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Road to Germany/Quotes

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German Officer: [After their car hits the back of a manure truck] Das Poop!

[Brian, Stewie and Mort are standing on the return pad, talking about bringing Mort to England to protect him from the Nazi's]
Mort Goldman: Oh, they're awful those Nazi's. If they catch me, they'll beat me unmerciful, and rub dirt in my assneck and all over my assy nipples.
Stewie Griffin: ...what??

Mort: I wanna get back on the motorcycle.
Brian: [sighing] I told you it's out of gas.
Mort: Why isn't the time machine working?!
Stewie: I don't know, Mort.
Mort: I hate it here! I hate this god damn place! It's all a bunch of shit! It's all a bunch of God damn shit!
Stewie: Okay, take it easy man.
Mort: No! Fuck you, Stewie! I'm a Jew in Nazi occupied Europe! FUCK YOU! FUCK THE BOTH OF YOU!
Brian: I didn't say anything.
Stewie: Oh, thanks Brian.
Mort: This is a bunch of shit!
Stewie: Okay, you know what Mort, shut up! Alright just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know, we could just leave you here.
Mort: Yeah, right. Just leave me here, that's great. We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish.
Stewie: Oh, I've noticed. Helen Keller would notice.
Brian: Haha.
Mort: Eat my ass, Brian!
Brian: Don't you mean your assneck?
Mort: Shut up, that's a real thing.

German soldier: ACH! Unsere Unterseeboot sind stiehlen mit eine dog und baby und Art Garfunkel! [Translation: ACH! Our submarine is being stolen by a dog, a baby, and Art Garfunkel!]

[Three German Officers are walking past the alleyway Brian, Stewie and Mort are hiding in]
Stewie: [Whispering off-screen] Hey, psst, fellas? You want to get a free caricature?
German Officer #1: Oooh!
German Officer #2: Yah!
German Officer #3: I vant to be a shkateboarder!
[They all walk into the alleyway, off-screen, and we hear the sounds of fighting and a single laser blast, before Stewie, Brian and Mort walk out adjusting the German Officers' clothing they're now wearing]
Stewie: [Inspecting the lapel of his uniform] Hey, there's something on here. [Finds a McCain-Palin badge attached to his collar] Huh, that's weird.

[Stewie, Mort, and Brian walk into the uranium lab. On the way down, Stewie takes a marker and colors in his hair and gives himself a mustache to pass off at Hitler]
Stewie: Hey guys!
Scientists: Hitler!
Scientist: How's it going, Mr. Hitler?
Stewie: Well it's a dog-eat-dog Reich and I'm wearing bacon pants.

Brian:Oh No! Another wave of Nazis! We're outnumbered!
Stewie:Oh I don't think so Brian!
Prince Vultan:STAND BY MY HAWKMEN! DIVE!

[Brian, Stewie and Mort are in the bomber when its engine is shot and the plane takes a nose-dive]
Mort Goldman: Oh my God and Baby Jesus we're going down!! [He runs to the back and opens the door of the plane] Quick! Get the parachutes!
Brian Griffin: [Runs in holding an emergency raft] There are no parachutes! All I could find was this!
Stewie Griffin: A raft?? We're not sinking...[High-pitched] we're craaaashiiiiing!!

Stewie: Pardon me, sir. I'd like to join.
Officer: What are your qualifications?
Stewie: I have a British accent, I'm possibly homosexual, I never brush my teeth, and my wife is ghaaastly.

Stewie: Wait a minute, Germany's building Weapons of Mass Destruction? Well, why doesn't America go in there and kick their asses?
Brian: [Turning towards the viewer and squinting his eyes] I dunno, maybe because they don't have any oil.
Stewie: [Doing the same] Oooooohhhh... clap-clap-clap-clap-clap!

[Stewie, Brian and Mort have been caught impersonating German Soldiers by Hitler and his two bodyguards]
Hitler: Execute them! [The German bodyguards cock their pistols and aim at their heads] Unless...
Brian: Unless what??
Hiter: Unless they can sing a charming musical number!
[Stewie and Brian look at each other, smile, and then don hats and canes as music starts up]
Stewie and Brian: Whenever...
Mort: DAMMIT, WILL YOU TWO JUST GET IN THE FUCKING TIME MACHINE?!

[Mort barges into Stewie's room]
Mort: Can I poop in here?!
Stewie and Brian: NO!
Mort: ...too late.

Stewie: Hey hey hey hey! What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty, walking-on-the-street paws!

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