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Brian: Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop!
Stewie: I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym!
Brian: It has nothing to do with the gym, you're on drugs!
Stewie: It doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the rian. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns.
Brian: That doesn't make any sense.
Stewie: It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this!

Stewie: What's goin' on, B-minus?

Peter: My baby boy got beat up by a girl!
Stewie: What was weird was that she was crying, but the way she was standing over me made it look like I was crying, which was weird.

Lois: Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this?
Peter: World War V.
Lois: Peter we've been over this...there has to be a World War III and IV first.
Peter: Oh no-oh no that's the beauty of World War V, Lois. It's so intense it skips over the other two.
Lois: Peter it doesn't wor...
Peter: [Interrupting] I HAVE SPOKEEEN!!

Stewie: Uh-oh! Spa-doodie-ohs!

Peter: Now let's sit here and watch Spike TV.
Spike TV Narrator: Spike TV! Full of stuff men like!
[Braking car]
[Punching sounds]
[Flushing toilet]
[Fart sound]
[Gunshot]
Woman: Ahhhh!
Spike TV Narrator: Yeah, that stuff!

Meg: [shows Connie her scars] You see this Connie? This is from when you called me "Sticky ass cow" in sixth grade. This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina Freshman year! You want my help? You can go fuck yourself!
Chris: [off screen] Hey, Meg! THINK FAST! [A javelin gets thrown into Meg's shoulder] HAHA! Loser!!

[While the students enjoy the party, Meg is upstairs in her bed, crying, while Lois tries to comfort her]
Lois: Aw, Meg, sweetie, why don't you go downstairs and join the Party?
Meg: I wasn't invited! I hate Chris, he's such a jerk!
Lois: Look, he's just confused with who he is right now. I'm sure deep down he still loves his big sister.
Meg: I HATE MY SCHOOL!! I HATE EVERYONE!!! I HATE MY LIFE!!!
Lois: [Sighs] Okay, look Meg, I've been at this for 45 minutes, I don't know what else I can say. Here's a Sylvia Plath novel and a bottle of Ambien, I'm gonna look the other way and Whatever happens, happens.

Connie: Hey, Meg. Nice posture. Get lost!
Meg: Thank you.

Connie: Now, who are the biggest losers in this school?
Gina: Well, there's Smiley McGee...
Smiley McGee: Hellooooooooo.
Connie: Naw. I hear he's a bedwetter.

[Chris and Connie are holding hands and walk down the school hallways, running into the jocks]
Jock #1: Hey Griffiiin!
Jock #2: Griffaaaahh!
Jock #3: Griffamunnooooh!
Jock #4: [Complete gibberish]
Chris: Wow! The jocks haven't ever said hello to me before!

Jock #1: Hey Chris, c'mon lets corner the nerds and call them gay and make them show us their penises!
Jock #2: [Laughs] Won't that be gay of them?
[Later]
Jock #3: Chris, I can't believe you dissed Connie at your party! That was awesome!
Jock #1: Yeah, I heard about it when I was making that gay, nerd spoon with me.
[Later again]
Jock #4: Chris Griffin's a freak!
Jock #2: What a loser!
Jock #1: [Standing up] I'm gay, alright?!

Chris: [In regards to what it was like to be cool] It was like basking in the warm glow of a higher intelligence, as it envelops you and allows you to become part of its everlasting glory.
[Long pause as the family reflects]
Stewie: I flew today.

Lisa: Oh my God, he smells like Fred Flintstone's ass!
Fred Flintstone: Hey! ...No one's askin' you to smell it.

Stewie: I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl.
[cutaway]
Man: So, what are you wearing?
Blind girl: I don't know.

Peter: And I will see the Keaton Family next week.

Lois: And you listened to him?
Peter: Yes, I believe anything anyone says anywhere.

Stewie: I got veins. They carry blood all over my baddy. That's how John Mayer would say it. Baddy. I'm really into him right now. You'd better be okay with it!

Connie: Hey, forget the pep rally. You wanna go see a movie?
Chris: Cool! Maybe we can go see that new movie Distracting Trumpet.
[cutaway]
Businessman: I want to thank you all for coming out here today. [a man behinds playing the trumpet next to the table where the meeting is taking place We got a serious situation down in the Bronx. Our friend needs to get a message to the short man in the hat. [the trumpet playing is getting louder] He needs to deliver this message before the construction site contracts are handed down. [the trumpet man is now playing very loud and drowning out the businessman] It's of vital importance that these matters be attended to! So we may have to bring in a friend from Yonkers!
Businessman 2: What?
Businessman: I SAID WE MAY HAVE TO BRING IN A FRIEND FROM YONKERS!!

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