Tom Tucker: Our top story tonight, we continue to track the process of Hurricane Flozell. The National Weather Service has issued a severe hurricane advisory and is urging everyone to stay indoors for at least the next 36 hours.
[The TV goes blank]
Peter: NO! What happened?!
Lois: The wind must've knocked the satellite dish loose.
Chris: Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining.
Meg: You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me.
Chris: HOW AM I A BASTARD?!!
Meg: Oh, you want the whole story?
Lois: Meg, please.
Meg: Not now, Mom.
Peter: [giggles] I think Brian's getting a little water in there.
Meg: Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets?
Peter: [giggles] Still drinkin'.
Meg: Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's-Get-Meg" family bandwagon?
[Brian's lapping stops]
Peter: [disappointed] Aw.
Lois: Look, the bottom line here Meg is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else.
Lois: [scoffs] So what? A...all those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences.
Meg: Are you? Are you a better person?
Lois: What's your point, Meg?
Meg: My point is that with all the irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, heh, somehow you have the nerve, the arrogance to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings.
Lois: Alright, well fine! Okay, I'm not the perfect mother; who is?
Meg: [chuckles] Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the farthest thing from! From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world to, to be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing, and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done NONE of those things! You're my mother and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a seventeen-year long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago! And honestly, when I turn eighteen, I...I don't know that I ever want to see you again!
[Lois' lips quiver, then she cries]
Stewie[looking at his phone]: Oh, wow, everybody's already Twitting "Stewie Just Said That".
Lois: Ugh, you're right. You're right, I'm a terrible mother! I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg! Can you, ever forgive me? Oh, God!
[Lois sits down in a chair crying as Peter whispers something in Meg's ear]
Meg: And you never let dad stir the paint anymore...whatever that means.
Peter: I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up.
Stewie: [referring to Meg] Oh God, is she gonna do me next?
Meg: You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father.
Peter: All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man.
Meg: You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh, oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family! You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it!
Meg: God, if someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail!
[Peter laughs again and Meg fake laughs in return]
Meg: Oh, this is amusing to you? Well, see if you find this funny!
Peter: I like where this is going.
Meg: You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish-Catholic dad who drinks WAY too much, and barely makes enough to support his family! You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it! Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us! We're a disaster!
Stewie: Meg, watch it.
Meg: You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way! Take a good look at yourself Peter Griffin! You're a waste of a man!
Peter: Wait a second, these are criticisms! Hey Lois, tell her to knock it off!
Lois: Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?!
Peter: I was thinking about getting a fancy cane, maybe getting more attention from strangers.
Brian: I'm going to cut my ear to prevent World War II.
Brian: Lesbians... and deaf women... wear the same clothes...
Chris: You're a fucking bitch!
Meg: Yes. Yes, I am.
Meg: Have either of you guys been listening to me?! Do you both just have your heads up your asses?!
Chris: Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears!
Peter: That's unrelated.
Lois: Chris, I don't like that language.
Chris: Well, I don't like your cooking!
Lois: Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry!
Chris: You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli! It's like an Irish bar fight down there!
[cutaway to a piece of broccoli and a Brussels sprout fighting]
Broccoli: You're from one town over, so I hate your guts.
Chris: WHY DON'T WE EVER GET ANY GOOD FOOD?!
Peter: Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe wonder bread.
Lois: Well, then go live at Bonnie's house! Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.!
Peter: My curiosity peaks in the morning!
Chris: You eat all my Dannon yogurts!
Peter: I don't see your name on 'em!
Chris: You don't even like 'em, but you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em!
Lois: You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter.
Meg: Yeah, that's exactly what he does, 'cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!
Peter: You shut up! All of youse! [runs upstairs, and then turns to the family with tears in his eyes] I didn't ask to be in this family!
Lois: [sighs] I'll go get him. [picks up Stewie] Peter, you come back here!
Chris: [shouting at Meg] I faked all my orgasms!
Meg : You guys, I have something to say. You're right. It's all my fault.
Meg: Mom, you're an amazing mother and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them. Chris, you're an outstanding brother. What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister. And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. You don't deserve it. None of you have done anything wrong. I took all my problems out on you guys, and that wasn't fair.
Stewie: Y'know, Brian, you may be a dog, but you're a pretty cool cat.
Megroach: I think you gave me worms, Brian.
Lois: Wanna have sssssex?
Monster Quagmire: Groggety!
Peter: You know I...I've been sittin' back here, takin' all this in, because I thought I wouldn't have a dog in this fight. But my money is on Harry Potter over there.
Brian: okay, five minutes Ms. Ga-GINA BIG! and I will be right back with your Evian.
Lois: Meg, how could you put us all through that?!
Meg: I'm sorry, you guys.
Chris: You're a fucking bitch!
Meg: Yes. Yes, I am.
Stewie: Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin. Tonight's Family Guy was a very special episode about drug use. But the simple fact is it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.