Quagmire: Well, Peter, a little birdie told me that today is Meg's birthday. [a hummingbird appears]
Hummingbird: You give me credit?
Quagmire: Yeah, I just told him.
Hummingbird: [to Peter] I'm the one who told him.
Quagmire: So, where is the birthday girl?
Meg: Oh, hi, Mr. Quagmire.
Quagmire: Oh, please. My father is Mr. Quagmi... Oh no, he's not, okay, well, that's... well, he used to be Mr. Quagmire, now he's...now he's just Ida Davis.
Meg: [holds a candle] Wow, thank you, Mr. Quagmire.
Quagmire: Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg. That's a very important milestone in a young girl's...I mean, a young woman's life. Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? And you know what? You got another member right next door if you ever wanna talk and stuff. Happy birthday. [pats Meg's left leg. His little finger wiggles] Hey...hey, where's that pinkie goin', huh? Where's he goin'? What...what's he doin'? Get back here. There you go. [Meg smiles then looks at Quagmire]
Peter: Heh-heh! Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal.
Brian: Peter, that skank is your daughter.
Peter: Oh my God, you're right!
Quagmire: Y'know, Meg, I'd love to see without your hat on. [lifts pink beanie. A green hand emerges from her scalp, pulls beanie down] Okay.
Stewie: Don't worry, Dad, I'll take care of him! [punches Quagmire's legs] Stay away from my sis!
Peter: Lois, you outta your mind?! We can't let Quagmire take Meg out on a date, that guy'll bang anything!
[cutaway to kitchen]
Peter: Hey Lois, I'm starvin', what's for dinner?
Lois: I made meatloaf, it's in the fridge. [Peter opens fridge. Quagmire appears in an quarky position]
Quagmire: Hey... Peter, ya mind?
Peter: But I have to get dinner.
Quagmire: [throws handful of banknotes] Go out.
Meg: Sorry. I'm farting while you tickling me.
Quagmire: That's all right, it's just your body. Sometimes things slip out.
Lois: We're never gonna get up there. I wonder what's causin' all this traffic.
Peter: [looks out the car window] Oh boy, there's the problem...not drawn yet. [cut to an image of a partially colored, partially penciled road. Peter yells at the lazy animators] Come on, guys, really? Let's go! What the hell's goin' on up there?!
Quagmire: Okay, what compound is this?
Meg: That's sodium chloride.
Quagmire: That's right. How about this one?
Meg: Hydrogen peroxide.
Quagmire: God, you're so smart! How 'bout this one?
Meg: QM2? I'm not sure what that is.
Quagmire: It's Quagmegium. It's the strongest compound on Earth; nothing can separate it. It has an atomic weight of awesome.
Meg: You're such a cutie petuti.
Quagmire: If I'm a cutie petuti, then you're a penie vagini.
Meg: Aww! [Peter kicks Meg's door with a hose]
Peter: I heard a cute "aww" in there, cool down!
Peter: Meg, get in the car! We're going home!
Meg: I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore!
Peter: Meg, I'm only gonna say this once. You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners! So I don't care how old you are, you're gonna do what I say, and get in the damn car!
Meg: Yes, Daddy. [Walks away, sadly, Peter fallows, Lois walks up to Quagmire]
Lois: If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian.
Lois: And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month, do you understand me?!
Quagmire: Yes ma'am.
Lois: Peter I got us the cabin!!
Lois: [Back to Quagmire] I don't want to see your face knocking on our door for at least a month!
Quagmire: Would you sign the guestbook on your way out?
Lois: [sigh angrily and writes] Lois Griffin. Peter Griffin. We heard a loon.