- [Stewie walks in with a wagon filled with various weapons and torturing devices]
- Brian Griffin: What are you doing?
- Stewie Griffin: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me! When she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her fingernails! Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed!
- Brian Griffin: [mildly interested] Okay...
- Stewie Griffin: Then I'm gonna make her walk on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back!
- Brian Griffin: [leans closer, more interested] Uh, and then what are you gonna do?
- Stewie Griffin: Uh, let's see...
- Brian Griffin: You gonna shower her off after all that candle wax?
- Stewie Griffin: No, I'm gonna keep her filthy!
- Brian Griffin: Yeah, she's been a bad girl.
- Stewie Griffin: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own underwear!1
- Brian Griffin: Oh, ho-ho!
- Stewie Griffin: What?
- Brian Griffin: No, no, nothing, nothing. That's-thats all part of your diabolical plan to... humiliate her!
- Stewie Griffin: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated!
- Brian Griffin: Maybe you'll hand-cuff her; She'll hate that.
- Stewie Griffin: Then I shall do that as well!
- Brian Griffin: And call her a bitch.
- Stewie Griffin: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
- Brian Griffin: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop and watch her go to town on herself?
- Stewie Griffin: Yes, and then...what?
- Brian Griffin: No, I mean, that...that would, like...That, that would show her!
- Stewie Griffin: What the hell does the second part have to do with that?
- Brian Griffin: No, man, it's your thing. I mean, I...I...I don't care if one hand is on her boob and the other hand is...is down there. It's...it's your... it's your project.
- Stewie Griffin: Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you?
- [after Peter tells the story of Lois' abortion trip]
- Peter Griffin: Okay, explain to me what exactly I did wrong.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, that story was completely inappropriate!
- Peter Griffin: Well, send me the crap to Hell for being nostalgic about the early years of our marriage.
- Lois Griffin: You've totally ruined this trip for me! I am mortified to even show my face around this ship!
- Peter Griffin: Hey, the captain's the one who should be embarrassed. His story was gay.
- Lois Griffin: [she shakes with anger] You're gay!
- Peter: Pleasuring a man with a socked foot one time does not make a person gay!
- Stewie: Hello, mother.
- Lois: Stewie..? What the hell are you... How did you get here?
- Stewie: Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny! [pulls out a machine gun]
- Lois: What are you...wha...what are you doing with a gun?
- Stewie: Something I should have done a very long time ago. [Stewie empties the clip into Lois. As he finishes, Lois falls overboard into the ocean, and sinks, leaving a cloud of blood] I did it! I killed her! She's dead! [runs down the deck] Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha... [falls down, and hurts his elbow] Ow! Ow! Oww! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh yeah, that's right.
- Meg: [crying] Daddy, she's been missing so long. Do you think they'll ever find her?
- Peter: God, I hope so, Meg.
- Stewie : [with an evil smirk] Oh, yes, I'm sure they'll find her. [In his thoughts] This is fantastic! Nobody suspects a thing! Ooh, listen to my voice, that sounds cool! Helloooo! Piiigs in Spaaaaace!
- Joe: [entering the house] Hi, Peter. Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?
- [Joe and Peter walk into the kitchen]
- Peter: What is it Joe? Please tell me Lois is alive.
- Joe: [sighs] It's been six days, Peter. I'm sorry. But we had to call off the search. I'm afraid that you're just gonna have to except the fact that... she's gone.
- Peter: Nooooooo!
- Brian Griffin: Hey, where've you been?
- Peter Griffin: Ah, I had another date.
- Brian Griffin: You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on.
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward.
- [cutaway to Peter sitting at a table at a restaurant]
- Peter Griffin: So I'm a Leo, and your ad said that you're a Cancer? [screen reveals a bald, pale, and frail woman]
- Cancer Patient: No, actually, it said I have cancer.
- Peter Griffin: It's not cancer of the vagina, is it? [chuckles heartily] Here, have some more wine. [pours her some wine]
- [back in the living room]
- Peter Griffin: Then there was that date I had with that stick figure.
- [cutaway to Peter sitting at a table with a stick figure taken right from the drawing board]
- Peter Griffin: So, uh, I...h...how would this work, in-in bed?
- Stick Figure: Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job.
- Peter Griffin: That, uh, that sounds...
- Stick Figure: Yes, it is very unpleasant.
- [back in the living room]
- Peter Griffin: But the freakiest is the date I had with Bonnie.
- [cutaway to a dark bedroom]
- Bonnie Swanson: Peter, you don't know how badly I need this.
- Peter Griffin: I...I don't know, Bonnie. It's...it's just a little weird. Joe's a friend of mine.
- Bonnie Swanson: No, I...it's okay, I promise you, it's okay.
- Peter Griffin: Ah, I'm not sure...
- [pause]
- Joe Swanson: It's okay, Peter.
- Meg Griffin: [preparing breakfast] Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready for our "Mommy And Me" class. [leaves]
- Stewie Griffin: you know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered.
- Brian Griffin: What are you talking about? Lois' death was an accident.
- Stewie Griffin: Which is what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think.
- Brian Griffin: What the hell are you... [getting worried] Stewie... did you... did you kill Lois?
- Stewie Griffin: Of course, I didn't, Brian. [he slowly turns his head all the way to the side as he talks] Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep!
- Brian Griffin: My God. You did it! You actually did it!
- Stewie Griffin: [his head is now turned past 90 degrees] Oh God, I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist?
- Brian Griffin: You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!
- Stewie Griffin: Good luck proving that, Brian. Now, seriously, that number?
- Brian Griffin: Well, I am gonna expose you for what you are! No matter what it takes! You are gonna pay for this! [leaves]
- Stewie Griffin: You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room.
- [cut to Meg]
- Meg Griffin: I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.
- [later at the bar]
- Peter Griffin: Well, see you guys later. I gotta go buy hot dogs. We keep running out for some reason.
- Brian: I am gonna find the evidence to put you away. Starting by proving that you were on that cruise ship the night Lois disappeared!
- Stewie: No, I wasn't. I was at the carnival with Rupert. Ahh, the carnival with Rupert...
- [cutaway to Stewie and the man-version of Rupert]
- Stewie: We won! We won! [the carnival man gives him a blue stuffed rabbit] Do it again, now I want a pink one!
- Rupert: Stewie, we've been playing for half an hour.
- Stewie: Oh, okay. Do you wanna go ride the tea bags...tea cups? [pause] Tea bags?
- Peter: Joe, you got this all wrong! Like God did when He made Rosie O'Donnell.
- [cutaway to heaven, where an angel is constructing Rosie's body. God staggers nearby, drunk, and holding a beer]
- Angel: You can't put a vagina on this man!
- God: [drunkly] Why not? I'm God!
- Angel: Well, what do You wanna do about the breasts?
- God: Ah, take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.
- Carter Pewtershmidt: Peter called me right after he killed my daughter to tell me he killed my daughter.
- Prosecuting Lawyer: Really? Well, that is interesting.
- Carter: Yes, and as a favor to the court, I produced this simulation of how the killing transpired, I play Peter, and I hired an Asian hooker to play my daughter. [the tape is inserted, showing Carter playing Peter standing next to an Asian hooker]
- Carter (as Peter): Lois, I'm fat, and I'm stupid, and I fart at times that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, and that's why I'm never invited to them!
- Asian Hooker: You pay me now? [Carter pulls out a gun and shoots her off the boat. He then sifts through her purse. The jury gasps in horror]
- Carter: That's how it happened. And that Lois was no saint, either. Said she'd give me an over-under for 60 bucks. Got gypped.
- Prosecuting Lawyer: Have you ever seen your father do anything suspicious?
- Chris: Well, now that you mention it...
- [cutaway to Peter picking his nose and not knowing what to do with what he has, he goes to Meg]
- Peter: Hey, Meg... [sticks the booger on Meg's cap] proud of you.
- Prosecuting Lawyer: Mr. Griffin, do you deny killing your wife?
- Peter: Of course, I deny it. I loved my wife. And I certainly think I'd remember killing her.
- Prosecuting Lawyer: Mr. Griffin, do you drink?
- Peter: I plead the fifth of Jack. [laughs] No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I drink.
- Prosecuting Lawyer: And have you ever struck you wife?
- Peter: Only in front of the kids to assert my status as dominant male of the pride.
- Prosecuting Lawyer: Are you a violent man?
- Peter: [rolling up his sleeves] What are you, a wise guy?! 'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys!
- Prosecuting Lawyer: No further questions.
- Peter: You son of a bitch! If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you!
- Judge: Mr. Foreman, how say you?
- Jury Foreman: We find Peter guilty of murder in the first degree.
- Peter: Oh, no!
- Bruce: Oh, no!
- Brian: Oh, no!
- Meg: Oh, no!
- Chris: Oh, no! [the Kool-Aid Man bursts out of the wall]
- Kool-Aid-Man: Oh yeaahh! [everyone stares at him, and he backs out of the room]
- Judge: Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showing up! Thank you.
- [Lois appears in the courtroom, as Peter is being sentenced for first-degree murder]
- Brian Griffin: Lois, my God, what happened?! We thought you were dead!
- Chris Griffin: Mom, we thought Dad killed you!
- Lois Griffin: No. He didn't, Chris. But someone tried to.
- Peter Griffin: Do you remember who it was?
- Lois Griffin: Yes I do. It was Stewie!
- Stewie: Farewell, Brian, I'm off to sea. An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen; sperm whales and seamen. Oooh, a swallow.
- Chris: But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping.
- [cutaway to Joe dressed like Lois]
- Joe: So sweetie, you ready to go get some new notebooks and protractors and slacks?
- Chris: I want blue jeans.
- Joe: You're getting slacks!!
- Joe: I didn't know that you had life insurance on Lois. Did you get that right before the cruise?
- Peter: Actually, I got it one the cruise. Right after we had that big fight when I said 'I wish you were dead'. Right before I never saw her again.
- Quagmire: That fat bastard murdered Lois! That son of a bitch; he's a killer like Bernie Goetz! You know, the killer from the eighties. I used to do a bit on him back when I did stand-up.
- [Flashback to a younger Quagmire doing stand-up]
- Young Quagmire: Ah, what else is in the news? Oh, oh Bernie Goetz. D...Did you hear this? This guy Bernie Goetz shot a bunch of muggers on the subway. Wouldn't mind having him when I go see my mother in law. [the microphone whines]
- Man in Audience: You suck!
- Young Quagmire: I know.
- Brian: Great! This is a bigger waste of time than Ringo's song writing.
- [Cutaway to John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison]
- Ringo Starr: Hey, guys I wrote a song!
- Lennon, McCartney and Harrison: Oh that's great! Good, Ringo! Fantastic!
- George Harrison: I'm going to put it right here, right on the refrigerator! That way we can see it every day!
- Ringo: All right!
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