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Road to Rupert/Quotes

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Herbert: Sellin' your old hand-me-down's?
Chris: Yup!
Herbert: You got anything you used to wear in the summertime?
Chris: Just these old shorts.
Herbert: Sweet Jesus!

[Before Peter crashes his car]
Lois: Peter, you can't drive a car over that, you're gonna get hurt!
Peter: Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job.
Lois: Peter, I don't work at Burg...
Peter: [imitating Lois] I don't work at Burgagagaga-I'm busy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.

Peter: [After crashing his car] Wow, this is like what happened with Matthew Broderick, except no one's dead!

[at the garage sale]
Lois: You know, Brian, I'm looking forward to getting rid of some of this crap. [picks up a DVD] Like this movie, Stymie Gruffin: The Untold Story. It's not a movie at all, Brian! Just three episodes back-to-back. This thing is an insult.
Brian: [nervously looks around] Well, that-that might be overstating things a little. [as she continues talking, Brian waves to someone off-camera and points at Lois]
Lois: It's a middle-finger to the fans, is what it is. I tell you, FOX should be emb....

Peter: How much for the gloves?
Brian: Peter, those are yours.
Peter: Ten bucks! Two! Seven! Four! Five-fifty! Ten! Sold! Sucker. I would have gone to fifteen easy. I am so stupid.

Peter: Aw, this sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around?
Meg: Dad, it's just you and me in the car.
Peter: And don't remind me. It's bad enough I've got a suspended license, I have to rid around town with "Stinky McPoop-Pants." I want apple juice!
Meg: Dad, you left your apple juice at home.
Peter: [kicking the seat] I want apple juice!
Meg: [sighs] You wanna watch SpongeBob?
Peter: Yes... with apple juice.
SpongeBob: [on T.V.] The C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G Song!
Peter: Heh-heh! SpongeBob! Heh!

Joe: Good morning, Peter. I'm here to revoke your driver's license.
Peter: What? Why?
Joe: We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbag, so rape.

Stewie: Why have you brought me to the toy store, Brian?
Brian: I'm buying you another Rupert. [grabs a toy gorilla] Hey, this one's cute, huh? [reads tag] And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild...and if we don't, they kill one. Wow, these guys are playing hardball.

Peter: What? Lois, this is the best you could do?
Lois: Well, it was either Meg or a talking monkey with a cigar, but I didn't think you'd like that.
Monkey: I've already accepted another job.
Peter: Lois, you picked the opposite thing that I would like!
Monkey: It's all right, I would've driven you bananas.
Peter: Oh, oh, and he makes jokes. Nice going, Lois!

[Brian and Stewie hitch a ride in Mayor West's car]
Mayor Adam West: Can I help you, gentlemen?
Brian: Follow that truck! [nothing happens] Didn't you hear me? I said "Follow that truck!"
Mayor Adam West: Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please".
Brian and Stewie: Please follow the truck!

Mayor Adam West: If I enter Connecticut, I'm entering every state that Connecticut's ever been with.

Stewie: [Box falls off moving truck] I say, what a bit of serendipity. Now we've got that fellow's address. Let's see... "Aspen, Colorado".
Brian: Well, you can forget that. We're not going all the way to Aspen.
Stewie: What?! But I can't leave Rupert to perish. For the rest of my life, I'll be as lonely as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell after the rapture!
[Cutaway to Falwell and Robertson standing alone in a street]
Pat Robertson: Damn it, Jerry, why are we the only ones still here?!
Jerry Falwell: I don't know, we hated all the right things. Now there's nothing left to hate.
Pat Robertson: [Points to rock between them] I'm gonna hate that rock.
Jerry Falwell: No, I'm gonna hate that rock.
Pat Robertson: Let's both hate that rock.
Jerry Falwell: I hate you.
Pat Robertson: I hate you too.

Brian: Look, Stewie, don't you think at some point you're gonna have to let Rupert go? I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear.
Stewie: Brian, I'm one!
Brian: Still?
Stewie: What?
Brian: Look, I'm not going to Colorado. I'm turning around and going home.
Stewie: Fine, then, I'll go by myself. See you from the back of my milk carton. Want that on your conscience, Brian? Try explaining this to Lois. You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds.
Brian: Don't joke about that! That's like the Holocaust to us!
Stewie: Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running The New York Times and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you. [he sticks out his thumb] Now are you coming or not?
Brian: [sighs] Fine. [he sticks out his thumb, then he starts singing] Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name...
Stewie: Who sings that song?
Brian: James Taylor.
Stewie: Yeah, let's keep it that way.

Stewie: [after their helicopter crashes in the mountains] Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.

Brian: Well, looks like you're gonna be reunited with Rupert after all.
Stewie: And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. [we see Stewie with a set of chattering teeth in his mouth, then he takes them out] Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack! [Brian slaps him] Ahh! Bitch.

Peter: Aw, you should've seen what our amazing freakin' daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass! It was like what life did to Dana Plato.

Stewie: Oh, no! If only I had rockets in my skis. Oh, wait, I totally have rockets in my skis!

Brian: How are we gonna get out of here?
Stewie: You still got the starting gun?
Brian: Yeah.
Stewie: Give it to me.
[later, a car approaches an intersection]
Stewie: [holding the driver at gunpoint] GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR RIGHT NOW, MAN! [smashes the window]
Driver [screaming]: OH, JESUS!
Driver: OH, MY GOD!
Stewie: DO IT! GO! DO IT OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! [Brian and Stewie drive off as the driver leaves screaming]
Brian: Did we just carjack someone?
Stewie: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

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