Peter:You know what grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. You just get up there half-naked and what? Jiggling them little things about. What do you want? What do you, Lindsay? I'll tell you what you want: nothing! You want nothing that's what you want. And that's "What grinds my gears."
Lois: Us women can be stupid sometimes. That's why I went back to men.
Meg: oh... ok, mom... [walks out]
Chris: [moves closer to Lois] Go on...
Diane: And now, neglectful father and Quahog's newest social pariah, Peter Griffin, with another segment of "Grind My Gears". Peter?
Peter: Thank you, Diane. You know what really grinds my gears? People from the nineteenth century. Get with the freaking program. Hello, it's called an automobile folks; much faster than a horse! Oh it seems I've been fired. You know what really grinds my gears? You, America. FUCK you!
Brian: So, is it just pool water that turns you into a sniveling girl, or all water?
Stewie: Mom! Brian just asked me if it's just pool water that turns me into a sniveling girl, or all water!
Peter: You know, that really grinds my gears. Where in the bible does it say that a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read!
Stewie: Hell? Well that's a little much. Sure I've devoted my life to killing my mother, but who hasn't? You know for Hell, this isn't really that bad.
Diane Simmons: Now, let's go to Ollie Williams with the Adopt-a-Pet of the week.
Ollie Williams: Who wants this dog!?
Diane Simmons: Thanks, Ollie. And now, let's go to Peter Griffin with "Ya Know What Really Grinds My..."
[Tom Tucker arrives at the studio]
Diane Simmons: Tom, what are you doing? You don't work here anymore.
Tom Tucker: Well, Diane, I have an exclusive story. And I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.
Ollie Williams: Did you check your TCP/IP settings!?
Tom Tucker: Yes I did, Ollie.
Ollie Williams: Enable cookies!?
Tom Tucker: Yes, Ollie.
Ollie Williams: You want this dog!?
Tom Tucker: No, thank you, Ollie.
Lois: Aw, now don't worry, Stewie, there's no need to be afraid, it won't bite you.
Stewie: Shut Up! Stupid! What a stupid thing to say! You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!
Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? Nobody's come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like thirty years. You know? I mean, okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, "Ah, I can't eat it. It's forbidden." Couldn't eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I, I don't see you coming up with anything. And that people, is what grinds my gears.
Stewie: [after Brian walks in on Stewie shaving himself] Umm, feel free to say no to this, but... would you mind shaving my coin purse?
Peter: Hey, Stewie. How about Daddy teaches you how to swim?
Stewie: Go... away... fat man. [Peter picks up Stewie] Dah! What do you think you're doing? No means no!
[Stewie hangs onto Peter's arm while Peter tries to get Stewie in the pool]
Peter: Come on, Stewie! In... the... pool!
Stewie: No! No, I don't want to die! I want to live! Live!
Peter Griffin: Another thing that grinds my gears is when I can't find the droids I'm looking for.
Stormtrooper: Yeah, me too. What gives with that?
Stewie: Look, I really don't want to go to hell, but I can't stop my nature. I'm just a hateful person
Brian: You're not hateful you just need to control your anger. Like I do.
Stewie: Oh, you mean by being sauced all day! Wait a minute! Of Course! That's it! If I'm drunk I'll be calm and if I'm calm I'll be nice, and if I'm nice, then I won't go to hell. Fix me a highball I'm going to get good and tight!
Gandhi: [doing stand-up comedy] And Americans are all like, "Hey, bitch!" and the Indian people, we do not call our women in such a way.