Wikia

Family Guy Wiki

Stewie Loves Lois/Quotes

Talk0
4,932pages on
this wiki

< Stewie Loves Lois

Brian: Stewie loves Lois!
Stewie: Brian loves Olympia Dukakis!
Brian: Oh yeah, I do.

Dr. Hartman: Well, you're 42 years old, and it says here you've never had a prostate exam!
Peter Griffin: No, but I've had other exams. Like that one in college.
(cutaway to Peter in a college schoolroom, with his head down)
Peter Griffin: Damn it, this is too hard! [throws his pencil off the table] Here's what I think of your test, Mr. Teacher! [walks up to his teacher, rips the test paper in half, rubs it against his butt and throws it on the floor]
Teacher: You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test.
(Peter gasps and shakes hands with the teacher. He is then shown running across the college grounds until he runs into a flock of birds. He jumps with them, and the scene freezes there)
Peter Griffin: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Hartman: OK, heart sounds good... alright Mr. Griffin, I just gonna need you to drop your pants and we'll check your prostate.
Peter Griffin: Umm...What?
Dr. Hartman: Drop your pants, turn around and lean forward.
Peter Griffin: Umm...OK.
(Peter pulls his pants and underpants down as Dr. Hartman puts on a rubber glove)
Peter Griffin: So, how's this work? You just feel my pulse, or...AAAAAAAHHHHHH! (screams, flailing and crashes a shelf) WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, you had your finger in my ass!
Dr. Hartman: That's how a prostate exam is performed. Now if you'll just let me...
Peter Griffin: GET AWAY FROM ME! (runs out of the room crying, with only his pants around his ankles, then out of the hospital, then past Mayor West on a park bench)
Mayor Adam West: Ugh...get a tan.

Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin [slowly]: I was raped.
Lois Griffin [chuckles]: What?
Peter Griffin: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois Griffin (chuckles harder): W-What? (Peter whispers in her ear)
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
Peter Griffin: YOU SOUND JUST LIKE HIM! (runs off, sobbing)
Lois Griffin: Fuckin' idiot.

Brian Griffin: Hey, Peter, buddy, how about some TV, huh? (switches on TV)
TV Presenter: We now return to Freddie Got Fingered.
Peter Griffin: Oh, god! (changes the channel - it is E.T., the title character says "Ouch..." and he is holding his finger out) OH GOD!!
Commercial voice-over man: Yellow pages. Let your fingers do the walking.
Peter Griffin: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH (descends into tears, runs upstairs - passes Chris with a foam hand on)
Chris Griffin: Are we still going to the baseball game?
Peter Griffin: Get that away from me Chris! (continues to run, crying. Passes Chris's room, where the Evil Monkey has just emerged - he points threateningly at Peter) Stop it, Meg!

Peter Griffin: Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday and...he did things to my fanny!
Cleveland Brown: Peter, It's okay.
Peter Griffin: It's not okay! You don't know what it's like!
Cleveland Brown: You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts!.
Peter Griffin: He...he did it to you, too?
Glenn Quagmire: I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig-- for his sexual experimentation!
Joe Swanson: You guys are a bunch of queers. (leaves, then comes back crying) And so am I! Oh God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but DAMN IT, THEY DON'T MAKE WATER HOT ENOUGH!
Peter Griffin: My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here. I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No if's, and's, or but's. I'm gonna be really anal about this. Sphincter.

Stewie Griffin: Good morning, Lois.
Lois Griffin: My, Stewie, you're in a good mood today.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, why shouldn't I be? You saved Rupert's life and I love you for it. So warn the villagers. Here comes the cuddle monster.
Peter Griffin: Oh, Lois, your breasts are great. Well, good morning, Mr. Nipple. Hey, there. Must be cold in here. What do you say we move south a little bit? There we go. Oh, you are so ready.

Stewie Griffin: I love you, Lois. You know that, right? Just in case, I'll say it again. I love you.
Lois Griffin: Oh, you are just so cute, sweetie. Look at that little foot. I'm gonna eat that foot. (Stewie laugh) Give me that foot. It looks delicious.
Stewie Griffin: Don't eat my foot. Oh, God. Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious. Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt!
Lois Griffin: Sit right there, honey. Mommy will go get Rupert so he can eat with you.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, God. Thoughtful.
Brian Griffin: Hey, Lois. I made coffee if you want some.
Lois Griffin: Oh, thank you, Brian. That'd be nice.
Stewie Griffin: Uh, hey, Brian, I've got a favor to ask. Could you, uh, could you not talk to Lois any more?
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: You know, it's just that I'm...I'm tired of you hitting on her, that's all. That's, I mean, it's not cool.
Brian Griffin: I was just making coffee, I didn't hit on her. Besides, Lois is my friend. I'll do whatever the hell I want.
Stewie Griffin: I'm asking you nicely Brian, stop hitting on her.
Brian Griffin: That's ridiculous! I mean, just because you're a little mama's boy now it means you're monopolising all her time so nobody else can get a shot at her? You know what? Fine. Just a little, I DO hit on Lois!
Stewie Griffin I see the way you look at her! I see it! And it's gonna stop! Lois is my queen now! And listen you! Te mato perro feo. ¿Me entiendes estúpido? ¡Tu eres un imbecil, te odio! odio!
Brian Griffin: And another...what?
Stewie Griffin: Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sábado Gigante last night.

Stewie Griffin: Lois, you know what we should do? We should play restaurant with my Play-Doh. I'll make you a hamburger. Perhaps I'll make it blue. Oh, can you imagine such a world?
Lois Griffin: Stewie, I love you, but you're wearing Mommy out. Now, it's time for bed.
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Lois, I have a secret for you. (Stewie whispers in Lois' ear) You're awesome.
Tom Tucker: Our top story, a local woman loses her sex drive after a $125 dinner at Alfredo's.
Diane Simmons: But first, in medical news, Dr. Elmer Hartman, belovrd family doctor to all fo Quahog, is the target of a molestation lawsuit.
Tom Tucker: The trial is set to begins tomorrow. We now return you to "Native American What's Happening!!"

Lois Griffin: Peter, I don't know how much more I can take. Stewie used to be so independent, but now he clings to me night and day. I'm exhausted.
Peter Griffin: Oh, look at me. "I'm Lois. The sun revolves around me." I'm the one going to court tomorrow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, Isn't there anything I can do to talk you out of this lawsuit?
Peter Griffin: Hey, I was violated sexually and that man is gonna pay.
Lois Griffin: And I suppose it wouldn't matter if I told you for the 50th time that it's a legitimate medical procedure to test for cancer?
Stewie Griffin: Lois!
(Lois sighs)
Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois Griffin: WHAT!?
Stewie Griffin: Hi.

Stewie Griffin: I have so much fun when we hang out, Lois. And I love your hair. We should make up a name for your hair colour. We could call it, like, like, "Strawberry Sunset" or "Ginger Maiden". Or one of those hair-colour names that's a random noun like, "Temptress". Oh, at some point you have to let me braid it. Lois, what are you doing? Aargh! (Screams)
Lois Griffin: (Gasp then Pant) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him under water. I'm just like Barbara Bush!

Lois Griffin: Brian, what kind of a mother has homicidal thoughts about her own baby? I'm a horrible person.
Brian Griffin: Lois, you're just exhausted. Some how you've got to break Stewie of this new overdependence on you.
Lois Griffin: Well, it's worth a try.
Stewie Griffin: Lois, I've got a surprise for you. You and I are going to see Eddie Money! Two tickets, won them on the radio. We're gonna have a ball.
Brian Griffin: He's like a totally different person, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sulu.
(Cutaway)
Mr. Sulu: Oh, no. I never should have drunk those chemicals. Hello.

Joe Swanson: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.
Glenn Quagmire: Yeah, what gives?
Seamus: If it's gale-force peeing ye be doin' it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks.
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute. A-are you telling me I need a prostate exam?
Seamus: Aye. And soon before your rudder jams with flotsam and you're dropping anchor without an order from the captain. How are you liking all these nautical puns?
Joe Swanson: Cute.
Glenn Quagmire: Not bad.
Cleveland Brown: Somewhat entertaining.
Peter Griffin: My god, I'd better see a doctor!
Joe Swanson: But no doctor in town will see you after that lawsuit.
Peter Griffin: Well, then I'll just find a doctor out of town.
Peter Griffin [now in a high-tech room]: Listen, uh, I know i'm not a regular patient but I think I have some trouble with my prostate. So can you help me out, Dr. McCoy?
McCoy: What, so you can sue me too?
Peter Griffin: Oh come on, it'll only take a sec.
McCoy: Forget it. I'm a doctor, not a patsy.
Mr. Sulu [walking past]: Hello-o.

Stewie Griffin: Lois, what are you doing? I want to sleep in your bed.
Lois Griffin: Good night, honey. I love you. This is for your own good.
Stewie Griffin: Lois, wh-wh-where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me. (Lois close the door) DAMN YOU! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED! GET BACK IN HERE! GET BACK IN HERE AND LOVE ME! (Screams) LLLOOOOIIIIISSSSSS!!!
Lois Griffin: Meybe I should go in. He's so upset.
Brian Griffin: He's just being melodramatic. You've gotta ignore it if you want to help him.
Lois Griffin: Are you flexing?
Brian Griffin: What? Me? No. Why would I be flexing? I mean, I have sort of been hitting the gym, so if you wanted to see how it's going... GA-DOOGE!

Stewie Griffin: I need her love. I need her love and she's ignoring me. Well, let's see her try to ignore this. Lois, help! I ate this whole jar of pills that look like candy and now I feel sick.
Brian Griffin: You look like a jackass.
Stewie Griffin: Can't hear you, Brian. I'm dead.
Brian Griffin: All right.
Stewie Griffin: What did you do? Oh, that is so not cool.

Stewie Griffin: Mommy! I'm dying! I'm dying! I said I'm dying! Hey! I'm dying up here! What is this, a Tommy Lee pool party? Come on, Lois. Get with... Aargh! (sobs) Oww!
Lois Griffin: (Gasp) Oh, my God, Stewie! Are you all right? Oh, my sweet baby. And to think I ignored your cries for attention. I'm so sorry, honey. Never again, Stewie. I'm gonna give you all the love could ever want.
Stewie Griffin: Forget it, you swag-bellied measle! You had your chance and you blew it. Well now, you're too late. I hope they charge you with child abuse for my broken arm. I'll testify against you, just like I did against Michael Jackson.

(flashback to Stewie in a courtroom)

Prosecutor: Stewie, did Mr. Jackson behave inappropriately toward you?
Stewie Griffin: Well yes, but the worst part was he never called back. No, but in all seriousness, yeah, he was actually pretty aggressive.

Peter Griffin: Uh, package for Dr. Hartman.
Dr. Hartman: Alright, where's the package?
Peter Griffin: Here it is. Uh, so, why don't you go ahead and open it up, and reach on in there? It's probably cookies or something.
Dr. Hartman: (starts to reach for the package, but stops) Wait a minute, there's something strange about this. I wasn't expecting any package. Who are you? Griffin!
Peter Griffin: You gotta help me, Dr. Hartman. I think there may actually be something wrong with my prostate!
Dr. Hartman: Well, don't look at me! I lost my license thanks to you.
Peter Griffin: Look, I-I know what I did was wrong. But, you're the only one I can turn to. So, I'm asking you. As a man with no more options... will you take a look in my ass?
Dr. Hartman: Despite everything that's happened, I suppose I can't ignore my Hippocratic Oath. Alright, drop your pants. (Peter pulls his pants and underpants down. Dr. Hartman puts on a rubber glove) Oh, well this is nothing. Just a little swelling. Probably a minor infection. Looks like there's some blockage. What the devil is that?
Mr. Sulu: Hello...

Peter Griffin: And to think I actually thought you raped me.
Dr. Hartman: Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room!
Peter Griffin: What?!
Dr. Hartman: Ehhhhhhhhhhh!
Peter Griffin: Ehhhhhhhhhhh!

(Peter is in the bathroom, slashing his hair off)
Peter: (To his reflection) Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he?! You're a whore! (Begins to scribble over his face with lipstick) Wear your whore make-up, you whore!
Chris:(off screen) Is someone in there?
Peter: Ocupado. Filthy Whore! You're somebody's father you Filthy Whore!

Elderly Woman: You're a monster.
Peter: You know what was a monster? Frampton Comes Alive, 1976. Is there anyone you knew who didn't have that record? I don't think so.

Peter: I'm not gonna stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps.
(Scene cuts to Kermit playing his banjo in the swamp as seen in The Muppet Movie. A black man rows by in a rowboat)
Black Man: Excuse me, do you know how to get to town?
Kermit: Yeah, it's back the way you came.

Meg: You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case, no matter how frivolous.
Peter: Yeah, yeah...
Chris: And-and they also have an Orange Julius. (pause) Just-just trying to keep the conversation going.

Peter: Family Guy was recorded on tape before a live audience.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Stewie Loves Lois's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes

Advertisement | Your ad here

Around Wikia's network

Random Wiki