Rupert: Hey, everybody, just so you know, I'm straight!
1st German Soldier: Heil Hooters!
Otto: Careful, it might be a "booby-trap".
[Observing the Titanic sinking firsthand]
Chris: This would make a great movie.
Stewie: Alright Chris, it's 1798 and we're in the home of Jane Austen.
Chris: Jane Austen? I don't think she's on my history test Stewie.
Stewie: Oh, I know. We're just here to release pent up time travel farts.
Stewie: Wait a minute. Pre-Soviet Russia? This wasn't on the manifest.
Brian: Yeah, this is kind of a personal thing. [approaches Ivan Pavlov] Hey, Pavlov, you dog teasing dick! How's this for positive reinforcement?! [Brian bludgeons Pavlov to death with one of his bells and then spits on his corpse] All right, where to next?
Chris: I want to kill more scientists!
[In a flashback]
Teacher: Peter Griffin?
Peter: I'm gonna help you study by nailing your door shut. That way, you'll have no choice but to hit the books. Ah crap, I left my phone in there. Damn it, it's nailed shut.
Chris: Dad, it looks like some girl sent you a picture of her privates.
Peter: Ah crap! [Axing down the door] Lois, I don't have the phone! Stop sending pictures!
Lois: I already sent four more!
Peter: Chris, put down the phone! Don't look at those!
Chris: Wait a minute. That's both her hands! Who the hell is taking the pictures?
Peter: All right, gimme that phone and get back to work, and before you judge your mother, you did most of that damage.
Stewie: We'll just tell Chris he's dreaming because I don't want him to know about my time machine.
Brian: Why not?
Stewie: It's like having a pickup truck; once people know you got one, there go your weekends.
Stewie: The year is 1803.
Chris: Ah, the future.
Tony Sirico: Hey Family Guy, you're lucky I got a manicotti in the oven, or I'd bash your face into a bolognese. That's two kinds of food; that's how angry I am.
Tony Sirico: That's two!
Brian: Chris, there you are.
Chris: Well, well, well. If it isn't Booger Breath and the Mushroom Tip.
Stewie: Which one of us is which?
Chris: [As the Titanic begins to flood] This would make a great movie.
Brian: Looks like one ship was saved today: a relationship.