Chris Griffin: The Army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said with any luck, I could get the clap from a 12 year old Chinese prostitute.
Peter Griffin: Wow, that's great! You'll be serving your country. Just like American film legend, Mickey Rooney.
[Cutaway to Mickey Rooney sitting on a chair]
Mickey Rooney: Hi, I'm former biggest star in the world Mickey Rooney, and as you may know, I am totally and completely insane! I like to yell at mice with my shirt off!
[Cut to Rooney on all fours, shirtless, and yelling at a mouse]
Mickey Rooney: Sometimes, I like to steal other people's scabs!
[Cut to a man standing at a bus stop with a visible scab on his knee. Mickey Rooney comes in, rips the scab off, and runs down the street holding it high in the air and screaming]
Mickey Rooney: How do I stay so crazy? [Holds up a bottle of pills] Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills! Take one with breakfast! One with lunch! And before you know it, you'll be up on your roof, pooping in the chimney!
[Cut to Rooney sitting on top of a chimney]
Mickey Rooney: [Calling down] Hold out your stockings, kids!

Lois Griffin: You can't join the army Chris! You're too young! Besides, the army is weak. Now the marines, those are the men you want to fuck.

[At the dinner table]
Brian Griffin: I can't believe they're brainwashing kids like Chris, to serve in the military.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, yes. The bottom 10% of our high-school class is off to fight another battle.
Brian Griffin: You stole that from The Onion.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: You stole that...I...I read that in The Onion, about the War in Iraq.
Stewie Griffin: Well if that's true then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at the, uh...wh...wh...wh...what is it again? The Onion?
Brian Griffin: So if I go up to your room right now, I'm not gonna find a copy of The Onion, right?
Stewie Griffin: No.
[Brian pushes his chair back pretending to get up to leave and Stewie makes a dash for his room, but trips over his dinner and falls to the floor]
Stewie Griffin: [From the floor, off-screen] Ow! Dammit!
Brian Griffin: That's what I thought.

[Peter and Lois are in bed]
Lois Griffin: I can't believe Chris would just buy into that army recruiter's sales pitch. We can't let him enlist!
Peter Griffin: Don't worry Lois, all he needs is an after-school activity to get his mind off the Army. Just something to distract him. You know, like all of America gets distracted whenever a cute, white girl dies.
[Cutaway to an overturned bus, with a policeman holding a clipboard and the press standing by]
Policeman: We regret to report that not all the children on board the school bus survived. We have identified the body of one victim: 9 year-old, Becky Gunderson.
The Press: Awww.
Policeman: [Reading from his clipboard] No, wait. That's, uh, Becky Gutierrez.
The Press: Oh.
Journalist: That's not news.

[In the barracks, as Brian packs his suitcase to leave the army]
Stewie Griffin: You can't leave, man, that's desertion. They'll come after you like Peter went after that hockey coach.
[Stewie glances into the camera for a second]
Stewie Griffin: Hmm, no clip? Thought we had a clip! No? Ok.

Stewie: All right, last resort. We get injured and go home with purple heart. Shoot me in the foot.
Brian: What? Shoot yourself in the foot.
Stewie: No, no, they can tell by the angle. Here, you shoot me and i'll shoot you.
Brian: I don't think this is gonna work
Stewie: Of course it will work. OK, ready? One... Two... Three!
[Both shoot; Brian gets shot, but missed Stewie]
Brian: Ahhh!! Dammit! Oh, my god, that hurts! [groans in pain]
Stewie:I think you've missed me.
Brian: All right, I'll try again.
Stewie: Uh, no, no, no! Hang on, that looks like it's painful.
Brian: Of course it's painful! There's a bullet in my foot, now get over here!
Stewie: Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! I change my mind. [Brian starts attempting to shoot Stewie's foot] I don't want to do this.
Brian: Come on we had a deal! [still trying to shoot Stewie]
Stewie: No, no, no, no! Don't point that at me! Oh, oh, no, no, no! No, oh, God, come on! This is bad for god's sake! [starts faking he got shot] Oh ow, ow, oh ow! Oh, you got me! Ow, ow, ow!
Brian: Let me see it.
Stewie: No, no it's gross.
Brian: Let me see it!
Stewie No, I don't want you to gross you out. Oh ow ow we are in so much pain right now, the two of us, oh ow.
[Brian shoots again, hitting Stewie in the foot, causing him to scream]
Stewie: OWW OK, that was real!

Lois: [After finding posters inside of Chris' wardrobe] What the hell? Marilyn Manson? Is that who's causing all this?
Peter: Yeah, it's all him or hers fault. Who does he or she think, he or she is? Look you could totally see his or her nipples. That's obscene. Maybe.
Lois: There's only one thing to do.
Peter: You're right. We gotta find this Marilyn Manson, and I gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.

Brian: All right, it shouldn't be too hard to get ourselves to be kicked out.
Stewie: Right, we just gotta convince them we are not "army" material. Ready?
Brian: All right, let's do it!
[The two started kissing each other]
Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! [two men pass by] I am so gay with my gayness.
Brian: Me too! I'm.... I'm a homo.
Gay Man: Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah!

[The two approach to the leader, hoping with one foot]
Stewie: Uh, hey, hi! I'm Private Stewie, and this is Private Brian. Uh, we both got shot in the foot. So, we figured and honorable discharge would be an order, uh, and you could just send us back to the States.
Leader: Getting shot doesn't get you out of here, anymore.
Brian: What?!
Leader: Yeah, we take whatever we can get, I mean, we got two dead guys, guarding the admonition.
[cuts to two dead guys, guarding the ammo hangar, then cuts back]
Leader: Sorry guys, you are here, until the job is done.
Army man: Great news, everybody! Democracy just kicked in!

Stewie: All Right Brian, pray with me. [they pray] Dear Lord, Just stay out of our way.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Saving Private Brian's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes