[Stewie criticizes Brian's texting and driving]
Stewie: That was a stroller, not a speedbump.

[Stewie tries to give Chris advice on how to handle bullies]
Chris: What if I said "Hey there shortie!"?
Stewie: I'd say "Have another donut, you albino gorilla."

Peter: Smoke break!

Man: Nothing will ever be funnier than misunderstandings.

Chris: I mean... you have... a vulva and fallopian tubes.
Girl: Finally, a guy who listens!

Principal Shepherd: There's like no one hot at this school this year.

Stewie: Other people live here!

Dr. Hartman: How many Vicodins for you to just leave me alone?
Lois: Forty.

Old Stewie: Back in my day, we had Katy Perry and Justin Bieber. That was real music.

[Lois and Peter are wearing Mario Lopez masks]
Peter: We both go Latino, but soft Latino.

Principal Shepherd: I don't care what the courts say. Let's thank the Christian God together.

Stewie: You can't hold me prisoner in here forever!
Chris: Why not? Name one person who loves you.
Stewie: Wow, not a proportional response.

Stewie: You're not getting it, Chris, are you? You were being bullied day in and day out, so I tried to help you. I tried to be a good brother, and you've repaid me with abuse. You're the bully, Chris Griffin!

Stewie: [To Chris] I may no longer be on your back, but I'll always be on your side.

Principal Shepherd: Life's not as easy as you think it's gonna be right now.

Peter: Well, I finally quit smoking and I'm ready to go back to normal!
Lois: Peter, that's not how it works. The damage you've done is irreversible.
Brian: Yeah, Lois is right. As bad as you look, the damage you've done to your heart and your lungs is, no doubt, exponentially worse.
Peter: What?! Well try cuttin' to the outside of the house over some music. That usually works.
[Cuts away to outside of house, then back inside with Peter still looking bad]
Peter: Fuck!

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