Stewie: Good morning...is what normal families would say.
Peter: Aww, that yellow lab looks like it's dying.
Lois: Peter, that's Gwyneth Paltrow, she's fine.
[Quagmire walks up to the Griffin house and rings the doorbell; Peter walks up to the peephole in his door and sees a sad-looking distortion of Quagmire; he opens the door and Quagmire's face is distorted]
Peter: Oh my God!
Quagmire: Hey, Peter.
[Quagmire rearranges his face back to normal]
Lois: Hi, Glenn. How are you?
Quagmire: Oh not too good, Lois. I'm in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister.
Lois: Yes, there was quite a ruckus going on there last night. That Jeff seems like some kind of a monster.
Peter: Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq lobster.
[During Brenda's intervention]
Quagmire: Brenda, the fact that you are being abused has affected my life in the following ways. The sister that I knew and loved growing up no longer exists. The person I see before me right now is just a punching bag. And I call you "person" and not "woman," because a woman is a strong, beautiful vibrant creature. A woman embraces life. A woman makes choices to make her life better. Sadly, the fact that you are with Jeff proves to me that you have made a choice to make your life worse. [Quagmire starts crying] I... I want the girl who I grew up with back. I want... I... I want my sister back.
Brenda: Well, I best be rolling on now.
Quagmire: Come on, who says that?
Joe: It's an expression!
Peter: Yeah, if you're in a wheelchair!
Quagmire: Guys, what the hell am I gonna do! We can't let Brenda marry that bastard! He's just gonna keep beating her and he's gonna beat the kid too!! God, I wish she'd never met Jeffrey Fechalman.
Peter: You know, I was thinking... Wait, what?
Peter: That's his name?
Quagmire: Well, yeah.
Peter: Hilarious, but you know what, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days where a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass.
Joe: Boy, that'd be satisfying.
Quagmire: Well, why not?
Quagmire: The three of us, we go over there and do what's right! We kill the bastard!
Joe: Woah, woah, Quagmire, you know I could have you arrested for saying that.
Peter: You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster.
[cutaway to a man and a rooster near a farm]
Man: I don't know what this "Cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and scatological. [pulls out dollar] I'm in.
Rooster: You're about to have a neat day.
[back to the scene]
Joe: Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy, It doesn't matter what he's done! It's still murder!
Quagmire: No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These types of guys won't change! Y-You think they suddenly wake up and see the error of their ways and clean up their act?! NO!! They just keep ruining other people's lives, and the world is better off without them!
Joe: It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it! [Hears Brenda screaming in fear after Jeff beats her, the three look out the window]
Jeff: What the hell?! DID YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHILE I WAS GETTING A BEER?!
Brenda: Um, yeah, sorry honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman.
Jeff: WE'RE WATCHING LENO, YOU BITCH!
Brenda: I'm so sorry!
Jeff: HIS SOFT GENTLE HUMOR CONNECTS EFFORTLESSLY WITH MY MAINSTREAM CAPABILITIES! [Brenda screams in fear again after Jeff beats her]
Joe: Let's waste this dick.
[Jeff thinks he's choked Quagmire to death as he digs a hole when the car lights come on and it's Quagmire at the wheel]
Jeff: What the hell?! I killed you!
[zoom in on Quagmire, who's really angry]
Quagmire: I choke myself every day, you bastard!
Peter: I kind of want to kill somebody else now. Ooh, Mort!