Peter's Angel: Shame on you! You march right over there and cheer your old friend up!
Peter's Devil: Don't listen to that sissy! Grab a beer and watch the game.
Peter: Yeah that sounds good. [Peter's angel shoots the devil]
Peter: Oh my God!
Peter's Angel: [points gun at Peter's head] Now get your fat ass over to Joe's!
Peter: Look buddy I...I...
Peter's Angel: Move!
Peter: All-All right, all right! Just take it easy. Just take it easy, man. Everything's cool.
Steve: Tell your wife to come find me if she wants a little boom shaka laka laka...boom shaka laka laka laka... boom shaka laka laka laka... boom.
Tom Tucker: Coming up in the next half-hour, our in-depth look at conveniently placed news reports in television shows, but first, Peter, watch out for that skateboard.
Tom Tucker: Alan Adler, David Preslack, Julie Axlerod, Shep Sutton, Scott McCormack. And that concludes the list of people who were mean to me in junior high. Tomorrow, high school.
Meg: Wow! $26.
Chris: I've never seen so much money at one time!
Meg: What do you think should we do with it?
Stewie: I say we buy $26 worth of ice cream and just pig out. Oh, We can dish, talk about who's getting fat. Oh, we'll just be great big bitches.
Meg: So, um, the $26 would probably be safe in my room.
Stewie: Right. It'd probably get lost among the pinups of Justin Timberlake, and Tom Cruise, and.... Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? Morgan Freeman.
Tom Tucker: Hello, and welcome to the Quahog Special People's Games. I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. It's a great day to be alive, Tom, able-bodied or not.
Tom Tucker: It sure is, Diane. Today we'll see some of Quahog's finest athletes struggle valiantly against God's twisted designs. You'll cheer, you'll cry, you might even get a cheap laugh or two.
Diane Simmons: I know I will, Tom. In fact, there's the distinct possibility that, by the end of the day, we'll all be going to hell.
Tom Tucker: I'll see you there, Diane.
Joe: Gee, Peter, this water tastes kinda funny.
Peter: You mean like ha-ha, Jerry Seinfeld funny or Elaine Boosler, "God bless her, she's trying" funny?
TV Announcer: Rolling Courage: The Joe Swanson Story. Friday on ABC, followed by Dharma and Greg, but you don't have to watch that.
Lois: [about Joe] Peter, you should go talk to him. After all, you set out to make him feel better, and now he's worse than ever.
Peter: I don't know, Lois. He's probably waiting to be interviewed by Dan Rather or that dreadful Gene Shalit.
Mayor West: Mayor West: Today we're here to honor Joe Swanson for pulling my poor one-eyed cat, Bootsy, out of the old stove pipe of my grandmother's cabin. [a co-worker hits him in the head with the top of a broom] Joe Swanson won the Special People's Decathlon, and we're here to honor him.
Peter: I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a Made-for-TV movie about me starring Valerie Bert-n-Ernie.