[After kicking a child in the testicles]
Stewie: Anyone else want to feel my Reebok in their grapes? Then you'll all do as I say!

Stewie: So be it! I'll do to you what B.C. does to comedy on a daily basis.
[Cutaway to a B.C. comic strip]
Caveman #1: Hey, why is Juan so happy?
Caveman #2: I think he finally figured himself out.
Caveman #1: Huh, I guess it takes Juan to know Juan.

TV Announcer: We now return to Morgan Freeman starring in The Narrator.
Morgan Freeman: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talkin or you get busy dyin'. The work is really quite easy. Why even right now I'm just sitting in a chair, sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered in something that resembles egg crates except they're soft and spongy, like a a Twinkie.

Lois: [taking a pregnancy test] Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter: Oh God, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian: Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick @ Nite lineup.
Peter: Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian: That's Street Fighter.
Peter: Red, blue, green...
Brian: Those are colors.

Peter: Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat.

Peter: Oh, hey Hogzilla. You seen my hot wife Lois anywhere?
Lois: No, I haven't. Maybe she's out looking for a man who can satisfy her.
Peter: [laughs sarcastically] Hey, do me a favor. When you're in bed, point your butt the other way. Last night, you farted, I swear to God, I thought someone was stickin' me with the cigarette lighter from the car. You're fat.

Bertram: What took you so long?
Stewie: What took you so ugly?

Lois: Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy.
Peter: First of all, I don't know what that is. And second of all, no freakin' way!

Joe: A lot of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all.
Cleveland: Would you ever have one?
Joe: Never!!

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