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Peter: My wife did Kiss.
Lois: And J. Geils.
Peter: What's that?
Lois: Nothing.

Stewie: Pengrove, Pengrove Pig! Pengrove, I've come to live on Jolly Farm. Oh my the magic tome! [Opens the book] Wait it's cardboard... and there are no words there are just... What is it you've drawn here?
Pengrove: Oh that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets [removes pig head] He he, dead brill eh?
Stewie: Ahhh! [runs to Mother Maggie] Oh Mother Maggie thank God something's terribly wrong.
Mother Maggie: Whose stinky brat is this?
Stewie: That's not your voice! Your voice is lyrical like the gentle strum of a lute!
Mother Maggie: Piss off you grotty little wanker!

Stewie: HEY! Shut up.

Meg: I can't believe my stupid parents are gonna spend five days following stupid old Kiss around! it's painful!
Peter: Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter: I'll miss you!

Stewie: Spit spot, Albert Hall, meat and two veg, Big Ben, Dave Clark Five, Spam and eggs, a baby's arm holding an apple, pip pip, cheerio.

Chris: Dad, can Meg and I stay up late when you're away.
Peter: You can do whatever you want, Chris, just stay away from the Candy Tree.
Candy Tree: He's right to caution you. I feed off children.

Peter: Hey, yo, Lois!
Lois: What?
Peter: I'm packing for KISS-Stock and I can't find my favorite underwear.
Lois: You mean the pair with the rip in the right buttcheek from when you stepped on them pulling them up in that airplane bathroom when you had the trots?
Peter: No, the pair with the hole in the left buttcheek from when I held it in for two hours 'cause it was that extra long Palm Sunday church sermon and blowing gas would offend Jesus, so I let it go in the vestibule after Mass, and it sounded like Louis Armstrong?
Lois: Oh, bottom drawer.

Brian is reading a letter written by Stewie.
Stewie: [voiceover] Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Um, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty-day return limit but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll give you at least store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's just, I can't imagine when I'll ever wear it, you know? I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to, and then it'll... Wait a minute. Actually, could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Well, I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, good-bye forever. P.P.S. You know, it might actually be a little chilly in London. I'm actually going to take the sweater.

Lois: Peter, look, there's Dave and Dottie, the nudists.
Dave: Well, hey there, Griffins!
Lois: Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise!
Dottie: Don't tell me you're KISS freaks, too?
Peter: KISS Army soldier since 1977. How about you?
Dave: '76. I don't think anyone knows more about KISS than I do.
Peter: I'm sorry. What was that?
Lois: It's not important.
Peter: Let him answer, Lois!
Dave: I said, no one knows more about KISS than I do.
Dottie: Fellows, please keep it civil.
Peter: I'm not sure I like the tone of your voice, Dave.
Dave: Well, throw down, if that's what you want.
Peter: Name Gene Simmons' special-effects mentor.
Dave: Amazo the Magician. What high school did Paul Stanley go to?
Peter: New York High School of Music. Paul and Gene's band before KISS?
Dave: Wicked Lester. What year did KISS appear on the Jim Nabor's Halloween special?
Peter: Trick question. It was Paul Lynde, and it was 1975. Now recite the ad that brought Peter Criss to Paul and Gene's attention.
Peter & Dave: "Drummer willing to do anything to make it." Rolling Stone, October, 1972.
Dave: Exemplary.
Peter: Rock 'n' roll!

Lois: Well, the best advice I can give is that you never know who's gonna grow up to be famous, so just make yourself available.

Brian: You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? :[Stewie nods his head]. Okay, let's take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

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