Stewie Kills Lois/Quotes

100th Episode Celebration

Seth MacFarlane: Hello America! I'm Seth MacFarlane, creator of Family Guy, here to talk to you about some of the amazing work that's going on at the Dana-Farber Center for Cancer Research. [smiles] Oh, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine? Tonight we're gonna watch some of my favorite clips from Family Guy as we celebrate 100 episodes of doing just enough to get by.

Seth MacFarlane: At the heart of any successful TV family comedy is the family itself. Let's take a stroll down Spooner Street and relive some memorable moments from the family that helped make me, a poor Vietnamese immigrant, into a Caucasian Hollywood millionaire.

Seth MacFarlane: Sure, Family Guy is a half hour of laughter, but it's also a half hour of learning. Let's take a look back at some Family Guy history lessons that have kept America's high schoolers out of college.

Seth MacFarlane: Welcome back to the Family Guy 100th Episode Celebration. Aren't you glad this isn't the Dharma & Greg clip show? Because by now, you would have already seen the Dharma clips and you'd be stuck watching the Greg clips. God, what an awful, awful show. [10 second pause] Well, now let's cheek in once again with some of our biggest fans!

Seth MacFarlane: You know, some of my favorite moments on Family Guy over the years have been the musical numbers. They're the moments that keep us just one gay step ahead of the competition. So lighten those loafers and get ready for us to suck your funny with some Family Guy-style show stoppers

Seth MacFarlane: I hope you've liked what you've seen so far, and I know you're gonna enjoy the rest. [starts to toss a baseball into his gloved hand repeatedly, playing catch with himself] And after it's over, what do you say you and I head out back and have a game of catch? We can talk about the trouble you've been having at school and why girls are so interesting all of a sudden.

Seth MacFarlane: You know, people often ask me why there are so many pop culture refrences on the show. Well, I'll tell you. Family Guy likes to hold a mirror up to society and say, "Society, you're ugly and we don't like a lot of what you're doing." Here's just a small sampling of our distaste.

Seth MacFarlane: You know, through the years, Peter Griffin has had more jobs than you can shake a stick at. [smiling] You know, I never got that phrase, "shake a stick at." Did people in the old days shake sticks at things in large groups? [Seth and people behind the camera laugh] See, I'm the engine that drives a lot of the comedy on the show. Let's look at some of Peter's jobs.

Seth MacFarlane: We'll be right back with more Cold Case. [more to himself than to anyone else] Another awful show. And it's very tough to look at, the whole thing is just drab. And it's like it's all shot with a blue filter, and it makes everything look really gray and unappealing. And Medium, I hate Medium. Come on, everybody!

Seth MacFarlane: Well, we hope you've enjoyed this look back at the first 100 episodes of Family Guy. [holding up a glass] And here's the next 100. [a little bit agitated] And hopefully we won't get canceled for two and a half fucking years in the middle again! [smiling] Good night, America!

Stewie Kills Lois

[Stewie walks in with a wagon filled with various weapons and torturing devices]

Brian Griffin: What are you doing?

Stewie Griffin: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me! when she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her fingernails! Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed!

Brian Griffin [mildly interested]: Okay...

Stewie Griffin: Then I'm gonna make her walk on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back!

Brian Griffin [leans closer, more interested]: Uh, and then what are you gonna do?

Stewie Griffin: Uh, let's see...

Brian Griffin [eagerly]: You gonna shower her off after all that candle wax?

Stewie Griffin: No, I'm gonna keep her filthy!

Brian Griffin [lustfully]: Yeah, she's been a bad girl.

Stewie Griffin: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own underwear!₁

Brian Griffin: Oh, ho-ho!

Stewie Griffin: What?

Brian Griffin: No, no, nothing, nothing. That's-thats all part of your diabolical plan to... humiliate her!

Stewie Griffin: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated!

Brian Griffin: Maybe you'll hand-cuff her; She'll hate that.

Stewie Griffin: Then I shall do that as well!

Brian Griffin: And call her a bitch.

Stewie Griffin: Until I'm hoarse with rage!

Brian Griffin: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop ***and watch her go to town on herself?***

Stewie Griffin: Yes, and then--what?

Brian Griffin: No, I mean, that-that would, like-That, that would show her!

*************************************

Stewie Griffin: What the hell does the second part have to do with that?

Brian Griffin: No, man, it's your thing. I mean, I-I-I don't care if one hand is on her boob and the other hand is-is down there. It's-it's your... it's your project.

*************************************

Stewie Griffin: Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you?

1: [Only on Adult Swim. The FOX version uses "Brassiere" instead]

***: [Only on Adult Swim]

[after Peter tells the story of Lois' abortion trip]

Peter Griffin: Okay, explain to me what exactly I did wrong.

Lois Griffin: Peter, that story was completely inappropriate!

Peter Griffin: Well, send me the crap to Hell for being nostalgic about the early years of our marriage.

Lois Griffin: You've totally ruined this trip for me! I am mortified to even show my face around this ship!

Peter Griffin: Hey, the captain's the one who should be embarrassed. His story was gay.

Lois Griffin: [pause, then she shakes with anger] You're gay! [leaves]

*************************************

Peter Griffin: Pleasuring a man with a socked foot one time does not make a person gay!

*************************************

***: [Only on Adult Swim]

Stewie Griffin: Hello, mother. [Lois, looking out on the horizon, turns around to see Stewie standing behind her]

Lois Griffin: Stewie?! What the hell are you... how did you get here?

Stewie Griffin: Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny! [pulls out a machine gun]

Lois Griffin: What are you-wha-what are you doing with a gun?

Stewie Griffin: Something I should have done a very long time ago! [after a dramatic pause, and a camera close-up of the trigger, Stewie empties the clip into Lois. The scene turns to slow motion, as each bullet goes right through her. As he finishes, Lois falls overboard into the ocean, and sinks, leaving a cloud of blood on the way down] I DID IT! I KILLED HER! SHE'S DEAD! [runs down the deck] AH-HA-HA-HA-HA! AH-HA-HA--[falls down, and hurts his elbow] OW! Ow! [starts crying] Oww! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy--oh yeah, that's right.

Meg Griffin [crying]: Daddy, she's been missing so long! Do you think they'll ever find her?

Peter Griffin: God, I hope so, Meg.

Stewie Griffin: [with an evil smirk] Oh, yes, I'm sure they'll find her. [In his thoughts] This is fantastic! Nobody suspects a thing! Ooh, listen to my voice, that sounds cool! Helloooo! Piiigs in Spaaaaace!

Brian Griffin: Hey, where've you been?

Peter Griffin: Ah, I had another date.

Brian Griffin: You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on.

Peter Griffin: Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward.

*************************************

[cutaway to Peter sitting at a table at a restaraunt]

Peter Griffin: So I'm a Leo, and your ad said that you're a Cancer? [camera pulls back to reveal a bald, pale, and frail woman]

Cancer Patient: No, actually, it said I have cancer.

Peter Griffin: It's not cancer of the vagina, is it? [chuckles heartily] Here, have some more wine. [pours her some wine]

[back in the living room]

Peter Griffin: Then there was that date I had with that stick figure...

*************************************

[cutaway to Peter sitting at a table with a stick figure taken right from the drawing board]

Peter Griffin: So, uh, I-h-how would this work, in-in bed?

Stick Figure [in a generic man's voice]: Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job.

Peter Griffin: That, uh, that sounds--

Stick Figure: Yes, it is very unpleasant.

[back in the living room]

Peter Griffin: But the freakiest is the date I had with Bonnie.

[cutaway to a dark bedroom]

Bonnie Swanson: Peter, you don't know how badly I need this.

Peter Griffin: I-I don't know, Bonnie. It's-it's just a little weird. Joe's a friend of mine.

Bonnie Swanson: No, I-it's okay, I promise you, it's okay.

Peter Griffin: Ah, I'm not sure...

[pause]

Joe Swanson: It's okay, Peter.

***: [Only on Adult Swim. The FOX version adds the line, "My date was a stick figure" to make up for it]

Meg Griffin [preparing breakfast]: Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready for our "Mommy And Me" class. [leaves]

Stewie Griffin: you know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered.

Brian Griffin: What are you talking about? Lois' death was an accident.

Stewie Griffin: Which is what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think.

Brian Griffin: What the hell are you... [getting worried] Stewie... did you... did you kill Lois?

Stewie Griffin: Of course, I didn't, Brian. [he slowly turns his head all the way to the side as he talks] Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep!

Brian Griffin: My God. You did it! You actually did it!

Stewie Griffin: [his head is now turned past 90 degrees] Oh God, I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist?

Brian Griffin: You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!

Stewie Griffin: Good luck proving that, Brian. Now, seriously, that number?

Brian Griffin: Well, I am gonna expose you for what you are! No matter what it takes! You are gonna pay for this! [leaves]

Stewie Griffin: You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg ***up in her room.***

[cut to Meg ***sitting on her bed in her nightgown,*** holding a large pack of jumbo hot dogs ***as Starland Vocal Band' Afternoon Delight plays in the background***]

Meg Griffin: I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks]].

[later at the bar...]

Peter Griffin: Well, see you guys later. I gotta go buy hot dogs. We keep running out for some reason.

***: [Only on Adult Swim. On FOX, Stewie could hear Meg "upstairs", and Meg was standing in the hallway with the hot dogs, fully clothed, before going into her room]

Brian Griffin: I am gonna find the evidence to put you away. Starting by proving that you were on that cruise ship the night Lois disappeared!

Stewie Griffin: No, I wasn't. I was at the carnival with Rupert. Ahh, the carnival with Rupert...

[cutaway to Stewie and the man-version of Rupert seen in Stewie Loves Lois, playing a carnival game. Rupert tosses a ball at some glass bottles and wins stuffed bunny in blue pajamas]

Stewie Griffin: We won! We won! Do it again, now I want a pink one!

Rupert: Stewie, we've been playing for half an hour.

Stewie Griffin: Oh, okay. Do you wanna go ride the tea bags--tea cups? ***[pause] Tea bags?***

*** [Only on Adult Swim]

[Peter is accused of killing Lois]

Peter Griffin: Joe, you got this all wrong! Like God did when he made Rosie O'Donnell.

[cutaway to Heaven, where an angel is constructing Rosie's body. God staggers nearby, drunk, and holding a beer]

Angel: You can't put a vagina on this man!

God [drunkly]: Why not? I'm God!

Angel: Well, what do you wanna do about the breasts?

God: Ah, take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for. [takes a drink]

Carter Pewtershmidt: Peter called me right after he killed my daughter to tell me he killed my daughter.

Prosecuting Lawyer: Really? Well, that is interesting.

Carter Pewtershmidt: Yes, and as a favor to the court, I produced this simulation of how the killing transpired, I play Peter, and I hired an Asian hooker to play my daughter. [the tape is inserted, showing Carter playing Peter standing next to an Asian hooker]

Carter Pewtershmidt (as Peter): Lois, I'm fat, and I'm stupid, and I fart at times that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, and that's why I'm never invited to them!

Asian Hooker: You pay me now? [Carter pulls out a gun and shoots her off the boat. He then sifts through her purse. The jury gasps in horror]

*************************************

Carter Pewtershmidt: That's how it happened. And that Lois was no saint, either. Said she'd give me an over-under for 60 bucks. Got gypped.

*************************************

*** [Only on Adult Swim]

Prosecuting Lawyer: Mr. Griffin, do you deny killing your wife?

Peter Griffin: Of course I deny it. I love my wife. And I certainly think I'd remember killing her

Prosecuting Lawyer: Mr. Griffin, do you drink?

Peter Griffin: I plead the fifth of Jack, [laughs] No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I drink.

Prosecuting Lawyer: And have you ever struck you wife?

Peter Griffin: Only in front of the kids to assert my status as dominent male of the pride.

Prosecuting Lawyer: Are you a violent man?

Peter Griffin: [rolling up his sleeves] What are you, a wise guy?! 'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys!

Prosecuting Lawyer: No further questions.

Peter Griffin: You son of a bitch! If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you!

Judge: Mr. Foreman, how say you?

Jury Foreman: We find Peter guilty of murder in the first degree!

Peter Griffin: OH NO!

Bruce: OH NO!

Brian Griffin: OH NO!

Meg Griffin: OH NO!

Chris Griffin: OH NO! [the Kool-Aid Man bursts out of the wall like in Death Has a Shadow]

Kool-Aid-Man: OH YEAHHH! [everyone stares at him, and he backs out of the room like before]

Judge: Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh no" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up! Thank you.

[Lois appears in the courtroom, after Peter is convicted of first-degree murder]

Brian Griffin: Lois, my God, what happened?! We thought you were dead!

Chris Griffin: Mom, we thought Dad killed you!

Lois Griffin: No. He didn't, Chris. But someone tried to.

Peter Griffin: Do you remember who it was?

Lois Griffin: Yes I do. IT WAS STEWIE! [points at him]

[Cuts to Stewie; he gives Lois an evil look; screen fades to black, the words "To be continued...." fade in, then the whole thing fades out, setting the scene for the next episode, Lois Kills Stewie]

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