah. Maybe I saw him in the lobby and didn't even know.

Stewie: [laughs] You'd know.

Brian: Oh, man. W-What do we call him now? Do we still call him 'Dan'?

Stewie: No, and I'm not crazy about the name change.

Brian: What is it? Like 'Danielle' or 'Dana'?

Stewie: No, Ida.

[Brian's eyes widen in shock. He starts gagging and he prepares to throw up and he vomits profusely for 30 seconds. Stewie steps back a little. Brian finally stops and takes a breather]

Brian: AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Stewie: What? What the hell? What's wrong with you!?

Brian: I HAD SEX WITH HER!!!

Stewie: What!?

Brian: I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT!!!

Stewie: AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! WHY?!?

Brian: I DON'T KNOW!!! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HER!!!

Stewie: OH MY GOD!!!

Brian: AAAGGHHH!!!!

Stewie: AAAGGGHHH!!!!

Brian: AAAGGGHHH!!!!

Stewie: AAAGGGHHH!!!!

Brian: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!? WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD!!! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!!!

Stewie: HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY MOVE, HE'S JUST VISITING!!!

[Brian shudders after his "accident" in the shower and tensely scrubs his fur coat with a sponge. He turns off the shower and puts a towel around his waist. He steps out and then looks at the mirror. Then he hears a bang]

Quagmire: [offscreen] Where is he?! Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch?! [Brian quickly runs to master bedroom. He gets under the bed until...] Get out of there, you dirty little bastard, you're dead! [drags him out then punches and kicks Brian's face and throws onto the corridor. A kick of Quagmire spills Brain's blood three drops. Keeps punching when both fall downstairs. Brain runs to the kitchen, struggling to escape through the dog door before Quagmire pulls him in and punches him again and grabs telephone, beats him severely and one long punch launches Brian through the door. Quagmire punches him four times with a warning] If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! [lands four punches] Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! [leaves; Brian looks on. Quagmire exits unchanged, then Brian...]

Brian: Hey. [Quagmire looks back] I fucked your dad.

Ida: Hey Lois, I made a crumble.

Lois: Oh... how thoughtful. [turns to Meg] Throw it away in the outside garbage

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