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Stewie Kills Lois/Quotes

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[Stewie walks in with a wagon filled with various weapons and torturing devices]
Brian Griffin: What are you doing?
Stewie Griffin: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me! When she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her fingernails! Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed!
Brian Griffin: [mildly interested] Okay...
Stewie Griffin: Then I'm gonna make her walk on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back!
Brian Griffin: [leans closer, more interested] Uh, and then what are you gonna do?
Stewie Griffin: Uh, let's see...
Brian Griffin: You gonna shower her off after all that candle wax?
Stewie Griffin: No, I'm gonna keep her filthy!
Brian Griffin: Yeah, she's been a bad girl.
Stewie Griffin: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own underwear!1
Brian Griffin: Oh, ho-ho!
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: No, no, nothing, nothing. That's-thats all part of your diabolical plan to... humiliate her!
Stewie Griffin: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated!
Brian Griffin: Maybe you'll hand-cuff her; She'll hate that.
Stewie Griffin: Then I shall do that as well!
Brian Griffin: And call her a bitch.
Stewie Griffin: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
Brian Griffin: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop and watch her go to town on herself?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, and then...what?
Brian Griffin: No, I mean, that...that would, like...That, that would show her!
Stewie Griffin: What the hell does the second part have to do with that?
Brian Griffin: No, man, it's your thing. I mean, I...I...I don't care if one hand is on her boob and the other hand is...is down there. It's...it's your... it's your project.
Stewie Griffin: Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you?

[after Peter tells the story of Lois' abortion trip]
Peter Griffin: Okay, explain to me what exactly I did wrong.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that story was completely inappropriate!
Peter Griffin: Well, send me the crap to Hell for being nostalgic about the early years of our marriage.
Lois Griffin: You've totally ruined this trip for me! I am mortified to even show my face around this ship!
Peter Griffin: Hey, the captain's the one who should be embarrassed. His story was gay.
Lois Griffin: [she shakes with anger] You're gay!
Peter: Pleasuring a man with a socked foot one time does not make a person gay!

Stewie: Hello, mother.
Lois: Stewie..? What the hell are you... How did you get here?
Stewie: Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny! [pulls out a machine gun]
Lois: What are you...wha...what are you doing with a gun?
Stewie: Something I should have done a very long time ago. [Stewie empties the clip into Lois. As he finishes, Lois falls overboard into the ocean, and sinks, leaving a cloud of blood] I did it! I killed her! She's dead! [runs down the deck] Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha... [falls down, and hurts his elbow] Ow! Ow! Oww! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh yeah, that's right.

Meg: [crying] Daddy, she's been missing so long. Do you think they'll ever find her?
Peter: God, I hope so, Meg.
Stewie : [with an evil smirk] Oh, yes, I'm sure they'll find her. [In his thoughts] This is fantastic! Nobody suspects a thing! Ooh, listen to my voice, that sounds cool! Helloooo! Piiigs in Spaaaaace!
Joe: [entering the house] Hi, Peter. Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?
[Joe and Peter walk into the kitchen]
Peter: What is it Joe? Please tell me Lois is alive.
Joe: [sighs] It's been six days, Peter. I'm sorry. But we had to call off the search. I'm afraid that you're just gonna have to except the fact that... she's gone.
Peter: Nooooooo!

Brian Griffin: Hey, where've you been?
Peter Griffin: Ah, I had another date.
Brian Griffin: You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward.
[cutaway to Peter sitting at a table at a restaurant]
Peter Griffin: So I'm a Leo, and your ad said that you're a Cancer? [screen reveals a bald, pale, and frail woman]
Cancer Patient: No, actually, it said I have cancer.
Peter Griffin: It's not cancer of the vagina, is it? [chuckles heartily] Here, have some more wine. [pours her some wine]
[back in the living room]
Peter Griffin: Then there was that date I had with that stick figure.
[cutaway to Peter sitting at a table with a stick figure taken right from the drawing board]
Peter Griffin: So, uh, I...h...how would this work, in-in bed?
Stick Figure: Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job.
Peter Griffin: That, uh, that sounds...
Stick Figure: Yes, it is very unpleasant.
[back in the living room]
Peter Griffin: But the freakiest is the date I had with Bonnie.
[cutaway to a dark bedroom]
Bonnie Swanson: Peter, you don't know how badly I need this.
Peter Griffin: I...I don't know, Bonnie. It's...it's just a little weird. Joe's a friend of mine.
Bonnie Swanson: No, I...it's okay, I promise you, it's okay.
Peter Griffin: Ah, I'm not sure...
[pause]
Joe Swanson: It's okay, Peter.

Meg Griffin: [preparing breakfast] Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready for our "Mommy And Me" class. [leaves]
Stewie Griffin: you know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered.
Brian Griffin: What are you talking about? Lois' death was an accident.
Stewie Griffin: Which is what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think.
Brian Griffin: What the hell are you... [getting worried] Stewie... did you... did you kill Lois?
Stewie Griffin: Of course, I didn't, Brian. [he slowly turns his head all the way to the side as he talks] Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep!
Brian Griffin: My God. You did it! You actually did it!
Stewie Griffin: [his head is now turned past 90 degrees] Oh God, I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist?
Brian Griffin: You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!
Stewie Griffin: Good luck proving that, Brian. Now, seriously, that number?
Brian Griffin: Well, I am gonna expose you for what you are! No matter what it takes! You are gonna pay for this! [leaves]
Stewie Griffin: You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room.
[cut to Meg]
Meg Griffin: I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.
[later at the bar]
Peter Griffin: Well, see you guys later. I gotta go buy hot dogs. We keep running out for some reason.

Brian: I am gonna find the evidence to put you away. Starting by proving that you were on that cruise ship the night Lois disappeared!
Stewie: No, I wasn't. I was at the carnival with Rupert. Ahh, the carnival with Rupert...
[cutaway to Stewie and the man-version of Rupert]
Stewie: We won! We won! [the carnival man gives him a blue stuffed rabbit] Do it again, now I want a pink one!
Rupert: Stewie, we've been playing for half an hour.
Stewie: Oh, okay. Do you wanna go ride the tea bags...tea cups? [pause] Tea bags?

Peter: Joe, you got this all wrong! Like God did when He made Rosie O'Donnell.
[cutaway to heaven, where an angel is constructing Rosie's body. God staggers nearby, drunk, and holding a beer]
Angel: You can't put a vagina on this man!
God: [drunkly] Why not? I'm God!
Angel: Well, what do You wanna do about the breasts?
God: Ah, take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.

Carter Pewtershmidt: Peter called me right after he killed my daughter to tell me he killed my daughter.
Prosecuting Lawyer: Really? Well, that is interesting.
Carter: Yes, and as a favor to the court, I produced this simulation of how the killing transpired, I play Peter, and I hired an Asian hooker to play my daughter. [the tape is inserted, showing Carter playing Peter standing next to an Asian hooker]
Carter (as Peter): Lois, I'm fat, and I'm stupid, and I fart at times that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, and that's why I'm never invited to them!
Asian Hooker: You pay me now? [Carter pulls out a gun and shoots her off the boat. He then sifts through her purse. The jury gasps in horror]
Carter: That's how it happened. And that Lois was no saint, either. Said she'd give me an over-under for 60 bucks. Got gypped.

Prosecuting Lawyer: Have you ever seen your father do anything suspicious?
Chris: Well, now that you mention it...
[cutaway to Peter picking his nose and not knowing what to do with what he has, he goes to Meg]
Peter: Hey, Meg... [sticks the booger on Meg's cap] proud of you.

Prosecuting Lawyer: Mr. Griffin, do you deny killing your wife?
Peter: Of course, I deny it. I loved my wife. And I certainly think I'd remember killing her.
Prosecuting Lawyer: Mr. Griffin, do you drink?
Peter: I plead the fifth of Jack. [laughs] No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I drink.
Prosecuting Lawyer: And have you ever struck you wife?
Peter: Only in front of the kids to assert my status as dominant male of the pride.
Prosecuting Lawyer: Are you a violent man?
Peter: [rolling up his sleeves] What are you, a wise guy?! 'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys!
Prosecuting Lawyer: No further questions.
Peter: You son of a bitch! If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you!

Judge: Mr. Foreman, how say you?
Jury Foreman: We find Peter guilty of murder in the first degree.
Peter: Oh, no!
Bruce: Oh, no!
Brian: Oh, no!
Meg: Oh, no!
Chris: Oh, no! [the Kool-Aid Man bursts out of the wall]
Kool-Aid-Man: Oh yeaahh! [everyone stares at him, and he backs out of the room]
Judge: Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up! Thank you.

[Lois appears in the courtroom, as Peter is being sentenced for first-degree murder]
Brian Griffin: Lois, my God, what happened?! We thought you were dead!
Chris Griffin: Mom, we thought Dad killed you!
Lois Griffin: No. He didn't, Chris. But someone tried to.
Peter Griffin: Do you remember who it was?
Lois Griffin: Yes I do. It was Stewie!

Stewie: Farewell, Brian, I'm off to sea. An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen; sperm whales and seamen. Oooh, a swallow.

Chris: But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping.
[cutaway to Joe dressed like Lois]
Joe: So sweetie, you ready to go get some new notebooks and protractors and slacks?
Chris: I want blue jeans.
Joe: You're getting slacks!!

Joe: I didn't know that you had life insurance on Lois. Did you get that right before the cruise?
Peter: Actually, I got it one the cruise. Right after we had that big fight when I said 'I wish you were dead'. Right before I never saw her again.

Quagmire: That fat bastard murdered Lois! That son of a bitch; he's a killer like Bernie Goetz! You know, the killer from the eighties. I used to do a bit on him back when I did stand-up.
[Flashback to a younger Quagmire doing stand-up]
Young Quagmire: Ah, what else is in the news? Oh, oh Bernie Goetz. D...Did you hear this? This guy Bernie Goetz shot a bunch of muggers on the subway. Wouldn't mind having him when I go see my mother in law. [the microphone whines]
Man in Audience: You suck!
Young Quagmire: I know.

Brian: Great! This is a bigger waste of time than Ringo's song writing.
[Cutaway to John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison]
Ringo Starr: Hey, guys I wrote a song!
Lennon, McCartney and Harrison: Oh that's great! Good, Ringo! Fantastic!
George Harrison: I'm going to put it right here, right on the refrigerator! That way we can see it every day!
Ringo: All right!

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