Peter:You know what grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. You just get up there half-naked and what? Jiggling them little things about. What do you want? What do you, Lindsay? I'll tell you what you want: nothing! You want nothing that's what you want. And that's "What grinds my gears."

Lois: Us women can be stupid sometimes. That's why I went back to men.

Meg (uncomfortable): oh... ok, mom... (walks out)

Chris (moves closer to Lois): Go on...

Diane: And now, neglectful father and Quahog's newest social pariah, Peter Griffin, with another segment of "Grind My Gears". Peter?

Peter: Thank you, Diane. You know what really grinds my gears? People from the nineteenth century. Get with the freaking program. Hello, it's called an automobile folks; much faster than a horse! Oh it seems I've been fired. You know what really grinds my gears? You, America. FUCK you!

Brian [to Stewie]: So, is it just pool water that turns you into a sniveling girl, or all water?

Stewie: Mom! Brian just asked me if it's just pool water that turns me into a sniveling girl, or all water!

Peter: You know, that really grinds my gears. Where in the bible does it say that a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read!

Stewie: Hell? Well that's a little much. Sure I've devoted my life to killing my mother, but who hasn't? You know for Hell, this isn't really that bad.

Diane Simmons: Now, let's go to Ollie Williams with the Adopt-a-Pet of the week.

Ollie Williams: [scene shows him holding a small puppy] Who wants this dog?

Diane Simmons: [cut back to the studio] Thanks, Ollie. And now, let's go to Peter Griffin with "Ya Know What Really Grinds My..."

[Tom Tucker arrives at the studio]

Diane Simmons: Tom, what are you doing? You don't work here anymore.

Tom Tucker: Well, Diane, I have an exclusive story. And I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.

Ollie Williams: [off-screen] Did you check your TCP/IP settings?

Tom Tucker: Yes I did, Ollie.

Ollie Williams: [off-screen] Enable cookies?

Tom Tucker: Yes, Ollie.

Ollie Williams: [off-screen] You want this dog?

Tom Tucker: No, thank you, Ollie.

[When Stewie and Lois are at the community swimming pool]

Lois: Aw, now don't worry, Stewie, there's no need to be afraid, it won't bite you.

Stewie: Shut Up! Stupid! What a stupid thing to say! You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!

Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? Nobody's come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like thirty years. You know? I mean, okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, "Ah, I can't eat it. It's forbidden." Couldn't eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I, I don't see you coming up with anything. And that people, is what grinds my gears.

Stewie: [after Brian walks in on Stewie shaving himself] Umm, feel free to say no to this, but... would you mind shaving my coin purse?

Peter: Hey, Stewie. How about Daddy teaches you how to swim?

Stewie: Go... away... fat man. [Peter picks up Stewie] Dah! What do you think you're doing? No means no!

[Stewie hangs onto Peter's arm while Peter tries to get Stewie in the pool]

Peter: Come on, Stewie! In... the... pool!

Stewie: No! No, I don't want to die! I want to live! Live!

Peter Griffin: Another thing that grinds my gears is when I can't find the droids I'm looking for.

Stormtrooper: Yeah, me too. What gives with that?

Stewie [to Brian]: Look, I really don't want to go to hell, but I can't stop my nature. I'm just a hateful person

Brian: You're not hateful you just need to control your anger. Like I do.

Stewie: Oh, you mean by being sauced all day! Wait a minute! Of Course! That's it! If I'm drunk I'll be calm and if I'm calm I'll be nice, and if I'm nice, then I won't go to hell. Fix me a highball I'm going to get good and tight!

Gandhi: [doing stand-up comedy] And Americans are all like, "Hey, bitch!" and the Indian people, we do not call our women in such a way.

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