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< Something, Something, Something, Dark Side

Luke/Chris: Echo-3 to Echo-7. Han old buddy, are you there?
Han/Peter: Luke, we talked about this. I changed my codename.
Luke/Chris: Oh, right. Echo-3 to Carlos Spiceyweener.
Han/Peter: Carlos Spiceyweener here.

Leia/Lois: We need you.
Han/Peter: Oh really? "We" or "I"?
Leia/Lois: What do you mean?
Han/Peter: You don't want me to leave because of the way you feel about me, huh? I bet you're afraid I'm gonna leave without giving you a good bye kiss.
Leia/Lois: Eh, I'd rather kiss George Takei.
[adjust to reveal George Takei]
George Takei: Hello.

[Han (Peter) turns to Leia (Lois)]
Han/Peter: Well your manage-to-keep-me-around-a-little-longer-ness, it looks like you've managed to keep me around a little longer.
Leia/Lois: I assure you, I had nothing to do with it.
Han/Peter: Yeah, right. I think you just can't stand to let a fat guy like me out of your sights.
Leia/Lois: [agitated] Why you stuck up, half witted, scruffy lookin' nerf herder!
[Han (Peter) punches Leia (Lois) in the face and she falls down]
Han/Peter: You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

[Princess Leia (Lois) is addressing a group of rebel pilots]
Leia/Lois: May I have everyone's attention please? We're evacuating into outer space with literally infinite directions in which to flee. However, we have decided that our transports will travel directly towards the fleet of stormtroopers. Any questions?
Rebel: Yeah, um, is there someone from the military we can talk to, a man perhaps?

[Luke getting into his snow speeder]
Dack Ralter: Feeling okay sir?
Luke/Chris: Just like new! How 'bout you, Dack?
Dack: I feel like I can take on the whole empire myself!
[Luke (Chris) stops]
Luke/Chris: That'd be awesome! Hey everyone, Dack says he's got this one!
[the rebels all cheer and start landing their speeders]
Dack: You know it bitches!
[Dack takes off. In space, Dack flies up to the planet and stops, facing the imperial fleet]
Dack: Hey imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!

Rebel 1: I think we're doomed!
Jim: Nah. Unless they got any big, giant robot camels, I think we're OK.
[The thud of the AT-AT's footsteps as they approach]
Rebel 1: Ah, Jim, [points at the AT-AT's] robot camels.

Han/Peter: Hey, guys.
Leia/Lois: Han! What are you still doing here?
Han/Peter: Well I just realized my spaceship works better when I HAVE THE KEYS! Duh!

C-3PO/Quagmire: Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are 2-1!
Han/Peter: Never tell me the o-oh... well, that's not bad. Never mind, let's keep going.

Leia/Lois: We're gonna be pulverized!
Han/Peter: Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship. I think we're gonna be okay.

Leia/Lois: I hope you know what you're doing.
[Cut to Han sitting in front of the camera]
Han/Peter: I just find that Leia's constant questioning of me is not constructive to the atmosphere of the ship. And I think she just needs to get some respe' fa' he'self.

[Cleveland/R2-D2 is spitten out by a swamp monster]
Cleveland/R2-D2: FFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK!

Meg/Slug: How come I never have any lines in these things?
[Falcon flies up to her face]
Peter/Han: Shut up, Meg.

Leia/Lois: You're gonna attack them?!
Han/Peter: [as Leia/Lois] "You're gonna attack them?!" [normal voice] That's what you sound like. [as Leia/Lois again] "You're gonna attack them?!" [normal voice again] Imagine listening to that all day.

C-3PO/Quagmire: This is insane Han, they're gonna find us here.
Brian/Chewie: Yeah, and even if they don't, where are we gonna hide out after this?
Han/Peter: [while looking at ship controls] Hey, what about Lando?
Leia/Lois: The Lando System?
Han/Peter: Lando's not system, he's a black guy. In fact, I think he might be the only black guy in the galaxy.
Brian/Chewie: Huh, let's hope right?
Leia/Lois, C3PO/Quagmire and Han/Peter: WHOA!!!

[Han to Lando]
Han/Peter: Hey, let me introduce everybody. You remember Chewbacca and this is my special friend Leia and that's uh... that's Sarge over there.
C-3PO/Quagmire: You don't know my name do you? You never bothered to learn it.
Han/Peter: What are you talkin' about? We've been through all kinds of space adventures together. Of course I know you slugger.
C-3PO/Quagmire: Sha, sure. Nice to meet you. I'm C-3PO...
Han/Peter: C-3PO. Yeah I was just gonna introduce you, C-3PO. Why didn't you let me, C-3PO?
Lando/Mort: Uh... Maybe we should go inside.
Han/Peter: Yeah let's get inside C-3PO. You ever been to Cloud City, C-3PO?

Chewbacca brings C-3PO in in pieces after getting separated at J.Crew]
Leia/Lois: Oh my God, what happened?
C-3PO/Quagmire: Ehh, I got into a slap fight with a prep-droid over a pair of cargo shorts.

Han/Peter: Heh-heh! Look, the Giant Chicken is Boba Fett!

Cleveland/R2-D2: [sticking a probing extension into a door's locking mechanism] Hey, baby. You're gonna let us through, ain'tcha? Ooh. Yeah. Dat's right. You know that feels good.

Stormtrooper: Have we ever hit anything with these things?
Stormtrooper 2: I hit a bird once.

Darth Vader/Stewie: Oh, come on, Luke, come join the Dark Side! It's really cool!
Luke/Chris: Well I don't know. Whose on it?
Darth Vader/Stewie: Well um... there's me, the Emperor, this guy Scott. You'll like him, he's awesome...

Darth Vader/Stewie: Spoiler alert! I am your father!
Luke/Chris: Well, that's fine, but I don't see how that affects...Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

Lois/Leia: I love you.
Peter/Han: Fuck off.

[Darth Vader/Stewie tells Luke/Chris that he is his father]
Darth Vader/Stewie: Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, you know, as two really close guys who just happen to be men, you know, just, two good-looking guys sharing a cramped office running the galaxy together, you know, just getting the job done, you know maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally but it's not weird, you know, 'cause we're just, two guys with raging goals you know? I mean it's not even about the doing it part, but that's a part of it, but it's not...it's not the whole thing.

Brian/Chewie: Is that him?
Leia/Lois: I'm not sure. Luke, if that's you wave your right hand... no your RIGHT hand!
Luke/Chris: It's me, you fuckers!

Darth Vader/Stewie: Luke.
Luke/Chris: Yeah?
Darth Vader/Stewie: Wait, Luke?
Luke/Chris: Yeah?
Darth Vader/Stewie: Luke Skywalker?
Luke/Chris: Yeah.
Darth Vader/Stewie: Oh, my God, this is so silly. I was trying to call Luke Adams, his number is right next to yours in my helmet.

Luke/Chris: [As he hangs from the pole under Cloud City] Ben... Ben... Leia... Leia... Tom Selleck!

[Peter finishes telling "The Empire Strikes Back"]
Peter: The end.
[The power comes back on and the Griffins cheer]
Peter: Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.
Chris: Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad.
Peter: Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central.
Chris: It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that.
Peter: I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has.
Chris: I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them.
Peter: Oh, yeah? All 42 of them?
Chris: I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.
Peter: Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without a Paddle.
Chris: Fuck you, Dad!

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