Dr. Hartman: Well, you're 42 years old, and it says here you've never had a prostate exam!
Peter Griffin: No, but I've had other exams. Like that one in college.
[cutaway to Peter in a college schoolroom, with his head down]
Peter Griffin: Damn it, this is too hard! [throws his pencil off the table] Here's what I think of your test, Mr. Teacher! [walks up to his teacher, rips the test paper in half, rubs it against his butt and throws it on the floor]
Teacher: You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test.
[Peter gasps and shakes hands with the teacher. He is then shown running across the college grounds until he runs into a flock of birds. He jumps with them, and the scene freezes there]
Peter Griffin: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Hartman: OK, heart sounds good... alright Mr. Griffin, I just gonna need you to drop your pants and we'll check your prostate.
Peter Griffin: Umm...What?
Dr. Hartman: Drop your pants, turn around and lean forward.
Peter Griffin: Umm...OK.
[Peter pulls his pants and underpants down as Dr. Hartman puts on a rubber glove]
Peter Griffin: So, how's this work? You just feel my pulse, or...AAAAAAAHHHHHH! [screams, flailing and crashes a shelf] WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, you had your finger in my ass!
Dr. Hartman: That's how a prostate exam is performed. Now if you'll just let me...
Peter Griffin: GET AWAY FROM ME! [runs out of the room crying, with only his pants around his ankles, then out of the hospital, then past Mayor West on a park bench]
Mayor Adam West: Ugh...get a tan.
Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin[slowly]: I was raped.
Lois Griffin[chuckles]: What?
Peter Griffin: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois Griffin[chuckles harder]: W...What? [Peter whispers in her ear]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
Peter Griffin: YOU SOUND JUST LIKE HIM! [runs off, sobbing]
Lois Griffin: Fuckin' idiot.
Brian Griffin: Hey, Peter, buddy, how about some TV, huh? [switches on TV]
TV Presenter: We now return to Freddie Got Fingered.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God! [changes the channel. It is "E.T.", the title character says "Ouch..." and he is holding his finger out] OH GOD!!
Commercial voice-over man: Yellow pages. Let your fingers do the walking.
Peter Griffin: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH [descends into tears, runs upstairs and passes Chris with a foam hand on]
Chris Griffin: Are we still going to the baseball game?
Peter Griffin: Get that away from me Chris! [continues to run, crying. Passes Chris's room, where the Evil Monkey has just emerged and he points threateningly at Peter] Stop it, Meg!
Peter Griffin: Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday and...he did things to my fanny!
Cleveland Brown: Peter, It's okay.
Peter Griffin: It's not okay! You don't know what it's like!
Cleveland Brown: You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts!.
Peter Griffin: He...he did it to you, too?
Glenn Quagmire: I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig...for his sexual experimentation!
Joe Swanson: You guys are a bunch of queers. [leaves, then comes back crying] And so am I! Oh God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but DAMN IT, THEY DON'T MAKE WATER HOT ENOUGH!
Peter Griffin: My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here. I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No if's, and's, or but's. I'm gonna be really anal about this. Sphincter.
Stewie Griffin: Good morning, Lois.
Lois Griffin: My, Stewie, you're in a good mood today.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, why shouldn't I be? You saved Rupert's life and I love you for it. So warn the villagers. Here comes the cuddle monster.
Peter Griffin: Oh, Lois, your breasts are great. Well, good morning, Mr. Nipple. Hey, there. Must be cold in here. What do you say we move south a little bit? There we go. Oh, you are so ready.
Stewie Griffin: I love you, Lois. You know that, right? Just in case, I'll say it again. I love you.
Lois Griffin: Oh, you are just so cute, sweetie. Look at that little foot. I'm gonna eat that foot. [Stewie laughs] Give me that foot. It looks delicious.
Stewie Griffin: Don't eat my foot. Oh, God. Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious. Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt!
Lois Griffin: Sit right there, honey. Mommy will go get Rupert so he can eat with you.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, God. Thoughtful.
Brian Griffin: Hey, Lois. I made coffee if you want some.
Lois Griffin: Oh, thank you, Brian. That'd be nice.
Stewie Griffin: Uh, hey, Brian, I've got a favor to ask. Could you, uh, could you not talk to Lois any more?
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: You know, it's just that I'm...I'm tired of you hitting on her, that's all. That's, I mean, it's not cool.
Brian Griffin: I was just making coffee, I didn't hit on her. Besides, Lois is my friend. I'll do whatever the hell I want.
Stewie Griffin: I'm asking you nicely Brian, stop hitting on her.
Brian Griffin: That's ridiculous! I mean, just because you're a little mama's boy now it means you're monopolising all her time so nobody else can get a shot at her? You know what? Fine. Just a little, I DO hit on Lois!
Stewie Griffin I see the way you look at her! I see it! And it's gonna stop! Lois is my queen now! And listen you! Te mato perro feo. ¿Me entiendes estúpido? ¡Tu eres un imbecil, te odio! odio!
Brian Griffin: And another...what?
Stewie Griffin: Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sábado Gigante last night.
Stewie Griffin: Lois, you know what we should do? We should play restaurant with my Play-Doh. I'll make you a hamburger. Perhaps I'll make it blue. Oh, can you imagine such a world?
Lois Griffin: Stewie, I love you, but you're wearing Mommy out. Now, it's time for bed.
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Lois, I have a secret for you. [Stewie whispers in Lois' ear] You're awesome.
Tom Tucker: Our top story, a local woman loses her sex drive after a $125 dinner at Alfredo's.
Diane Simmons: But first, in medical news, Dr. Elmer Hartman, belovrd family doctor to all of Quahog, is the target of a molestation lawsuit.
Tom Tucker: The trial is set to begins tomorrow. We now return you to Native American What's Happening!!.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I don't know how much more I can take. Stewie used to be so independent, but now he clings to me night and day. I'm exhausted.
Peter Griffin: Oh, look at me. "I'm Lois. The sun revolves around me." I'm the one going to court tomorrow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, Isn't there anything I can do to talk you out of this lawsuit?
Peter Griffin: Hey, I was violated sexually and that man is gonna pay.
Lois Griffin: And I suppose it wouldn't matter if I told you for the 50th time that it's a legitimate medical procedure to test for cancer?
Stewie Griffin: I have so much fun when we hang out, Lois. And I love your hair. We should make up a name for your hair color. We could call it, like, like, "Strawberry Sunset" or "Ginger Maiden". Or one of those hair-color names that's a random noun like, "Temptress". Oh, at some point you have to let me braid it. Lois, what are you doing? Aargh!
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him under water. I'm just like Barbara Bush!
Lois Griffin: Brian, what kind of a mother has homicidal thoughts about her own baby? I'm a horrible person.
Brian Griffin: Lois, you're just exhausted. Some how you've got to break Stewie of this new overdependence on you.
Lois Griffin: Well, it's worth a try.
Stewie Griffin: Lois, I've got a surprise for you. You and I are going to see Eddie Money! Two tickets, won them on the radio. We're gonna have a ball.
Brian Griffin: He's like a totally different person, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu.
Mr. Sulu: Oh, no. I never should have drunk those chemicals. Hello.
Joe Swanson: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.
Glenn Quagmire: Yeah, what gives?
Seamus: If it's gale-force peeing ye be doin' it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks.
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute. A-are you telling me I need a prostate exam?
Seamus: Aye. And soon before your rudder jams with flotsam and you're dropping anchor without an order from the captain. How are you liking all these nautical puns?
Joe Swanson: Cute.
Glenn Quagmire: Not bad.
Cleveland Brown: Somewhat entertaining.
Peter Griffin: My god, I'd better see a doctor!
Joe Swanson: But no doctor in town will see you after that lawsuit.
Peter Griffin: Well, then I'll just find a doctor out of town.
Peter Griffin[now in a high-tech room]: Listen, uh, I know i'm not a regular patient but I think I have some trouble with my prostate. So can you help me out, Dr. McCoy?
McCoy: What, so you can sue me too?
Peter Griffin: Oh come on, it'll only take a sec.
McCoy: Forget it. I'm a doctor, not a patsy.
Mr. Sulu[walking past]: Hello-o.
Stewie Griffin: Lois, what are you doing? I want to sleep in your bed.
Lois Griffin: Good night, honey. I love you. This is for your own good.
Stewie Griffin: Lois, wh...wh...where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me. (Lois close the door) DAMN YOU! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED! GET BACK IN HERE! GET BACK IN HERE AND LOVE ME! [Screams] LLLOOOOIIIIISSSSSS!!!
Lois Griffin: Meybe I should go in. He's so upset.
Brian Griffin: He's just being melodramatic. You've gotta ignore it if you want to help him.
Lois Griffin: Are you flexing?
Brian Griffin: What? Me? No. Why would I be flexing? I mean, I have sort of been hitting the gym, so if you wanted to see how it's going... GA-DOOGE!
Stewie Griffin: I need her love. I need her love and she's ignoring me. Well, let's see her try to ignore this. Lois, help! I ate this whole jar of pills that look like candy and now I feel sick.
Brian Griffin: You look like a jackass.
Stewie Griffin: Can't hear you, Brian. I'm dead.
Brian Griffin: All right.
Stewie Griffin: What did you do? Oh, that is so not cool.
Stewie Griffin: Mommy! I'm dying! I'm dying! I said I'm dying! Hey! I'm dying up here! What is this, a Tommy Lee pool party? Come on, Lois. Get with... Aargh! [sobs] Oww!
Lois Griffin: [Gasp] Oh, my God, Stewie! Are you all right? Oh, my sweet baby. And to think I ignored your cries for attention. I'm so sorry, honey. Never again, Stewie. I'm gonna give you all the love could ever want.
Stewie Griffin: Forget it, you swag-bellied measle! You had your chance and you blew it. Well now, you're too late. I hope they charge you with child abuse for my broken arm. I'll testify against you, just like I did against Michael Jackson.
[flashback to Stewie in a courtroom]
Prosecutor: Stewie, did Mr. Jackson behave inappropriately toward you?
Stewie Griffin: Well yes, but the worst part was he never called back. No, but in all seriousness, yeah, he was actually pretty aggressive.
Peter Griffin: Uh, package for Dr. Hartman.
Dr. Hartman: Alright, where's the package?
Peter Griffin: Here it is. Uh, so, why don't you go ahead and open it up, and reach on in there? It's probably cookies or something.
Dr. Hartman: [starts to reach for the package, but stops] Wait a minute, there's something strange about this. I wasn't expecting any package. Who are you? Griffin!
Peter Griffin: You gotta help me, Dr. Hartman. I think there may actually be something wrong with my prostate!
Dr. Hartman: Well, don't look at me! I lost my license thanks to you.
Peter Griffin: Look, I...I know what I did was wrong. But, you're the only one I can turn to. So, I'm asking you. As a man with no more options... will you take a look in my ass?
Dr. Hartman: Despite everything that's happened, I suppose I can't ignore my Hippocratic Oath. Alright, drop your pants. [Peter pulls his pants and underpants down. Dr. Hartman puts on a rubber glove] Oh, well this is nothing. Just a little swelling. Probably a minor infection. Looks like there's some blockage. What the devil is that?
Mr. Sulu: Hello...
Peter Griffin: And to think I actually thought you raped me.
Dr. Hartman: Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room!
Peter Griffin: What?!
Dr. Hartman: Ehhhhhhhhhhh!
Peter Griffin: Ehhhhhhhhhhh!
[Peter is in the bathroom, slashing his hair off]
Peter: [To his reflection] Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he?! You're a whore! (Begins to scribble over his face with lipstick) Wear your whore make-up, you whore!
Chris: [off screen] Is someone in there?
Peter: Ocupado!. Filthy Whore! You're somebody's father you Filthy Whore!
Elderly Woman: You're a monster.
Peter: You know what was a monster? Frampton Comes Alive, 1976. Is there anyone you knew who didn't have that record? I don't think so.
Peter: I'm not gonna stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps.
[Scene cuts to Kermit playing his banjo in the swamp as seen in "The Muppet Movie". A black man rows by in a rowboat]
Black Man: Excuse me, do you know how to get to town?
Kermit: Yeah, it's back the way you came.
Meg: You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case, no matter how frivolous.
Peter: Yeah, yeah...
Chris: And...and they also have an Orange Julius. [pause] Just...just trying to keep the conversation going.
Peter: Family Guy was recorded on tape before a live audience.