Lois Griffin: Oh my God, he's gonna wipe that species off the face of the Earth!
Peter Griffin: No, Lois, the janitor will do that.

Peter Griffin: [holding half of a sandwich to his nose] Look at me. I'm Lois Griffin. Look at me and my bright ideas and my pointy nose.

Brian Griffin: Kid, you're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

TV Voice Over: Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping magnet Carter Pewterschmidt and passive aggressivist Barbara Pewterschmidt, tonight she takes on her greatest challenge. Peter Griffin, Quahog's native son and self described Huguenot, whatever the hell that means, and community activist.
Chris: Go dad.
Meg: He can't hear you.
Chris: GO DAD!

Tom: Mr. Griffin. Your opening statement please.
Peter: I'm Peter Griffin. Vote for me.
Tom: Is that it?
Peter: Ah, no, this is it. This is life, the one you get so go and have a ball, because the world don't move, to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have my opening statement..sit ubu sit. Good dog.

Lee Majors: What? Women are things.

Stewie: You should be out there giving speeches, shaking hands, kissing babies! [Lois kisses Stewie] Not this baby!

Stewie: [when Quagmire holds him] Oh, good Lord! Do you bathe in Aqua Velva?

Peter: [during the debate] Well, I...I have always cared deeply about young people. As a rich college bound student I once joined some underprivileged youths in saving a community center from being converted into a shopping mall. [crowd cheers]
Lois: Peter, that wasn't you. That was Adolfo "Shabba-Doo" in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo! You watched that last night...

Peter: When I'm done, our students will be so smart, they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

Cleveland: There's quite a crowd outside. I haven't seen pandemonium like this since "Ridiculous Day" down at the deli, where prices were so low, they were ridiculous.

Stewie: [thinking to himself] Splendid. How delightful it would be to have mother back.
Brian: [thinking] I heard that.
Stewie: [thinking] Damn!

Peter: [reading speech papers] A parent giving porno to their kid is a terrible thing, but I'm here to tell you I'm innocent. I didn't give those magazines to my son. My wife... my wife… Lois [The people in audience morph into Lois, then he sees Lois in the audience] Lois! [He then sees James Carville.] Ahhh! [ditching speech papers] Aw, crap. My wife Lois is the most important person in the world to me. I gave my son those magazines. Even worse, I turned a beautiful gift from Lois into something cheap and tawdry. I just wanted to win so bad. But now I know there are some things more important than winning. Lois I only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Lois: Oh, Peter. [runs to the podium to kiss Peter and give him a hug]
Tricia Takanawa: You're saying you're not only a bad father, but a bad husband as well?
Reporter: Do you have the moral authority to leave?
Peter: Yes, no, and screw it I resign.

Peter: [looking at James Carville] I can handle ugly, but this is like circus-ugly.

Brian: What's the matter? Miss your mommy?
Stewie: [laughing] Oh, yes. Yes. That's it. That's quite good. I miss my mommy. I also miss colic and rectal thermometry.
Brian: Whatever you say... Mama's boy.
Stewie: Blast!

Lois: Winning without honor isn't really winning at all. Isn't that right, Milli?
Milli Vanilli: No, it's just as good. [starts singing and dancing] Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, baby. [stops singing and dancing] Oh, what's the use? You're right.

Brian: Peter, are you sure running against Lois is such a good idea? You know how competitive you get.
Peter: Hey, hey, I can be just as noncompetitive as anybody. In fact I’m the most noncompetitive, so I win.

Peter: [on TV] Lois Griffin is a slut.
Lois: What?
Peter: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, I grew up in this town. Quahog needs a moral, upstanding school board president. Someone we can trust. Well, a lot of nasty things have been said during this campaign but pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand. But here's something everyone can understand. Do you really want your children's future in the hands of this? [shows a picture of Lois in skimpy lingerie] I know I don't.
Cleveland: [voice over] Paid for by the Peter Griffin for School Board President Committee. Sorry, Lois.

Lois: Peter, tell Chris that women are not objects!

Lois: This is a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep.

Peter: Yeah yeah, I know. You're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is grownup time and I'm the man.

Quagmire: Whoa, look at all of Lois' signs! Talk about seeing red. Oh!

Chris: Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce?
Lois: Oh, honey...maybe.

Tom: Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on the clitoris: nature's Rubik's cube.

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