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Ratings Guy/Quotes

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Lois: Oh Stewie, how exciting, your first visit to a real fire station.

Stewie: My name's Peter, and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and talk to my coworker's a...these pants have stool in them.

Peter: Hey Chris, you think it's safe to drink from a fire hose?
Chris: Why not Dad? It's just water.
Peter: Alright turn it on, I'm very thirsty.
[Chris turns the hose full to Peter's face, which after stops there's nothing but his skull]
Peter: Nice job, Chris, you got my shirt wet.

Peter: All right everyone. Time to do our Nielsen duty. So what are we going to watch?
Chris: Boobs!
Meg: Project Runway!
Lois: The Good Wife!
Stewie: That black version of our show.

[An angry mob confronts the Griffins accusing them of ruining television]
Lois: My God, Peter, they're really angry. Say something.
Peter: Wait a minute. What the hell are you guys talking about? What do you mean I ruined television?
Quagmire: You put a real cougar on Cougar Town! And now that cougar's dead because Courtney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws!
Seamus: You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720! He's turning around too much!
Carter: You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system! Now it feels like they're not losing enough!
Peter: Ah, the hell with you guys! You're just jealous 'cause I get to say what's on TV now! I am a Nielsen god!
[Horace throws a bottle at Peter knocking him down and the mob cheers as Bruce tries to throw a bottle as well but not as far]
Bruce: Sorry, y'all. That's the first time I ever throwed anything.

Peter: Hey, how you guys doing?
Joe: Not So Good, Peter.
Quagmire: Yeah, me neither. Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland. You know how I know that phrase? I read it in a BOOK, you MONSTER!!
Peter: Come On, I'll make it up to you; let me buy you a beer.
Joe: NO! That seat's TAKEN. Move along, Peter.
Peter: W...w...What are you talking about? You guys are my pals!
Quagmire: we USED to be, Peter. Now SCRAM.
Peter: Fine, I'll sit at the bar.
Horace: Not at MY bar you won't. GET OUT OF HERE.

[On a radio, Peter does an NPR show in a soft voice]
Peter: This is Peter Griffin, and you're listening to Book Talk on WRNI. Today, we will be discussing Brett Easton Ellis' popular book Less than Zero. A tale of privilege, detachment, and youthful alienation. [Takes a sip of tea] But first, a word from our sponsor, Weston's Golden Soda Biscuits. I'm enjoying one right now. [crunches on cracker loudly, and slurps tea.] That concludes today's session of Book Talk. Tune in tomorrow, where we will be looking at John Kennedy Toole's unheralded early work The Neon Bible.

[Peter sits on the couch depressed when Brian walks in]
Brian: Hey, what's wrong, Peter?
Peter: I miss my friends, Brian. I mean, I was having fun with those Nielsen boxes, but what's the point if I don't got Joe and Quagmire to enjoy it with me? I guess I shouldn't have messed with television.
Brian: Well, it's not exactly your fault. The networks never should have listened to you in the first place. This is exactly what makes bad television: pandering to the lowest common denominator.
Peter: So what do I do, Brian?
Brian: Well, you still have these boxes. That means you still have the power to influence television. Maybe you can use that power to help restore TV to the way it was.
Peter: You're right, Brian. Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows, that'll help get things back to the way they were. We can use these boxes for good and...
[Suddenly, three bullets destroy the Nielsen boxes]
Peter: What the hell?!
[cut to Mayor West with a shotgun]
Mayor West: That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill!
Brian: Oh, my God, he destroyed every last box!
Peter: Holy crap!
Brian: We're sunk now, Peter. There goes your one chance to get TV back to the way it was.
Peter: Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian.
[A lightbulb appears over Peter's head]
Peter: I think I just got an idea.
[Peter gets up and breaks the lightbulb]
Peter: Aah! I got glass in my face! Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was.
[Peter sits back down and another lightbulb appears over his head]
Peter: I got it!
[Peter gets up again and breaks the second lightbulb]
Peter: Aah! Son of a bitch!

[The Television Producers Guild]
Man #1: You know who I hate? The troops.
Man #2: Yeah, me, too.
[Peter comes in]
Man #2: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you?
Peter: I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it.
[Homer Simpson comes in]
Homer: Guys! I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it!
Peter: Yah-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

[Peter has assembled a group of people at the Television Producers Guild to fix television]
Peter: Gentlemen, I have gathered you all here today because you are the creators of what television used to be before I ruined it. And we need to rebuild television from the ground up, so I'm gonna need all your best ideas. J.J. Abrams, you take wonder and complexity and present it in a way that no one can possibly understand. What do you got?
J.J. Abrams: I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern European town.
Peter: Totally confused. Do it.
[Abrams walks out]
Peter: Okay, now, we're gonna need 15 workplace comedies where people talk to the camera for some reason. [points to four people] You, you, you and you...go.
[Four men get up walk out of the room and we cut to one of them talking to the camera in his office]
Man: When Peter told me to make a workplace comedy where people talk to the camera, I thought...
[Peter walks in]
Peter: Not now! I mean, go do a show! Don't...don't do that thing here.
[the man walks out]
Peter: Huh. Wonder if I can pull off one of those "can you believe what I have to put up with" looks to the camera.
[Peter pulls it off then we cut back to the meeting]
Peter: Okay, Mark Burnett, you did Survivor and The Apprentice. Can you give me a reality show where people do horrible, unforgivable things to each other for embarrassingly small sums of money?
Mark Burnett: I got some ideas. Here's a nickel, pull down your pants.
[Peter pulls down his pants]
Mark Burnett: There's a show.
Peter: Yah-ha! Go!
[Burnett walks out and Peter pulls his pants back up]
Peter: All right, now, who's gonna make a show about horrible New Jersey freaks? You know what? I don't care. Just someone, do it.
[two men get up and walk out of the room]
Peter: Okay, Dick Wolf, make the same Law & Order six times. Oh, and also, could you marry Matt Wiener? 'Cause I want your name to be Dick Wiener.
Dick Wolf: Okay, but can I go by Dick Wolf Wiener?
Peter: Oh, my God, yes! Yes! Yes! Yes. Okay, Bravo people, go find women fighting. No, you know what? Just find women. They'll end up fighting. All right, everyone who's left, make a talent show. [everyone else, except Kelsey Grammer, walks out of the room] We are done. [Peter notices Grammer] Oh. Kelsey Grammer, what are you still doing here? I...I have nothing left for you. I'm...I'm sorry.
Kelsey Grammer: Ah. Then I shall take my ease on the lanai.
Peter: I don't care what you do now.

TV Announcer: We now return to Mike & Molly.
[Mike & Molly are at a restaurant]
Waiter: Have you decided what you'd like to order?
Mike: Yes, the chopped salad? I'll have everything except that.
[the studio audience laughs and the scene returns to Th Drunken Clam]
Peter: [laughs] That waiter's like, "What?!"
Joe: Well, you did it, Peter. You got TV back to normal.
Peter: Yeah, guys, I'm sorry for screwing up all your favorite shows.
Quagmire: Ah, that's okay, Peter.
Peter: So, what do you say? Are we pals again?
Quagmire: Ah, course we are.
Joe: You bet.
Peter: Well, let's drink to having TV back in the hands of people who know what they're doing.
[cut to the now-repaired Nielsen boxes in the house of Herbert who's on the phone]
Herbert: I think Zack and Cody would be funnier if they did the show in their underpants.

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