Stewie Loves Lois/Quotes

Brian: Stewie loves Lois!

Stewie: Brian loves Olympia Dukakis!

Brian: Oh yeah, I do.

Dr. Hartman: Well, you're 42 years old, and it says here you've never had a prostate exam!

Peter Griffin: No, but I've had other exams. Like that one in college.

[cutaway to Peter in a college schoolroom, with his head down]

Peter Griffin: Damn it, this is too hard! [throws his pencil off the table] Here's what I think of your test, Mr. Teacher! [walks up to his teacher, rips the test paper in half, rubs it against his butt and throws it on the floor]

Teacher: You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test.

[Peter gasps and shakes hands with the teacher. He is then shown running across the college grounds until he runs into a flock of birds. He jumps with them, and the scene freezes there]

Peter Griffin: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

[Peter pulls his pants and underpants down as Dr. Hartman puts on a rubber glove]

Peter Griffin: So, how's this work? You just feel my pulse, or-AAAAAAAHHHHHH! [screams, flailing and crashes a shelf] WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?

Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam.

Peter Griffin: Shut up, you had your finger in my ass!

Dr. Hartman: That's how a prostate exam is performed. Now if you'll just let me-

Peter Griffin: GET AWAY FROM ME! [runs out of the room crying, with only his pants around his ankles, then out of the hospital, then past Mayor West on a park bench]

[Brief silence]

Mayor Adam West: Ugh...get a tan.

Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?

Peter Griffin [slowly]: I was raped.

Lois Griffin [chuckles]: What?

Peter Griffin: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.

Lois Griffin [chuckles harder]: W-What? [Peter whispers in her ear]

Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.

Peter Griffin: YOU SOUND JUST LIKE HIM! [runs off, sobbing]

Lois Griffin: Fuckin' idiot.

Brian Griffin: Hey, Peter, buddy, how about soe TV, huh? [switches on TV]

TV Presenter: We now return to Freddie Got Fingered.

Peter Griffin: Oh, god! [changes channel - it is E.T. and he is holding his finger out] OH GOD!!

Comercial voce-over man: Yellow pages. Let your fingers do the walking.

Peter Griffin: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH [descends into tears, runs upstairs - passes Chris with a foam hand on]

Chris Griffin: Are we still going to the baseball game?

Peter Griffin: Get that away from me Chris! [continues to run, crying. Passes Chris's room, where the evil monkey has just emerged - he points threateningly at Peter] Stop it, Meg! [continues to run and cry, leaving the monkey dumbfounded]

Peter Griffin: Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday and...he did things to my fanny! [cries]

Cleveland Brown: Peter, It's okay.

Peter Griffin: It's not okay! You don't know what it's like!

Cleveland Brown: You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts!.

Peter Griffin: He...he did it to you, too?

Glenn Quagmire: I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig-- for his sexual experimentation!

Joe Swanson: You guys are a bunch of queers. [leaves, then comes back crying] And so am I! Oh God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but DAMN IT, THEY DON'T MAKE WATER HOT ENOUGH!

Peter Griffin: My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here. I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm gonna be really anal about this. [pause] Sphincter.

Peter Griffin [with his hand on Stewie's face]: Oh, Lois, your breasts are great. [starts rubbing Stewie's nose with his finger] Well, good morning, Mr. Nipple. Hey, there. Must be cold in here. ***What do you say we move south a little bit? [puts his finger in Stewie's mouth] There we go. Oh, you are so ready.***

***: Only on Adult Swim and DVD

Stewie Griffin: Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious. Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt!

Stewie Griffin: Uh, hey, Brian, I've got a favour to ask. Could you, uh, could you not talk to Lois any more?

Brian Griffin: What?

Stewie GriffinYou know, it's just that I'm - I'm tired of you hitting on her, that's all. That's, I mean, it's not cool.

Brian Griffin: I was just making coffee, I didn't hit on her. Besides, Lois is my friend. I'll do whatever the hell I want.

Stewie Griffin: I'm asking you nicely Brian, stop hitting on her.

Brian Griffin: That's ridiculous! I mean, just because you're a little mama's boy now it means you're monopolising all her time so nobody else can get a shot at her? You know what? Fine. Just a little, I DO hit on Lois!

Stewie Griffin [at the same time as Brian]: I see the way you look at her! I see it! And it's gonna stop! Lois is my queen now! And listen you! Te mato perro feo. ¿Me entiendes estúpido? ¡Tu eres un imbecil, te odio! odio! (I am going to kill you, ugly dog. Do you understand me, stupid? You are an imbecile, I hate you! I hate you!)

Brian Griffin: And another - what?

Stewie Griffin: Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night.

Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!

Lois Griffin: WHAT!?

Stewie Griffin: Hi. [runs off giggling]

Joe Swanson: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.

Glenn Quagmire: Yeah, what gives?

Seamus: If it's gale-force peeing ye be doin' it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks.

Peter Griffin: Wait a minute. A-are you telling me I need a prostate exam?

Seamus: Aye. And soon before your rudder jams with flotsam and you're dropping anchor without an order from the captain. How are you liking all these nautical puns?

Joe Swanson: Cute.

Glenn Quagmire: Not bad.

Cleveland Brown: Somewhat entertaining.

Peter Griffin: My god, I'd better see a doctor!

Joe Swanson: But no doctor in town will see youafter that lawsuit.

Peter Griffin: Well, then I'll just find a doctor out of town.

Peter Griffin [now in a high-tech room]: Listen, uh, I know i'm not a regular patient but I think I have some trouble with my prostate. So can you help me out, Dr. McCoy?

McCoy: What, so you can sue me too?

Peter Griffin: Oh come on, it'll only take a sec.

McCoy: Forget it. I'm a doctor, not a patsy.

Mr. Sulu [walking past]: Hello-o.

Stewie Griffin: Mommy! I'm dying! I'm dying! [irritated] I said I'm dying! I'm dying up here! What is this, a Tommy Lee pool party?

[Dr. Hartman's doorbell rings. He opens the door to see Peter dressed as a UPS delivery man, with a mustache, not knowing it is Peter]

Peter Griffin: Uh, package for Dr. Hartman.

Dr. Hartman: Alright, where's the package?

Peter Griffin: [turns around, showing a package taped to his butt] Here it is. Uh, so, why don't you go ahead and open it up, and reach on in there? It's probably cookies or something.

Dr. Hartman: [starts to reach for the package, but stops] Wait a minute, there's something strange about this. I wasn't expecting any package. Who are you? [takes Peter's mustache off] Griffin!

Peter Griffin: You gotta help me, Dr. Hartman. I think there may actually be something wrong with my prostate!

Dr. Hartman: Well, don't look at me! I lost my license thanks to you.

Peter Griffin: Look, I-I know what I did was wrong. [he and Hartman walk into the house] But, you're the only one I can turn to. [takes his hat off] So, I'm asking you. As a man with no more options...will you take a look in my ass?

Dr. Hartman: [sighs] Despite everything that's happened, I suppose I can't ignore my Hippocratic Oath. Alright, drop your pants. [Peter pulls his pants and underpants down. Dr. Hartman puts on a rubber glove] Oh, well this is nothing. Just a little swelling. Probably a minor infection. Looks like there's some blockage. What the devil is that?

Mr. Sulu: Hello...

Peter Griffin: And to think I actually thought you raped me.

Dr. Hartman: Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room!

Peter Griffin: What?!

Dr. Hartman: [points at Peter] Ehhhhhhhhhhh!

Peter Griffin: [points at Hartman] Ehhhhhhhhhhh! [audience claps]

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