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- [Joe introduces Quagmire as roastmaster]
- Quagmire: Thanks you, thank you, thank you very mush. Joe, I'd tell you to take your seat, but I'd be about fifteen years too late.
- Quagmire: Well first off, Peter's always been special. In high school, he didn't play sports, but he did wear a helmet.
- Quagmire: But I gotta say the worst part about being Peter's friend is knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be the fatass' pallbearer. Lift with the legs, right fellas?
- Carter: As Lois' father, I hate the thought of her having sex with Peter.
- Lois: [offscreen] And so do I!
- Carl: I asked Peter what he got on his SATs. He said "Mayonnaise."
- Becca: [about Lois] That voice! Ugh.
- Jamie: Your wife is such a pig.
- Peter: Oh I don't know about that, Jamie. Pigs eat slop; Lois only cooks it.
- Peter: Our cycles have lined up; mine's from wiping too hard.
- Jamie: I guess Peter made it to the bathroom 'cause I can't feel him walking anymore!
- Becca: I know! Fe fi fo fum! Right?
- Peter: Lois, you were right; those women were talking about me.
- Lois: Oh, dear. What did they say?
- Peter: I don't even remember. There was such a long cutaway, but I know it was really mean.
- Jerome: Peter,you're loud, you can't hold down a job and your blood pressure's high. If ya didn't have such a damn tiny ding a ling, you could be a black guy!
- Cleveland: Peter's got a small penis, but hey! Nuthin' grows in the shade!